I am having a really bad day today - it is only a week off Wilf's lst anniversary. I cant seem to think straight. I am trying to get ready for a houseful of visitors coming from the UK next weekend for Wilf's memorial tournament at the pub in the village. It is running 3-5 October and we go to Scotland on 6th for the anniversary on 7th.

If I am this bad now I don't think I am going to get through the weekend with so many at the house, and the trip will be so difficult. Why is everything so hard? Why cant I just remember the good times? Why, Why, Why?? A thousand whys with no answer. I feel so lonely and abandoned and yet I have so many good friends and my family, although far away, really do their best - but it is just not the same. I just miss him so much.

I know tomorrow I will probably be feeling better and be thinking different thoughts but for now I just don't know how to cope with this feeling of despair. I am supposed to go to a 21st party tonight but I really don't think I can go among all the happy smiling celebrating people and not be a wet blanket.

Will go and see if I can find some busy work to occupy my hands and my mind and maybe feel better later. Thanks for listening.