Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I had my DS birthday yesterday, I have been here for 9 years. I came here a broken wreck after my husband Cliff died of a heart attack on Veterans Day 2007. I was only 50 and he was only 55. In moments, everything in my life changed.
Since that terrible day I lost him, I have completely rebuilt my life. I survived it all. I have even moved from Florida to England and remarried. Life is never simple, but I am okay now. I had everything going against me, and yet here I am, still standing, and life is good now.
I think of Cliff every day. When someone is your 'other half' for 30 years, it is kind of inevitable. But I don't cry every day anymore. I still have my blue days, that is inevitable, too, I think. Special days remain special days, but they do get easier to deal with over time. People die, love doesn't, and you never forget them.
Very few people are still here from when I first joined, and in a way that is a good thing. I miss my friends that were on the same timeline, but I know it means they found their answers and rebuilt, too. Sharon and Marsha and I remained on to help others get through this. They are old and dear friends, and we have been through hell together - and back a couple of times, too! You will spot us from time to time as we have that "CL" on our photos because we are "Community Leaders" here now. "CL" was easier and shorter than "Survivor"....
You may think that you can't get through it, but you CAN. You may think it will never be all right, that the pain will never subside, but it does. Grief is not always going to be in the command seat in your life. Honest. It's not a walk in the park to get to that point, and the pain is going to be very real for some time, but DON'T GIVE UP. It is so worth it to keep going.
When I lost Cliff, the temptation to end the pain permanently was there. I had some very dark times in those early days, but I would tell myself, "NOT TODAY." And I would get through one more day, and heal a little more, and get a little stronger day by day. You will, too. If I had given up, I would have missed so very much.
Hang on. You can make it. In the meantime, I have some cyber-birthday cake...
Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader
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Today I feel grateful. Grateful for my dog Blue (Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest girl I've ever seen). Grateful I'm still kickin'. Grateful I'm finally taking responsibility for my health. Grateful I own my home. Grateful for good friends and neighbors who watch over me. Grateful to God for His everlasting love and patience with me. Grateful I survived the 10 years since my wife of 30 years...
The reason I joined DS was I read a post by another widow whose husband died at almost exactly the same time, the same morning, and she had tried CPR, too, and couldn't save her husband. Our stories were nearly identical except for one thing - she was a fully trained nurse and knew what she was doing with the CPR. Nurses, paramedics, amateurs - sometimes there is no way they can be saved.
I have beat myself up so much over 'did I do everything I could have?' The answer is YES. So did you. If we had the power of life and death, none of us would be here - we would will them back, wouldn't we? It doesn't work that way. So please, please, please - let go of the guilt - it serves no purpose, it solves no riddles, and it would pain them enormously to think of us suffering in that way because of such pointless guilt. They died knowing we loved them and did everything we could - right up to the last breath and beyond.
I am sorry any of us needed to be here. Sending you BIG HUGS..... Martha
And I agree - I was so guilty that I hadn't done enough, when it was pretty damn obvious that cancer had put its claws into Joe. And when I ask myself that question, I have no answer. Because there is no answer. Because there was nothing more I could have done, nothing more than loved him. And still do.
Love to you, my friend - Marsha
You have been such a tremendous help as I have traveled the grief journey. In addition to my husband, I have had several family losses that has added to my grief and slowed down the healing process. I look forward to graduating to the place that you are in these days. I am thankful for all your help and support.
Roxanne
I remember you telling me 2yrs and 4 months ago that I could do this, that it would get easier. I thought you surely couldn't have had the same kind of love I had, that there was no way I'd get past this. I was wrong. I made it through the hell that I thought would last the rest of my life. Thank you, Sharon, and Marjoe for sticking around and helping me find my way. I truly would have been lost. And y'all are the reason I come back to see if I can help some find their way too.
Rachel
A cyber birthday--that's a new day to celebrate that I never considered before. You're so right, though, it's certainly a day to commemorate, a day that changed my life in ways unimaginable. Yes, in 2005 I fought through the grief and struggled to hold on to hope. Like most of us survivors, in due time life took on new hues, new hope. I found DS in 2009 and, eventually, I felt comfortable enough with the people and format to join. It was a place where I could speak my heart; a place where I wouldn't wear people out with my sorrow; a place that I didn't have to pretend. My co-members got it, they understood. Now, as often as the opportunity presents itself, I share that hope with others who are just beginning the horrific journey of loss. DS is mentioned with every opportunity, hoping that others will discover that 2nd chance that is available to those who will hold tight until the pain lessens.
It's good to hear that you are well and life is good once again. Martha, over the years you have given us so many awesome words that speak to the heart: "people die, love does not"; "the 'Two Hearts' post" (I shared that numerous times); and so many more.
Thank you for sharing your insights. Take care, my friend. I pray you will never stop using your gift of encouragement. Blessings to you. TJ
Life is such a curious journey, isn't it?...But I'm grateful to have loved and been loved and been given the gift of life..for no matter how long or short it is ...it's worth it, even when it hurts sometimes to be "Human"....Peace and Love to all..Happy Birthday..Martha....Gail..
I will say if it wasn't for you and Sharon and Marsha, as well as others here, I wouldn't have "made" it through. Thanks to you and the others for the tough, remarkable, and selfless work you do through this site. I had some dark moments as well and even though it has been over 4 years since my wife has passed, I have more good days than bad ones, the roller coaster is still running, but has slowed down.
Take care, Jeff