I too lost my husband JAN. 2015 and am really lonely. Miss talking and conversation. Not sure if I will ever marry again, but would like a friend to do things with. Go to a movie, cup of coffie, dinner something to look forward to except all the alone time we have now.
For you right now, and if the guy knows where your head and heart are at, go have a dinner, movie and let the others just deal with it. It is your life. Maybe even just pay your own way, it's not a date it's a friendship. Later who knows what it may turn in to..

I'm with Ramar. Follow your gut. As long as you are honest with this man about what you are able to give the "relationship" None of your family and friends have any idea what it's like to go on this journey. Would anyone question it if it was a woman you had become friends with? Of course not. It's a silly double standard society applies, that a man and a woman can't just be friends. It may just be filling a void right now or it may turn into something more. Who knows! But don't sneak. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong. If it feels good, do it. I'm sure your husband, like mine, would be happy that you found some comfort. Good luck, Liz

I think that after everything we've all been through, if something or someone in your life now gives you some joy or happiness or even just some support, it's fine for you to gravitate towards it. Give yourself credit for being willing and able to do something positive.

Garmel,

Trust your gut as it is your life to live and no one elses. People seem to set a double standard for us after a loss. You are mature enough to make your own decisions. Unless some one has been through this loss they have no idea what it is like. I have made my own decisions in the past few months and have been supported by friends and especially family. It is my life to live and I am doing exactally that. You are betraying no one but yourself by not giving this friendship a chance. Best wishes to you and be true to yourself. You are the only one you need to please. Hugs from the Dewman!

Garmel . . . what a conundrum! I do understand the small town talk all too well. Everyone is in everyone else's business with nothing to do but grapevine it. One thing I've learned is that the time spent on your life gossip will end eventually and they'll be on to the next one. It won't be a forever thing. Hold your head up in whatever decision you make. It will be yours to own. If you can't own it, then perhaps it's not time to take this next step. If you feel a need to sneak around and cover up that would seem a red flag to me that you are not ready or something is not quite right about this new relationship.

I also understand the need for companionship. It is so hard for many to simply be "alone" after having shared a life. However, this is a wonderful time to get to know you and evolve as an individual. You still have a lot of grief work that will need to be done, with or without another person in your life. You mentioned you thought it would be unfair to him . . and it probably would be. Even if he says he understands your current situation . . not many people really want to hear about our past loves day in and day out. Eventually it will turn into resentment. (None of we are saints and in relationship, we want to be the ONE). Unless he's been in your grief shoes, I doubt that he will understand exactly how to deal with your on-going grief. Sorry, just my take on things, not wanting to burst your bubble.

Otherwise, there's only one voice worth listening to and that is the voice of YOUR heart. You can ask for advice and you will get varying advices, but ultimately this is your decision.

I wish you the best and please keep us posted on your progress.

Hugs, Dayna

There are so many layers of this onion.Does wanting human contact dishonor a spouse? They can't tell us, likely they would not want us to suffer, and they are not coming back. "Till death do us part" was just a bunch of words until my wife died and it really had meaning. People who might offer opinions about what is proper for a widow to do or not do do mostly have no clue about what it's like to lose a spouse and the overwhelming loneliness that accompanies it. They think you are duty bound to suffer until they are satisfied that you have been miserable long enough. We want to be considerate of family members feelings, we don't like to be talked about, but who has been in our shoes? Are critics acting in our best interests or out of ignorance and selfishness ? How does being judged by others affect us ? Some can ignore it some let it rule them. Then there is also the need to look at our motivation and mental state. Are we capable of evaluating a new relationship rationally soon after a loss or can loneliness lead us into a mess? Are we capable of evaluating our own vulnerability early on ? Life sure is complicated.

I have a post about this very thing. My take on this is it's YOUR life, not your "critics." I couldn't care less what people think of my actions. I didn't care, before Wanda died. And everyone pretty much knows it. I've always done as I please. If you like the guy, go for it.

Life is way too short.

You are not betraying your husband. From my personal experience I think I was so needy and I thought my new/old friend was going to 'save' me. I can assure you it definitely doesn't work that way. I was lucky to have most everyone's support though and realize it couldn't have been easy to see someone in their fathers, brothers, friends place. I can't get over how cruel it seems to expect someone to stay alone. That's what my son expected and I still to this day cannot understand it. My best to you as you struggle through this and I'm in agreement with the comment here, whatever you do, please hold your head high.

I lived what you described. It was a few years after my husband died and the craving for human understanding was hard. Like you, I had no desire to date, but I met a man who shared the loss of a spouse too. We shared dinners and picnics and even watching television together and it was a wonderful friendship. No romantic issues for either of us, but criticism from our children and friends who claimed to want us happy, but their actions spoke volumes.

My only caution is it's early in your loss and your emotions are at their peak. Enjoy his company and be honest with him and your families. Be friends and take it slowly. Tomorrow is not promised as we know, so enjoy today. Sharon

There is a site here where we discuss rebuilding a life after loss. Here's a link to it.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/hopeful-hearts-love-after-loss

Just be VERY careful. You are so vulnerable right now and don't need any more heartache.... you just want anything to stop the pain you are feeling.. He may be a great guy or he could be someone who is trying to take advantage of you while you are down. Just take it slow and be extra cautious until you really know this guy. And if he asks to borrow money or pushes you to get seriously involved too fast, run!

Your life, your terms. People will talk, it is human nature. You can't control it. Couple of things. 1. You need to follow your instincts. If you want friendship and human contact that is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. 2. This has to be on your terms. No pushing allowed. From anyone. You are still in the early stages of grief and us oldtimers will tell you it is a long road. If you meet someone it is wonderful but it has to be in your time line and your terms. 3. Let go of the guilt, life is too short.

Hugs,
Val

Have you ever been so hungry that you could eat anything that was put in front of you on a plate?? Happens a lot on journeys -- you're tired and famished and you know you just got to have something, so you stop at some fast food joint or some greasy roadside diner you normally wouldn't go near under other cirumstances. You eat and eat, and then feel kind of sick after, but chalk it up to life on the road. You know you wouldn't eat there or eat that under any other circumstances. In fact, you hope you never have to feel that hungry or that desperate ever again. And it's not something you're exactly proud of having done either.

Early widowhood/widowerhood is a bit like that. The hunger for company, for contact, for satisfaction and relief can make you think that whatever is put in front of you is wonderful. You might be lucky and it just might be wonderful. Or you could be setting yourself up for the greasy diner experience.

It is REALLY early for you. Be super-careful. You are vulnerable, it is hard to make good decisions right now, and to judge situations in a balanced and healthy/safe way.

It is not about what your family thinks or your neighbors or whatever. It is about putting yourself in a situation unnecessarily that you may regret later.

My advice is spend more time with your female friends if you have any, or female family members. And if you want to see this guy, don't do it after dark. Lunches tend not to make people amorous - stick to lunches. If after a couple of months this guy is still wanting to see you and not pushing you for sex, then try a dinner out.

I am not a prude or anti-relationships. I don't expect anyone to suddenly join a convent or monastery because they have lost their spouse. I didn't. But please go slowly. I have re-read your posts from the last couple of weeks, and you are all over the map emotionally. That to me says that you need to be careful, step back maybe, go slowly. I think it would be irresponsible for me to say 'go for it' at this stage for you.

A lot of people have a first post-death relationship that doesn't last. That is common,too. Getting back into dating and such after being married a long time is an awkward process. Unfortunately, because so many early post-death relationships fail, they can cause additional damage on top of the damage already there from the loss.

It is okay to tell me to >bleep< off, too. You wouldn't be the first one to tell me that. But I am being honest with you. I think it's too soon.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks everyone! I agree with you all. I don't think I am ready, don't know that I will ever be and I have told him that. I can't trust my emotions right now. He has offered friendship and we may talk from time to time.

He feels so certain that we are right for each other. I told him to continue on with finding other relationships that what he needs and wants is what I had for 32 years and I was not ready..I am not even looking!

What he has made me realize. 1. I need some good friends male or female to go out and have some fun with. All in my area and age are married w kids, no time to do this. 2. He has made me want to take my rings off. 3. He has awaken feelings in me I thought were dead. 4. He is so my type and he has made me sad for what I have lost. 5. I have pushed him back to a relationship had is trying to work out, I told him it was only fair to him and her. He is going to work on it. 6. We are going to remain friends and if I am ever ready and/ or he is around we let each other know. He finally agreed the timing was wrong.
This is so hard and unfair!

The easy way would have been throw caution to the wind, but I think it is too early for me. guess what he is 12 years younger and has his teeth and a good job..shocking...

Thanks Garmel for the update on your emotional/rational conclusion. Makes sense to me. Be gentle with yourself, love yourself, support yourself . . . know thyself. When you are ready, the path will be clear of all the unknowns/fears you have today.

One day at a time . . . steady my friend. I promise you will get to where you wish to be one day. xo, D