Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Savannah17 06/28/2017

I'm very angry today. I spoke with my mom last night and she was very nasty to me. You need some background on this one, though: she has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. My husband and I had to put her in the nursing home because she could no longer take care of herself in her apartment and we could not afford a 24-7 nurse to take care of her at home. Long story short, she is mad I haven't been visiting more often, even though I tell her repeatedly (and yes, I know she can't remember, perhaps) that I have moved out of New Jersey and have to take a plane to see her. Doesn't matter. She was blaming me for Trump, of all things, saying why can't I do something to get him "out of there." Blaming me because I live in Georgia, and saying I had to get out of there. She said, "I've been having a terrible time with the pollution. I can't breathe." Even before the Alzheimer's, she complained about being poisoned--that's another story.

Anyway, when I finally got a chance to interject and say, "I've had a very hard 9 months," she said, "So have I!" I felt like telling her to fuck off. She has no idea the hell I've been through. At that moment I wished she had died instead of my husband. I have been furious since last night's phone call. Now I know why I don't call her more often. She usually makes me feel mad or upset/sad, or tries to. I've had enough. She only adds fuel to the fire.

geo70 06/28/2017

My mom is in the hospital also.
When my wife was still alive we tried having my mom with us but it didn't work. She would either run away or call the police and say we kidnapped her. It ended when my mom played the race card against my wife. My mom is a Hitlers youth so you can imagine how difficult it was to listen to her at times. Anyway, I feel guilty for not doing more but I am raising three and I really have to watch every penny. I still feel guilty about not visiting though.

Don't beat yourself up over this and try to remember your mom has an illness.

ladybjt 06/28/2017

I feel so badly you have to go through this with your mother. My mother went into a nursing home just before last Thanksgiving. I would stop and visit her just about every evening after work. There were times she would deride me and be quite nasty. I would leave feeling quite badly, but I knew some of it was because she was in pain and some because she knew she was dying and had no control of the situation. One night when she was declining and we knew she did not have much longer, I left her bedside and went home to find my beloved husband dead in his recliner. She absolutely adored my husband. When I told her the next day about Duane, the look of anguish on her face was devastating. She died four days after him.

Savannah17 06/29/2017

Thank you, both. Ladybjt, my mother didn't love my husband, but then again, she never liked anyone I dated. She has always been an incredibly self-centered person and I think she resented anyone who took me away from her. She also suffered from mental illness most of her life. It's hard to be patient with her when she says such mean things to me, because she did so in the past as well.

Dottk 06/29/2017

I took care of my mother-in-law who had lost her husband, her only daughter, had diabetes, and then was diagnosed with Alzheimers as well. The best advice I ever heard about dealing with Alzheimers patients came from a famous tv newsman whose mother had it. He said (essentially) that you can't take anything that a late stage Alzheimers patient says personally because it's not them talking. It's the disease. Still, sometimes, it is very difficult to separate the two and remember that the patient is not saying or doing these strange or hurtful or bizarre things deliberately, even though they aren't. They no longer have control over what is in, or coming out of their mind. Try not to get mad at your mother over things that her disease is saying. Neither you, nor she have time for that. Save your anger for the disease that has stolen her away from you.

SandyZal 06/30/2017

Isn't that a thing with Alzheimers patients? They get angry especially with family. This has to be difficult to deal with especially with you just losing your husband. Sometimes people who are about to pass also get nasty. My husband was never abusive to me became very abusive a couple of days before he died. As difficult as it is to deal with you can't take it personally. It's the disease talking, not your mom. When your emotions are still so raw from your husbands passing that can be very difficult.

Savannah17 06/30/2017

I try to remember that she's sick and she doesn't mean it, but sometimes it's hard, especially now that I am grieving. I am angry so much of the time for the loss of my husband, and her behavior, whether intentional or not, only compounds it.

parrotluvr 07/01/2017

Try to forgive yourself for being angry. Anger is a part of grief anyway so maybe she is giving you a good excuse to get the anger out. It's probably just as well that you are living far from her. I live far from my 96 year old mother and have to take a plane to visit. I am dreading going in September for the first time since my husband died. She has never been easy to get along with and now I'm afraid that I'll just either start crying or say something I shouldn't when I visit. I'm wishing you peace and will be thinking of you.

Savannah17 07/03/2017

Thank you, parrotluv. Sometimes I feel like a bad daughter but I'm doing the best I can and so are you.

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