Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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jdannysgirl 02/20/2016

I lost my beautiful boyfriend a week ago suddenly and I have alot of people sending condolences, but I'm in such agony and am overwhelmed with grief. I feel no one understands, sure his parents are devastated and we are going through this together but I feel my grief is different. They have eachother to lean on and I lost the person that im closest to in the whole world. When I'm alone its unbearable and I cant believe I wont see him ever again. Dan was the most loving and thoughftul person Ive ever known and he took the weight of the world on his shoulders. He developed a binge drinking problem from not being able to cope with his break up from his ex girlfriend. She dumped him unexpectedly after 12 years together and he was totally lost. He would drown his sorrows and it took ahold of him. By no means did this define him, he was a great person and lived a pretty normal life most of the time. I didnt see how bad his problem was when i met him, he just seemed heartbroken and so was i from a previous relationship. we immediately bonded and were inseperable for 6 years. It became aparent to me that he had a problem when he started to go away for a couple days at a time every couple months or so to binge away from me. He didnt want anyone to see him like that because that wasnt who he was really. i pleaded for him to get help or therapy and he insisted he could handle it. well 6 years later and he still would run away any time he was upset about something. Last week we got he went to his first counseling appointment and then proceeded to drink right after. I got angry and didnt understand, i told him to leave. A few days passed and I got a call that he was found dead in a hotel room, I still dont know exactly how dan passsed but me and his family assume it was alcohol overdose. Dan was only 34 and he was making steps to get help, i guess he was just too late. Everyone was shocked because he was the person that everyone leaned on and he was such a happy loving person. No one besides me and his family knew his secret struggle. I dont judge him and I dont think of him only in that way. Yes he had a problem but he was so special and he never had intentions on hurting anyone. It is agonizing not bein able to talk to him, he was my bestfriend and i am in such pain knowing the last conversation we had was a fight and I made him leave. I know its not my fault but how do I deal with this grief and go through it alone, i miss him so much.

jdannysgirl 02/20/2016

I know he wasnt my husband, but to me he was. I cant imagine a life without him. Everyone keeps telling me im young and will move on. That just makes me angry and feel even more alone. We had so many plans and I feel i dont want to go on without him here with me. We did everything together.

garysimon 02/20/2016

I am sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Grief doesn't care about marital status, losing someone you love that you thought you would be with forever is devastating. I lost my wife of 20 years a little over 6 weeks ago, she was only 40 and it was also sudden. Everyone here understands your pain and can help guide you on this journey. Your feelings are normal, as well as all the regret and guilt you may be feeling over past arguments. Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful person and he loved you till the end and I honestly believe he still loves you. The whole "you are young and will find someone else" statement is normal for people to say, they mean well but unless they have experienced this type of loss they can't understand it. Just remember to do only what you feel is right for yourself and there is no way to rush grief. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself physically. Cry when you need too and surround yourself with people that will listen to your thoughts and feelings and not try to "fix" you. This forum is a great place for that. I wish you the best. Hugs, Gary

jdannysgirl 02/20/2016

Thank you Gary, it means alot to have such a genuine and caring response. Im also sorry for your loss, it's nice to hear from someone who knows what I'm going through.

Shrn 02/20/2016

People who haven't been through is don't know what to say to us. And when they do speak it's usually hurtful or dumb. Remember, most of them mean well, I wish they never find out what it's like. Come here often, we understand your pain. We are going through it with you. Sharon

raininseattle 02/21/2016

You may feel alone because people around have not had this experience, but you are not alone. If you let me I'll draw you to the story of Ryan Anderson (NBA player) and Gia Allemand (The Bachelor).

http://www.si.com/nba/2014/11/13/ryan-anderson-gia-allemand

tiger1962 02/21/2016

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my wife a year ago. Please allow me to say a few things. First, you said "you won't see him again". Maybe temporarily. But you really don't know that. I believe I will see my wife again, not this life, but for sure in some other ways or fashions that are unexpected and unexplained. I feel her sometimes, that she is helping me do, understand, and know things. Second, you said "your last conversation was a fight". You don't know that. I am still having conversation with my wife. I still ask her for advice. She lives within me. Over time, you will find that too, that your loved one is living through you and conversing with you. The fight is NOT your last, it is a start of a new relationship, a fresh, inspiring, and absolutely true relationship. Hugs, Tiger

jdannysgirl 02/21/2016

Thank you everyone who responded and I'm truly sorry for all of your losses as well. It is comforting to know that their are others that feel my pain and are willing to listen and share openly. I do try and tell myself that Dan is still with me ina way and that he can hear me when i talk to him everyday. I tell him how sorry i am that this happened and that i wish i could take back our last day and that i love him. I do hope i see him again someday in another life. I do want to clarify that Dan had a drinking problem and though we don't know yet what exactly was the cause of death, none of us have any reason to believe that he intended to not wake up.Dan would binge drink like this every 4 or 5 months and it would make him sick but i do believe he thought he could handle it.we were fighting buti don't believe he committed suicide unless you consider alcoholism suicide. He did want to stop, but i think his body has just had enough and it was too late. It does cross my mind that maybe he did this to take away theburden he would put on other people but i truly believe he thought this would be like all the other times and it hurts to much to think that way especially when there is no indication that was the case. It doesn't make it easier either way, i still feel guilty for pushing him and for telling him to leave. I will always regret that.

eighty8 02/21/2016

JD, I'm just grabbing at straws here, but if Danny was "found dead" in another town, seems there would have had to be an autopsy. Not being legally married, you would of course not be entitled to the results.
Is your relationship with Dan's parents such that they would share the cause-of-death from the autopsy with you? That may serve to answer alot of the mystery that you are agonizing over now.
Otherwise, I'm with Tiger here. When Spirit separates from body, their interaction with us becomes something different. We start out getting signals. For example, Marylou and I always liked the kind of lamps that you can turn on-and-off by touching anything metal; she used to buy lamps second-hand and have me install the touch switches in them. All the switches are, are hyper-sensitive ground-fault switches that are wired in-series like any other switch, but grounded to the chassis. Since Marylou left for the Spirit Realm June-12 of last year, I have been getting alot of the touch-lamp on my nightstand "just coming-on" all by itself...at exactly 8-minutes after the snooze setting on my alarm. If I hit the snooze a second time, that light will come on..."all-by-itself"...three minutes later. Many say that Spirits are Energy Beings...is the nature of that energy such that can activate the hyper-sensitive microswitch of a touch-lamp? I cannot answer that.
But I insist that the timing of it is not "just a coincidence". There's alot more than that going on here!
I don't think you have "lost" Danny at all. Watch for the "coincidences".

raininseattle 02/21/2016

@jdannysgirl: I reckon. The article is not suggest Dan's intention, or anyone's speculation of it. The article was posted because of the survivor's pain and regret was so vividly described throughout. It was a very painful article to read, but hopefully there are enough parallels to think that there is a way to continue on after this tragic event.

jdannysgirl 02/21/2016

Eighty 8, we did have an autopsy but it just happened a week ago and his parents said they havnt recieved the report yet. When they found Danny they said they thought it to be natural causes but found liquor bottles in his room. He wasn't out of town either, he had just gone 10 minutes down the road to a nearby hotel. He would always do then when he relapsed. Me and his parents are very close, they wouldn't keep anything from me and they consider me Dannys wife. We just simply don't know yet but have an idea that maybe he just overdosed. I am open to him coming to me and am watching for signs to know he is OK and that he's still with me. I appreciate the article rain, it was a hard read and is somewhat similar to what I'm going through.i do feel his pain and the guilt he feels.it's good to see the good that came from his story. Thank you all,means alot to be heard and not just told its gonna be OK and life goes on.

ammg 02/21/2016

I too understand your pain. I lost the most amazing man aged 34 just two weeks ago - he had an aneurism. His family never accepted our relationship so you are lucky to be able to share your grief with Dan's family. I'm hoping it gets a bit easier day by day. I feel my boyfriends presence all the time - lights come on by themselves, bulbs blow, the place smells of tea but I don't drink it. You will find your own signs. We need to help each other on this site to try to come to acceptance. I find the loneliness the worst.

jdannysgirl 02/21/2016

Oh my that must have been devastating, aneurysms are give no warning at all.I'm so sorry. The loneliness has been getting to me about too. We did everything together from grocery shopping to making our lunches for work the next day together. It is a blessing that I'm so close with his family, they have been wanting to spend alot of time together because they are scared of me being at home alone all the time. It helps alot but i also think about him nonstop when I'm with them and they have their own grief but it's different than mine. They still have their soulmate to lean on.I'm definitely here for you if you need support, i don't know anyone else who has lost a partner so young. I'm here

tim57 02/22/2016

I really hate that you have been drafted into this club that none of us want to be in. And you are right. What you are going thru is different than others who new him. Your support system was him, The one who went thru life's ups and downs together. And now that person is gone and there is a huge emptiness. Here you will find at least in someone that these feelings are normal but not normal. Normal in what we are all dealing with but not normal having to deal with this level of pain. It is a new and unique experience that will take time. One of the first things I had to learn and accept was that time will not heal it but just help us to learn ways to live with it. Even tho like you said you weren't married, love is love and it hurts the same for two people committed to each other.
And even tho we wish we could we can't save someone from themselves but only be there to offer support and advice when needed. And it sounds like you were there for him. My prayers are with you.
Peace, Tim

jdannysgirl 02/22/2016

Hey tim, thank you for that and the prayers. Im glad i found this site and joined even though i was apprehensive about it. It means alot to be heard and understood. Everyone keeps telling me that i should keep busy and go back to work to get back in routine, but they don't get that dan was my routine, he was involved in everything i did and even at work we texted all day and then talked about our days when we got home. There is no normal routine anymore,everything is different and scary. Our anniversary is this sat and i don't know how in gonna get through that.

deleted_user 02/23/2016

You are most definitely being heard and read. There is no age difference when it comes to losing your partner. We ALL share that loss as one!

We're ageless, colorless and utterly numb. There are times that someone is looking me square in my face and I don't even see them. My mind is wandering and I'm looking right through them.

You will settle into a routine of life and find your very own "normal!" I've stopped expecting any type of "normal!" If it feels right and gets me through another day.....that's just fine!

Take care of your insides and be kind to you.

Roz

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