I remember stating at my husband's funeral to my sisters in law & brother in law that I didn't want us to not stay in touch with each other because I have seen this happen so often when someone dies. I love my husband's family, they are all great people. But yet here it is, 6 months & I don't hear from any of them very often. A few text messages every now & then. But I am going to keep in touch with my mother & father in law & I am going to be sure my children do the same. I have/had the best mother & father in law ever.

I should have stated that my MIL does call me & so does a few aunts from mu husband's side. Like I said, he has a great family. Maybe we all just get busy with our own lives, but thjs doesn't mean we aren't being thought of.

The silence is deafening. My family and my wifes family both. It is like they dont know what to say so they dont say anything. I thought we were really close but it now seems not so much. I get more hugs on this site than I do from family. It is very troubling. I appreciate the hugs on here because I know that you know. You know what I mean.

I have tried. And honestly, I think it is their own grief. They did not accept his impending death as I did. We all grieve differently. But, my daughter hasn't had her grandmother or uncle and I haven't had them around me. I invited MIL to something recently and she replied that "it's still too hard". It really has nothing to do with me but it affects me... and my daughter. She deserves family.

I have exerienced the same thing with some members of my husband's family. The strange thing is that we were always on good terms and enjoyed each other's company. They came to the funeral, offered condolences, and I haven't heard from them since...and they live in the local area. I wondered if I would at least get a call around the time of the first anniversary of his death, but I did not. Strange indeed...but I won't dwell on this. I do have my own family and friends who have been a comfort to me, so I am not alone during this journey into the "new normal" that I hear so much about.

I can relate to all of the comments and confirm how hard it can be and how hurtful to be ignored.

I thought I had a good relationship with my stepson and his family, and with one step-granddaughter (there are 3) in particular. Now although I hear from my stepson occasionally - usually something very brief on facebook, I don't hear from the girls at all. There have been a couple of family events recently which I didn't know about until they all go on facebook to show pictures and say what a great time it was.

All we can really do in this situation is try our best - I have made it clear to my stepson that I don't mind travelling to see them but I do not expect the traffic to be all one way.

I do live a long way away (in another country) but if invited I would travel to be there. It would be nice to have the choice. I promised my husband I would stay in touch and I am trying very hard - I am even going to visit them all this month. Will see how that goes and if I get any reciprocation.

Sorry for the long response but it is a subject which is particularly raw to me.

Regards and good wishes to you all. Thanks for your support. Fay

My inlaw story is a mixed one:

-2 SIL have nothing to do with me and my dgt. The reality was when my wife was ill they provided no support on any level for any of us. I dont consider that a big loss. The irony is 1 lived with us for 5 years for free so she could save for a house.
-1 SIL comes over weekly and phones regularly to make sure we are ok. I would do anything for her.
-My FIL and MIL we see weekly. We are always treated like family. Actually my MIL told me she trusts us me more than some of her own children.
-My 2 BIL are busy with there own lives but I could ask for anything and they would do it.
My wife was kind of the glue of her family. I have watched them since she passed fight and cause each other heartache which has been incredibly sad to watch.
Mel we can only welcome those that want to be part of our lives.

I have noticed that some of you are concerned that nobody called on the anniversary of the death, and don't call u or whatever.

The thing is that it's uncomfortable and it takes something special to work through that.

I, too, did not get any calls on the anniversary - it may have been just too difficult. But I have had all my wife's family to my house ( and I mean all of them - siblings, cousins, etc - about 30 ) three times this year - thanksgiving, New Year's Day , and my daughter's birthday fundraiser. When they came everything was fine - people are just busy and don't call very often.

I had a great relationship with them before - Kay was the oldest of 7 so they always gathered at our house anyway.

I'm just saying what my other post said - if they have a common interest then those will spend more time with you :)

Bob

I also have a good relationship with my ILs and my sister and 1 brother. My IL are there when I need them. Two of my SIL I talk to almost daily. The one SIL was the partner of my BIL that died 20 years. The other one is the second oldest of 11 children. She has always been more like a mother then SIL. The other 4 SIL I see when ever possible and we always have a good time. My nieces and nephew are great. I have two BIL that I see on occasion.
I found that after my husband died I could not go to the family events., My counselor asked my why, I told her that it must hurt them (IL)to see me without my husband. She told me to ask them how they feel. Would it be harder for them if I went and their brother was not there or just not to go. To my surprise they said that it does hurt for them to see me without my husband, but it hurts more when I do not go. One of them told me that they had lost a brother and when I was not showing for the events they felt that they had lost a sister. My husband and I had known each other for 38 years. I was 18 when I met his family and at 19 they took me under their wings when I moved from a little town to the city. So now I attend the family events.

I don't know Bob. I don't think that applies for everybody. I've invited my IL's to my house. I got them to come over at Xmas time and that is it. I think they still harbor negative feelings toward me because of his wishes to not see any of them while he was dying. He only wanted to see his mom, me and the kids. I've asked about it and they say "no, they aren't angry." But when I invite them, they say that they are too busy or it's just too hard for them, even though I try to rearrange my schedule to accommodate them. One of Mike's aunts asked me at the funeral "are we ever going to see you again? Are you going to quit coming around?" I assured you that I would still be around. But, I think she asked that because of conversations she had overheard from his family members.

The problem I have with this is that I don't let it go. I give it to God, but hold on to the edge of it and it keeps coming up as a problem for me. Then I want to control the situation and have it my way. That's my problem.

I feel very lucky. I'm still very close with Dina's mother, sisters and cousins. We were close before and it hasn't changed. In fact, it might have brought us even closer. It is partly because my daughter is 4 and needs those relationships with her family, but I truly believe we would still be close regardless. My FIL passed away only 6 days prior to Dina so on top of going through Dina's 4 month hospitalization with my MIL that loss essentially made me the 'man' in my MIL's life. Dina was her oldest and her rock so a week later I became even more of a rock for her. And she does more for me and my daughter than I could ever ask for. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Hi Mel,
I have been on both sides of this spectrum, the one that lost the brother and had a sister-in-law with nieces and nephews and I have been the one left as the spouse with the family not having anything to do with us. As a sister-in-law, at first I found it too difficult to be around her or my nieces and nephews because I was so very close to my brother and it hurt so much. Then as time went on, it got easier for me to be in touch with her and the kids. Now we see each other regularly but that did that years to get there. Now she is remarried and I am the widow. As far as my husbands family they stay away and that is how it will always be, sadly enough this is merely because of religion and judgment.
My best advice to you on this subject is to try and not make it about them not liking you or not wanting to be around you, it may be their way of grieving and in time they may come back to be a part of your life. However, if they don't remember it is their loss and you did nothing to prevent them from being a part of your life. God bless you and yours!
Sincerely,
Mary

I have learned that the only person I can count on is me. There is my dad who is awesome, but I will not call him crying for attention. In-laws are what they are. We are not all blessed with good ones. I have a 3 1/2 year old that my MIL has never seen. There has been no communication with the entire family since the funeral. Strangely, my kids never ask where they are.

Maggie