Your pain comes through loud and clear. There are so many whys in this journey. So many cries in the night for an explanation. I think that we will only know the answers when our time here is through. In the meantime, have you tried counseling to help you with your grief journey? Speaking with a qualified therapist can be the best gift you give yourself. Blessings to you as you travel this difficult road.

Linda

There are times I have been asked who I am mad at, and I've never been able to answer it. Am I mad at God? It isn't God's fault that my husband chose to start smoking at a young age, and continue through his lifetime, even though I often urged him to give it up. God is also not responsible for my husband's family genes which evolve through the generations. Cancer is a strong suit on his maternal side. With 5 brothers and sisters, only one has never had cancer, and the other remaining sibling is a cancer survivor. My mother-in-law died at age 38 from the dreadful disease.

I guess I'm just angry at the entire situation. Angry that it happened to us. Angry that our perfectly loving, peaceful union was ripped apart. Angry that he is in glorious heaven and I am left behind.

However, it isn't enough for me to turn my back on the Lord. I just ask the Lord one thing now. Let me live the rest of my life my way. And as for God's plan? The God I know wouldn't strike my husband with an evil disease so he could suffer and die, then to leave me to pick up the pieces while my heart and soul is shattered in a million pieces. If that's how God carries out his "plan", then we're not worshipping the right God.

As I read your words, I know if I go through my personal journal I would find the same things written in mine - minus the spousal abuse. WHY did this happen, why does God allow it? I do not have an answer. Your comments about it being a contest - I think that many days - that God and Satan are studying us like a chess player studies the chess board, then make their next move.

The one thing that I learned on this horrible journey - we get no answers to many questions. The only prayer I could pray for a LONG time was Please help me. God Please help me.

He did. God brought me through each day. Sometimes I was on my knees, even flat on the floor, but He did not leave me. Why do I know this? Because I'm here writing to you. What ever the game plan, God will be there for you, sometimes we just can't see Him or know Him.

God gave you the love of a wonderful man. One time I read that to know that kind of love is to know God. I liked that.

It's a most difficult part of this - being angry and knowing that the anger is directed at God.

Read any part of the Psalms. There are 2 times the chapters where David is crying out to God than there are praises. Read Lamentations. It's OK to be angry at God. He can take it. He's still not going to leave you. He loves you more than anyone person ever had or ever will.

Why our prayers do not get answered - I think God is being God. He lets life - and death - happen. Because it's so unfair, it's fair to each of us.

Just hang in - it gets better.

Many hugs,
Kathy

I am so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel because I have felt, and still am feeling, much of what you describe. Although we know from a young age that we will all die one day, we are never ready for the time to come to our loved ones. It seems like punishment or cruelty. As I look at my life now, trying to figure out why the heck I still need to be on this earth, I ask God to show me one day at a time why. While I wait, I am warm and comfortable in my house, I have food in the kitchen, I have enough money to pay my bills. My only problem is sadness, loss of dreams. The end of "our life". I don't want another life. I wanted Joe's and my life to end together. The Bible says to trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on our own understanding. God has a plan, we just can't see into the future. Trusting is very hard, but it's our only option if we believe he is Lord and one day we will live with our loved ones in eternity. It just hurts like hell while we wait for that day. But God loves us. He asks us for patience. That's tough. But we must try, one day at a time. Good luck and know that we feel the same hurts as you. Hugs to you!
Kathleen

IClaim...,

I believe our intense pain is for a season, and it is always beyond our human understanding. When we 'hit the wall' and we cannot see past the suffering, we search in the darkness for reasons, answers, or anything that might help us comprehend what is expected or to be gained through these personal trials. Existing is what our numb hearts grapple with as we struggle with the day-in, day-out agony of loss.

I hear your despair; I hear your hopelessness. From your post, it is apparent you have had a number of trials and testings throughout your lifetime. It also sounds as though you know through personal experience that you did not walk through those trials alone, for you survived to have found a wonderful love with your Robert. And now here you are once again to endure the trial of a lifetimethe sorrow of losing the most important person to you on this earth.

Walking this path is unbelievably difficult, and it tries our very souls. We can never know this side of Heaven the mind of God or why life appears to be so unfair at times. But are we to believe in God only in the good times and dismiss His omnipotence when we suffer the calamities that are part of human existence? These are not easy questions to answer when our lives have been so terrifically shattered. It is my belief that He is here with us now, and He will be with us when we feel the sun shining on our faces once again. For some, it can be within months; for others, it can mean years of putting our lives back together.

Healing from such a loss is like a deep infected wound that reopens every time our emotions slam into difficulties and loneliness. Our wound resists our efforts and any possible cures that we attempt; however, the prospect for a hopeful future eventually appears before us and our wounds begin to mend. Little by little we begin to rebuild our lives.

I hope you can hang on to your faith while you walk through this valley. Daily Strength is an amazing site with so many remarkable people who encourage one another by sharing their losses, sorrows, and, most importantly, their victories. I'm so glad you are among those who can truly offer understanding and care. Blessings to you, and I hope you can trust us to walk with you through this heartbreaking time. TJ

I am so very sorry to hear the pain in your post, it's heartbreaking. I don't know that I am qualifited to even respond but I just want to try and ease your pain somehow. I am not currently well versed in the Christian Bible. I was raised Christian and althrough I am not practicing a Christian dogma I value the lessons that Christ taught to all of us. This is indeed the dark night of the soul and our time to cry out "why have you forsaken me". It certainly feels that there is no reason for all this pain but I do believe in spirit and there is more here than meets the eye. I dont' think this earth or our mortal bodies is all there is. What lies beyond is a mystery and a matter of faith. These bodies are temporary subject to pain through illness and loss. I struggle with faith everyday but I have to believe there is more and we will know when we get there and it will be all good. It's too hard to live without telling myself this and choosing to believe. We have no choice but to carry on until we no longer have to, we just have to find a way. It's the human condition that causes us to suffer, not the spiritual but the struggle is on. This hurts so deeply. Hug, Donna

Thank you for the heartfelt replies and I know your right yet I still have to ask God to deliver on his promises. I have no more branches to grab and hold onto. I did want to clarify one thing though.... The spousal abuse was from a previous marriage. Tonight has been really hard for me.........Nights like so many others have had. Bless you all

IClaim...,

We are here through the wires of the internet to support you. We come to the computer and reach out to you; you are not alone tonight. TJ

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand how you feel and I have had similair thoughts.This is how I worked it out: It seems to reason that by choosing to honor God that there would be more of a reward or protection or absence of pain in this world because God promises to care for his children and heal us. All this is true but it is true far out beyond the boundries of this world. The bible tells us that our lives here are like a vapor. It is in the next world that the culmination of those blessings will come and then they will be forever- no more death, pain, sorrow. Tears will be wiped away for those who endure until the end.
Furthermore, remeber those men and women in the bible who because of their faith suffered. Like Abel, who was the faithful brother but he was also the one who lost his life, Moses didn't get to enter the promised land, Abraham never saw the promises to him fulfilled in his lifetime, Leah was not the favored wife but the Messiah came through her line, and Joseph was sold into slavery and cast into prison before he was reunited with his family years later. Paul said he had learned to be content in all situations. From prison he wrote 'rejoice in the Lord always'. Even the son of God lived a life of suffering.These men and women of the bible are examples of faith because in spite of thier suffering they continued to trust. They could do this because they were looking not at their current condition but ahead to those blessings to come. As people of faith this is also our example.
I pray that you can find peace in your suffering. I hope that you have the perspective to look at your life as the eternal being you are and be patient. All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.
You have been such an encouragement to so many people here. I hope this is helpful to you.

Dear friend "IClaim...",
"Jesus wept."
He feels your pain. He bore our griefs & sorrows on that cross. He proved His love for you. He never does anything to hurt you on purpose or to use you as some kind of pawn in a supernatural chess game. He sees the end from the beginning - He is the God of past, present, AND future - and He is total goodness. "God is light & in Him is no darkness at all. " Goodness to your spouse, goodness to you.
Yes it's painful. Death was never part of His original plan.
We've all cried out in our darkness "WHY???" Like children, we can't understand the reasons, but that's what faith is- holding onto our Father's hand through the valley of the shadow of death.
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." Ps 61:2
You'll be in my prayers. And HUGS to you....
-Ruth

I am so sorry for your pain. I totally understand the feelings that you are having though. I remember being upset because for the first time in my life (after my husband died) I couldn't pray. I would sit with my head bent down and nothing but tears running down my face. After weeks of this I asked a close friend and she had the simplest of answers. Maybe God wasn't looking for me to pray, He might want me to listen. It took time but I later learned she was right.

The truth is God doesn't work to fill our desires and wishes. We work to fulfill His. I don't know why my husband died at 60 years of age. I sure didn't expect it that soon. God didn't give him Lung Cancer, but He didn't heal him of it either and in the end I was alone just like you.

I learned in the three years since I lost my husband that I've been very blessed. I had 40 years of marriage to the man of my dreams. We were blessed with two children that are healthy and loving. We own our own home, drive a decent car, eat meals every day. A lot of people don't come close to having what God gave us.

My husband died at home with his family at his bedside. He slipped away quietly into another world. As I look back on our life together I know I've been truly blessed. It didn't happen overnight. I went through the pain, the terrible loneliness, and the fear of what do I do now. I thank God every day for having had Don in my life for so many years. I still miss him, I think I always will. But I am alive for a reason and I'll do my best to serve my Lord until I am called home too.

I hope you find peace. God has it for you but right now the pain is like storm clouds covering the sunshine. It's still shining up in the sky, but we can't see it through the clouds. God is still working in your life, you just can't receive it through the pain. He will never leave or forsake you. He will carry you when you can not walk alone. Love to you, Sharon

sending hugs and prayers for your peace and comfort. We all feel your pain and have been there. Here still to say you can make it. Just take one step at a time and little by little you'll be further down the line...just keep coming here and posting to let it out. God's blessed all with the circle of support here. Can't imagine getting thru this without faith and DS friends. Hugs, D

I am so sorry for your pain... I wanted to share what I had post on my face book several months after my husbands death..I hope it will help .... Since Larry's death....I have looked at life much differently. Before he went home..we talked about how wicked it was getting. We were serving Jesus the best we could and looking forward to the rapture of the body of Christ...praying that we would not have to die and be separated, but we knew that the latter was most likely; and on July 29, 2009 one of the things we dreaded the most happened. We were physically separated...the love of my life was gone. I knew Larry would be shouting with joy to be seeing Jesus and it was all apart of God's master plan for our lives, but....
When someone you love so much is taken out of your life...there is an impact to your life on earth, that forever changes it. Though I have never been angry with God that He took Larry home...this has been the greatest loss in my life...and my childrens. We miss him so much.
I have found myself looking at life knowing, that if the Lord tarries and doesnt rapture us out, all there is to come in this world is death for each of us and the ones we love...it has been robbing my joy.
So I have been praying to God, to not let me develope a root of bitterness toward this world we live and die in. God is so gracious, because He pointed out things to me. Things I already knew, but the darkness of grief had overshadowed...I can see what wonderful things God is doing...but the grief wants to take over...it is a constant battle between your flesh and spirit. To dwell on the losses of this temporarty life or dwell on the things that matter eternally...
He reminded me, "I did not promise that you would live forever on this earth," ... and I cried.... "I know Lord, my mom died several years ago...but Lord... when Larry died, a part of me died with him...we were one"...again God told me "I did not promise you, that you would live forever on this earth, But... I did promise that you would be raise up again with a new body, when My Son shouts for you from the heavens... then you shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet them in the air..."
Yes.... Lord ... thank you for reminding me of that promise...putting it uppermost in my thoughts.... But then I cried... Lord...Larry... was hurt, I cant stand to know that he was hurt...it grieves my soul....
Then God spoke to me again....(in my heart)....Debbie...My perfect Son came into this world knowing that He would have to die as any other human will die...when He didnt deserve too.... He knew how He would die, the suffering of such a humilating and painful death and that He would carry the sins of every human past, present and future on His shoulders... He didnt have to do it, He didnt deserve it... but.... He did it willingly..should I not allow bad things to happen to others... so that I may be glorified through it?" Yes... Lord, I told Him (I talk out loud to God) You have been glorified and at the same time You brought honor to your servant...and many lives have been touched through his death...just as he would have wanted.
Though I know this, the grief sometimes overshadows these truths and the joys to come are push to the back...you know and believe the truth... but it's hard to see the joy in it.... but I know...what joy...what joy...someday soon!:)
I know God has a purpose for everything that happens to us. I realize more than ever our time is truly temporary on earth, our purpose; to be servants of God. We need to let others know the promises that await those who serve Him.
I can look forward to my future...to be with Jesus and Larry, our children, grandchildren, family members and friends that I love so much.God is turning my thinking around, not to dwell on Larry's death; but dwell on the spiritual impact it has had on other lives... and the promises of our new lives to come.
That gives me such joy... God knows there will be many days when my heart is so heavy for my husband...but someday I shall again look into the eyes of the ones that loved me so much...my Jesus and my Larry....cant wait for that day...Come Lord come...:)

I understand your pain. I was so angry with God during my husbands illness. Pray are you kidding so you can load more on us I think not.

I did pray that God would take him gently, I was answered by the smile on my husbands face when I found him. I did thank God for that.

After my husbands death I had so many angels put in my path for which I thanked God.

Hugs, Holly

Thank you all again for the encouragement and helping me to regain perspective. Ohhhhhhh I hate those dark moments when they fall on me, but I suppose they have a purpose in helping me regain my strength (emotionally).