Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Moving backwards?

krysshaddow
krysshaddow
So I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this and if so how do you fix it?
I know over time we talk about the speed bumps we come across and sometimes we feel like we hit a brick wall and we are just stuck... but has anyone ever felt like your actually moving backwards instead? Like after you made a little progress, but then realize that you are losing progress?

Some of it is kind of a given because I had to sell our beautiful home in Phx where i loved it and move into a tiny apartment back near my home town in NM after I swore I was never coming back. The last time I was here I was in college and barely met Wayne. We moved away together and built a grown up life. But now I had to leave my grown up life to be near my family to get through this. Even my grown up friends.
And now it's like just because I'm back and back in touch with old friends, I feel like I have to start all over again. Only this time I have to learn how to be a grown up all alone.
But it's not just the obvious... Emotionally I feel like I'm going backwards too. I found this site a little over a month ago and was relieved to meet people who understood me! I felt like I finally started taking steps forward instead of being stuck. I felt a little bit of hope. Even allowed myself to feel happy and go out with friends. But the past few days I suddenly feel like tumbled backwards and I feel hopeless again. Like I want it to be a dream and I don't want it to be real anymore. I'm ready for this to stop and go back to my normal life that "I" had chose and created with Wayne. I'm lost and crying uncontrollably at night again. I have moments of denial even though by now I should at least know that it's real. Even if I don't accept it.
Is this normal? Am I going crazy? I feel like I am.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
hi, I think you are less than a year after your loss? In answer to your question alot of us feel stuck or that we are going backwards at some points, even though of course really we only ever go forwards.

I don't have any particular advice, I don't think that grief is particularly amenable to control within that first year.
pseudowidow
pseudowidow
Lots of hugs to you. I am not the best person here to give you a little more hope, so I just tell you I understand what you wrote. Acurious is right we only go forward, but you are right too I think, because not only I feel the same, but I fear in the future I most likely will go backwards for sure. Sometimes I even think I am taking this too good, and I kinda expect it to go down/back any time... Sorry... Lots of hugs
Rainycreek
Rainycreek
Except for the moving part, I could have written much of this. I feel like I have been flung backwards so many times since I started on this devastating journey. I try not to get my hopes up any more because inevitably I end up in a darker place but it's my nature to be optimistic and positive so time and again I think things are a bit better, I can imagine enjoying life again. I could even love someone someday, and then a few days or moments later - I can not even imagine surviving this.
I also want it to be a bad dream and for it to end, for Bill to come to his senses and stop being dead and come back to me. I know it's not going to happen, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
You are normal, you are not crazy, you are heartbroken and you're not alone. (((())))
Hang in there Krysshadow, better days are headed your way.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No in my opinion you are not going crazy. If so then I am right along with you. I am a little over a year since I lost my husband. I had days where I felt the same way you did. You think you are making progress then wham you just took five steps backwards but everything around you is moving forward. It does get easier to handle as time goes by. Even though I still sometimes have those days they are not as many. Just remember one moment at a time and baby steps. God Bless Susan
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
9 months today!!!!..... I am doing All I can, not to fall back down that Shute. I run as fast as can, in life, to try to get ahead. Then hit a snag. It takes everything I have to NOT slip back, just to keep my head above water. At times I think I am making progress. Then I feel myself slipping back. I heard, its all a part of widowhood.

My grown up life, was 49 years with my DH. My family, and friends are all gone. I have to build myself a life from "scratch" now.

Everything you said, and feel, is normal, at least to me.

Sandee
gerald222
gerald222
Your feelings are all the emotions and thoughts that come from grief and they are totally normal. There was one time I posted on here that I felt I was going backwards. One of the members pointed out to me grief is 2 steps forward and 1 step back but you are still gradually moving forward even when you dont feel you are. I totally feel your pain in your post and just want to send you a big hug. The reality is the journey of grief is much longer than we initially thiNK.
Gerald
deleted_user
deleted_user
I keep wondering myself when this backward stuff is going to end...I guess there is no time limit...What I do know it makes us a stronger person!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Gosh! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Does it really help to know that you aren't alone? Yep, it helps some but when you are going through it, well, it's all real to you and it's happening. I know all too well and I can feel your desperation and pain. I guess the truth is that we will somehow move forward no matter how fast or slow but it never leaves us that we want our sweetie back, we don't WANT to go through this, dangit!.......I doubt that that will ever stop..... Some say it will ease but we'll just have to see......
Peace to you and light when you need it the most,
Lynda.
silverfoxwife
silverfoxwife
I also experience the backward moment today. I cried every day for a year then I told myself to stop after one year of grieving. Then my daughter and her little family moved in. I gave away furniture to accommodate them. The baby kept me joyfully distracted. They moved out to their new home yesterday. Now my house is really empty and so quiet, sadness just sets in. By being busy helps me to keep my emotions in balance most of the time.
tikibell1
tikibell1
We have no choice life pushes forward whether we like it or not but even after 6 years I sometimes feel stuck in my memories and of what should be happening if only...but then I get on with life as I have no choice but often it is with a heavy yearning heart!
jewells1
jewells1
Who would have thought or planned on this different forever happening? So the loss does draw us back to happier times then reality knocks us sideways, backwards, leaving us seasick. But we are here still. This is normal, considering what we have each lost. Just getting through these moments is progress. We will be here for you and others to help slow the swaying when needed

Jewells.
tlsom
tlsom
You took the words right out of my mouth. I was starting to move forward. (I say move forward instead of move on as move on implies leaving behind and move forward means we take them with us so to speak). Anyway, I felt like I was making some progress but lately I feel like I have regressed. Maybe the first set of major holidays without our loves is part of it. Maybe it is that this widowhood is the worst roller coaster ride ever and so the downs hit hard. I do not know but I know you are not alone. Hugs to you!
Darlene-Newman
Darlene-Newman
I can so relate to your post!! Like you I still have a hard time knowing this is reality and not just a never ending nightmare. As you put it, I am so ready for this to be over.
At times I get feelings of pretty strong anger. It's like "I have tried to be a good sport now for over 2 years. This is still bad. Now make it stop. Now!!" But, it doesn't stop.
I still have times when I feel like the old pain and depression are back. The good thing about it (IF there is one) is that I know I can survive these feelings and they do not last as long as they once did.

Grief is such a personal and individual thing. Some people seem to be able to move through the process and go on with a new life in what seems a fairly short time. Others of us seem to struggle with it more. I suppose the important thing is for us to just keep hanging on.

Like you, I wish there was a "Finish Line" somewhere in the process. So far I have not found one.

Hugs and good wishes to you.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
No, you're not crazy. Yes, we do feel that we are sliding backwards. I'm at 6 years since my husband died from lung cancer and I have built a new llife. That doesn't mean that I left him in my life with him, because I definitely didn't. The memories we made and the unfulfilled plans are still with me. I have just made new plans for me to discover.

I didn't get to this place in a year or even two. And I am still growing with ups and downs as days progress. The difference is that before I was weary treading water and now I can swim, if you understand my analogy. Keep getting through wherever you are and take the lessons they leave behind. Sharon
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