Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

March 15, 2010

Truhal
Truhal
I answer the phone. It's my husband calling to tell me he is sick. I tell him to go to the emergency room. I meet him there less than an hour later. He was complaining of stomach problems, saying that it is probably that ulcer kicking in again. He'd been drinking too much coffe of late and the doctor had warned him about that. They decide to do a CT scan to find out why. Later, the results come back. It was the coffee. They send him home with a strong scolding on why he can't drink it. Later, we sit down and talk about it and pledge that we will both take better care of ourselves. This was a wakeup call for him and I can see it in his eyes.

In the days that follow, my husband loses weight. He exercises. He plans for the future. We travel the world together, enjoying each other's company. The business takes off and we both quit our jobs. We spend endless years together, our love growing stronger.

At the age of 85 my husband passes away. He's lived to see his grandkids grow up, his daughter mature. And I'm thankful to God for all the years we've had.

But none of this happened. What I wrote was basically the way I wanted March 15 to end. The reality, an aneurysym ruptured ending his life and my life(as I know it) on March 15, 2010.

Tru(thinking of the road not traveled)
OnMyOwn2010
OnMyOwn2010
I have spent so many hours thinking of the road not traveled...so many different roads, actually....thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in my daydreaming....
Blessings & Hugs, ~E~
NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
I, too, dream of what we thought our retirement would be. We made many plans, saved our money. He worked until age 66, retired, then died in the same year. Gone are all the plans, the dreams, the "reward" we all think of after a lifetime or working when all we had together were week-ends and short vacations. I worked 43 years and was so looking forward to travel, working on our property, spending time with kids/grands. Now I have only the company of my own self. There's nothing new there - I've been with me all my life. So that's dull. Don't want to travel alone. Don't want a man. So I will serve God. That is my highest calling and I think it is the only reason I am still here. But I do feel so cheated out of a life that we had so carefully planned for. My heart aches. Why must I be alone? Why is the house so silent? Why does food not taste good anymore? Why do I not care about so many things that I used to care about? There is no answer except this is my lot in life. I know it will become less painful with time but not happier. Life will never be full as it "could have been". Dreams gone.
Christine26
Christine26
I am so sorry. My sympathies are with you. A year and a half ago March 28th, 2009, my husband passed away lung cancer Met to the brain. I am still so sorry that he had to g that way and find that around this time of year it is really tough. I just wish I had one more time to say one more thing to him. I think about him everyday of my life.I di not know that death would be this way for the living. It is truly a process.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What a Christmas present we were given in the middle of December, 2009. We were told Ronnie had esophageal cancer but our doctor was very positive about the treatments he would receive. Not long before that I remember our talks about retiring & probably moving to Florida where his brothers live. My husband was a hard worker all his life & I really looked forward to the day he could retire & begin to take it easy & do the things we wanted to do. He went through the radiation, chemo, & the horrible esophagectomy - he was doing good, getting stronger & we were so positive. In no time, complications from the hospital occurred and 'OUR" road ended. Eight months after diagnosis & he was gone. The road that I travel now is a long, lonely road which seems endless and one which I never wanted to travel alone. I miss him so much & still feel bad that his ife was cut short. CHERI
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
We were talking about our future plans the night before Cliff died. I understand what you're going through - it's the "if only's" and "what if's" that can be so brutal. Don't beat yourself up for it.

Love and Hugs, Martha
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
I often think about what our life would be like if we both lived through retirement, and rocking on the front porch together. The bottom line is that we got cheated, cheated out of so many things that we will never be able to do with our spouse.

Often people ask me when I am going to retire. I don't know. Our retirement plans died on May 22, 2009. I guess I'll figure mine out when the time comes. One thing I did do was start my part-time business with the intention of supplementing my income through semi and full retirement.

My husband had so many retirement plans. He chomped at the bit to semi-retire and did at age 62. Only received 9 months of SS and the bliss of not having to work, only to be shot down by cancer. We never know, which is why I live for just today. Tomorrow will take of itself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
At times grief feels like a nightmare we will never wake up from. I wish your story -- and all of our stories -- had a different ending, but they don't. This is our reality now and all we can do is face each new day with all the strength we can muster to take another step forward. In time we look back and are amazed at how far we've come. In time we even begin to realize that we are embracing life again. That is the hope. I wish you the best today. Hugs and prayers, Tami
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
At this time I know our life would be much the same had he not died. We may have found that place at the beach and moved though, I'd like to think so. He had only 1000 hours left to work to recieve his full pension, we were working toward being able to live on that if we downsized, get a motorhome, pack up the dogs and see some of this country. All that gone..poof..I don't dwell on it because it brings me down, I try to think of ways to get myself motivated to enter and live this new phase of my life.
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
It would have been a nice day at the beach right now, we would have taken the dogs for a walk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Our lives would have been the same.....we were already retired......but we would have had many more wonderful years together......and I would have been the one to go first. If only dreams could really come true.
TimLovesMelissa
TimLovesMelissa
I believe there is nothing wrong with dreaming about what might have been. But can I challenge us to dream about what is still to come? Please don't take offense. I am in no way trying to belittle our loss. My mind often wanders to what life with my Melissa would have been like in the future. I just want to remind everyone that our "book" still has blank pages at the end of it. We have the power to determine what gets written on those pages. I guess I'm seeing the glass as half full tonight. Dare to dream!
Truhal
Truhal
No offence taken, Tim.

Here's a possible future for me:

I work ten more years and become financially stable with plenty of extras. I then retire to a warm place, visiting my family often. In my retirement years I become a literacy volunteer and also become more active in my church. I'm seeing myself in a condo in Georgia, but it may be another country. My grandkids and step-daughter become closer to me and we enjoy the warm, sunny days in my new home.

At some point, God introduces me to someone special and this leads to marriage. We spend our days enjoying life and serving the Lord.