My comment disappeared! I think said cry and grieve out in the open, and on your own time line. This is about you, not them.

I tried to reply and the whole posts disappeared. An error message came up. Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately Bill brought two sons into the relationship and they have distracted themselves from the reality that he is gone with their families. They don't want to see me grieving because it just brings them back to their own pain.

They may not want to see it, but maybe they should.

I was with my husband for 18 years too, I'm two years out and every day is still a struggle. Make sure you take care of yourself. Cry when you need to, yell, break things, be with friends and family. Find a good therapist. Let yourself grieve dont let anyone give you a timeline. :hugs:

I was with my husband for 42 years. my entire adult life and most of my life.
Now facing the 3 year date of husbands' death I miss him even more because of being gone longer, the permanence is hard.
It adds up to a very big hole in my life. Not tearful so much as I still need to be honest about what I'm experiencing and be able to talk with people who knew us together for so many years.
If I need to, I do...but I had to start out being as honest as I could handle. It was hell when I couldn't help crying around others the first 2 years.
Much of my grief adjustments were delayed because I had a severe illness for 1 & 1/2 year, which crippled my brain: that governs the mind & emotions. So being "behind schedule", so to speak, Really turns people off after this long.
All I can say is the previous replies are right, that you have to try to call some of the shots for you to get through grief. Our society is very unhealthy about bereavement so it is hard to navigate.
People do not know how to handle us.
I guess we have the added burden of teaching some things by our mere honesty. but of course, we can not manage that very much while trying to survive our grief One Day at a Time.
It is hard with family because they are also trying to survive the loss. Adult kids still have their whole life in front of them, raising kids or whatever. Our loss is different than theirs.
As you expressed, we were expecting a new phase of life. Not the end.
We are learning as we go.
All my best to you.

Thank you all for your help. I know our society needs help navigating bereavement. It's sad that I have to seek out help behind closed doors because my grief makes people so uncomfortable. I shouldn't have to make new friends just so I have people around me that I can feel comfortable talking about my husband to. Our loved ones shouldn't be the elephant in the room anytime we are out in a group of old friends.

This kind of loss, rarely do you find anyone that can truly comprehend the impacts arising from the death of a spouse. Something you just have to go I guess. And even when you go through it, you don't really comprehend the impacts either. It's not like any of us are willing participants in it. Grief does exactly what grief wants to do. Admittedly, I would have been one of those that grew weary of another's sadness, and would have thought to myself, Why don't they just get over it. Never was presented before with something I couldn't just get over. I remember at one point being pissed off because society should have somehow warned me what real grief was like. I've shifted on that one. Somehow, the status quo ostrich approach is probably the only logical position -- nobody would believe us anyway, and our human nature is to think, It will never happen to me. As for needing to hide and cry, I had the luxury of leaving work and coming home where I live solo. There is only one person in my life that I trusted enough to cry in front of. Crying people always made me uncomfortable, so I'd find an exit strategy. One giant exception, my wife. Her crying was actually a blessing to me. She didn't do it very often and I came to realize what a blessing her crying became to me. It took years, but I did come to the reality that when my wife started crying, odds were pretty good I'd blown it by being a knucklehead and that I had better examine this whole thing very carefully. I shake my head now, because so many times her tears came not over what I did or said, that just pulled the plug. As we settled down and sorted it out, more often than not it, was some other lame brain thing I'd said or done weeks previous, my current knuckle headedness was just the catalyst that brought out what was really bothering her. It would just sometimes take her that long a time to reach critical mass. Scott on Crying, I guess. Keep writing. You managed to pull these words out of me :) Scott

Our time line is closed to each other. It was 20 weeks yesterday since my dear best friend, soulmate and wife Jennifer passed away in my arms in our bed. I cry several times per day and often cry while I'm driving. I have even cried while shopping in the grocery store and I cry when I'm out in the yard and for whatever reason I am comfortable with it and don't care if other people notice. My grief process is about me and my belief is that my dear Jennifer is with me in spirit guiding me along. Sometimes I scream and yell loudly in the car because that is not something I want to do in front of other people:-) there is nothing easy about this and I do what I need to do I'm not concerned what those around me think about it. My life has been turned upside down and I hate that fact. I do not have any family it's closer than a few hundred miles away which is difficult for me. I am fortunate to have caring coworkers who knew Jennifer and me as we were both RN at the same Hospital. I also in the only human in my house and it is often nearly paralyzing and I just sit on the couch and think, spaced out or cry. I hope you can find even a little bit of peace and comfort each day. Jennifer was such a living example of appreciating what we had even in the darkest times. She always voiced her attitude of gratitude for every moment of every day we had together. It was always easy for me to be grateful when she was still by my side and now I am just saying the words until I can really believe them. I know we are all different people but in similar situations. I am able to enjoy the beauty of clouds, sunsets and sunrises even though it often brings up memories and I just let the tears roll... My rational mind believes that Jennifer does not want me to suffer and she was also very patient and accepting and I need to be patient and kind to myself if for no other reason then to honor my beloved.

Dear Lost and Alone,
I lost my wife (My Life) 8 years ago. 2 months after loosing my wife, I found DS and it was a life saver for me.
I love my family, but none of them had lost a spouse, so they could not relate to what I was going through.
2 years after joining DS and connecting with many, many wonderful people, I met a TRULY wonderful Christian Lady and we married
.we lived over 900 miles apart, but we put our trust in the LORD and after 2 years we were married and the rest is history.
We did everything to prepare us for a life together and I think we did a very good job.
I would never have thought that I would ever remarry but I did at 64 and my wife was 67.
We are truly happy and if you have Faith on the LORD, anything is possible.
Good luck and GOD BLESS.
DANINMN

There are two ways I could think of:

The first is to journal - write down the things that made you sad. Writing them down has the effect of dispensing your emotions. You may cry while you write, but at the end it is a relief. And you can do this at any time of the day.

The second is to visit a grief counselor - it lets you to cry openly, and they have more experience in dealing with people in grief. The reviews are mixed with this route - so make sure you seek one with a good recommendation.

I know exactly how you feel my wife past on the 12 of January 2018. we were married for 13 years and have 2 boys. every where I go I have to hold my tears and smile even if it is a empty smile. the thing that totally gets me is "how are you" i mean seriously, if i have to tell them how i really am thy would lock me in a padded room. but there is light at the end of the tunnel. i have started rediscovering myself and i know that the hurt and loneliness wont go away, but in finding myself hopefully i will learn to live once more for our boys and myself.

D Jay it’s as if you said everything that is my heart and mind. I do and think exactly the same things. Let’s me know that I truly am not crazy on this lonely road I’m walking.

What I found so difficult was that in conversations with people if I mentioned something that Cliff and I had done together in the past that some people would actually wince when I said his name. Likle I was never supposed to say his name again. He was my other half for 30 years - it wasn't just Cliff's history, it was MY history, too! For heaven's sakes, I became a widow, I did not join the Witness Protection Program - I was not going to suddenly erase and forget 30 years of my life. Yet people will treat you like that's what you're supposed to do - never mention their name or your life together again. I did anyway. If somebody had a problem with that, it was THEIR problem, not mine.

The grief bursts were hard to cope with. At 5-1/2 months, I had my first birthday without Cliff in 30 years. I made the mistake of going to work and trying to be "normal" - whatever that means - and it was pretty disastrous. One of my coworkers had decorated my desk for my birthday, and I walked in to find streamers and everything all over by desk and cubicle and just lost it. All I could think about was that he wasn't there to celebrate me. My poor friend who was only trying to be kind just didn't realize it was the wrong thing to do. We took down all the decorations and I just wept on her shoulder. What a disaster!

I don't know how I could have survived it all if it hadn't been for this group. I also went to counseling, which I received through our Employee Assistance Program for free. I kept two journals - one written in a notebook, and an electronic one here. It took a lot of pieces to put my life back together.

It won't always be this raw for you. The wound is still very fresh, and anyone who hasn't been through it simply will not understand the umpteen layers of your life that are impacted by being widowed/widowered. It will get easier. I still get, after all these years, moments where the tears come, but it's not like the early days where I couldn't do anything about them or would just sob for days on end. Memories tend to bring smiles instead of tears now, and when the tears come, they don't last as long, and I bounce back much more quickly.

I am glad you found us, and I hope being here helps you as it helped me. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader

Thank you Martha. I have found very similiar situations as far as Bill's name being like the elephant in the room. I also realize that I just have to ignore the reactions that I get. I am glad I found this group it has already been a lot of help. I had a couple of family functions I had to go to this weekend and I pushed through it all and I cried before I went and cried when I got home. I just walked away from the people that gave me the "look" and didn't worry about them. Later I did get a call from my daughter who thought I was mad at her. We discussed the challenges I have been going thru and that they needed to just understand that getting out of bed right now is a win for me and I am not the same person. I will not get over this anytime soon and they need to understand that it's about me and not just them. I think she finally got the message and now understands it may take me a couple of years to get my head around this but in the meantime I will be their for them but sometimes I can't.