Well june ninth was my DW birthday. She would have been 32. We spent 12.5 amazing years together. I feel your pain. I never would have thought this would happenat this age. I knew from day one that I didn't want to be alone, yet the idea of someone else is tough. All the closeness we shared and growing together. I'm having a very hard time letting go.

June 1st was 9 months for me. Last month I turned 40 without him... It was so hard. I feel what you are going through. And I am sorry that you are going through it. If it helps any, just last night I heard my little girl singing in the shower, just as loud as she possibly could- without a care in the world. It was just so precious. One of those moments that my husband and I would have shared a "it's everything" look. And I was happy in that moment. I felt blessed in that moment. And it was the first time that I noticed felling happiness since my husband passed. I don't know if that will come more often as time goes by or not. I hope so. I hope those "blessed" moments come often for both us. Just two days ago I was in one of those really hard dark pain waves. Maybe that's what they mean when they say it gets better in time. That we will begin to notice more and more those things we cherish in life again.

After the initial shock period, birthdays and anniversaries are huge trigger times, as are holidays and any other special occasions filled with our memories of how happy we were together. But in time, the pain of it diminishes, and you hold onto those memories the rest of your days. And a time will come, when the memories bring smiles and not tears. And sometimes, tears of happiness. What a blessing it was to have spent whatever time we had with the person that completed us. As for purpose, no one knows the answers on this side of heaven. All I really know is that God is good, and desires only the best for each and everyone one of us. I figure Juanita was ready to be called home, and I take comfort in knowing that where she is, there are no more tears, no more heartaches, only love and all the other fruit. With time, you come to realize that there is nothing you can do to hurry the process along. So save your energy and let grief do what grief will do. You've got to go through it to get through it. ~~~ Scottie

First time I'm writing too. I lost my husband at the age of 40. He was the life and soul of every party, successful and lived for his family. The day he died in an accident at our farm, is as fresh today as it was 5 years ago. And if I tell someone the story, I cry all over again. But not for long - that day is never going to go away and raising two young children on my own is not easy. And it took me a year to come out of the shock, not to mention all the admin stuff that goes with losing the breadwinner of the family, getting a job and getting used to not being invited by all your couples friends anymore, because you're..."an odd number"!! My town and friends were amazingly supportive for the first months, thereafter their lives went back to normal and mine was changed forever. And especially all the firsts: birthdays, christmas, Fathers' day - those are so hard - but each year you get a little stronger. I haven't taken off my wedding ring, have worn his on a chain around my neck since he died and have photos all over our house of him. His parents are still so devastated they refuse to have any photos up of him in their house - I went the opposite way: we had a little 'shrine' of photos, candles, his box of ashes and a little angel someone gave us, on our kitchen table - it was lovely for my children and I as well as the friends who would visit. I talk about him all the time, so that my children grow up knowing and remembering him - and still think about him every day.
And don't let anyone tell you to "it's time to pull yourself together/ you need to move on/ pack up his stuff" - there's no 'right' way to grieve, and you will when you are ready. You DO have to just push through the sad times though. If you have someone or friends you can talk to or cry with - do it as much as you need - that's what gets you through it. My small children kept me busy, but if you don't have that, keep yourself busy - I would plan things for every weekend, until I wasn't afraid of a lonely weekend anymore. And when we moved from our house 3 1/2 years later, was the first time I unpacked his cupboards and night dresser. I still sleep on 'my' side of the bed, but for the last year, if someone lovely swanned into my life, I'd consider slowly moving on. You'll get there and as you're so young, you really DO have years ahead to heal and still have a joyous life with someone else, if you one day feel ready for it. Just take each day at a time and know there really ARE going to be many terrible days until they become fewer than the good days. Reach out to any support you've been offered on those days.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died on September 29, 2016 - almost 9 months ago. It was a sudden death - car accident. We were together 12 years. There are still times when I cannot believe he is gone and think I will see him again. The only comfort is that he died instantly, and was not in pain.