Hi tesco,
I lost my husband 3 and a half years ago and my mother 4 months ago. When my mother died, I felt even more untethered and have been taking life one day at a time. Some of the best advice I have found was from a member here named Scottie who said just let life come to you and let a new life form around you. That has been working for me. I still miss my husband and my mother and don't exactly understand just about everything, but I am ok with that.
Take care

thank you for your comments deodarglow sorry for your loss it just feels like your heart has been ripped out and life will never be the same again the hardest part is I took my mother into hospital on the Wednesday night with what I thought was something that needed to be looked at and she died the following day without any illness her lower bowel perforated and killed her . also my wife had been in hospital for 3 weeks they sent her home on the Friday thinking she was doing well but passed away on the sunday morning its the watching them die that images I cannot get out of my head but the only good thing is I have some really good friends at work that have been there for me and couldn't of got thru the worst of it without them thank you for your reply and be strong take care .my name is Charlie used my work place as my password

Charlie,
I have had a very similar situation. My wife of 50 years, plus we went together 3 years before we got married, died in June, 2018 while we were celebrating our 50th in Hawaii. Then, my mother died in December of 2018.

I also watched both my wife and my mom die, and I still remember them going through the dying process, especially as I wake up in the morning. I don't have any ideas of how to deal with those images. Dying is an agonizing process for the survivors.

My wife was also my best friend for 53 years. We did everything together. I am so lost without her, as you have been with the loss of your wife. The loss of my mother was also difficult, but she was 93 and had lived a very full life. So, while I have had some crying fits as I went through her stuff, it is very different from the loss of my wife. I definitely don't have all the answers, but I will list some things that have helped some.

If you haven't already, you might want to talk to a therapist. I talked to one and she was very helpful. She told me that grief is normal after such a life altering loss, so what you are feeling is normal - you are not crazy for what you are feeling. Also, everyone grieves in different ways - so don't let anyone tell you that you "should" be "better" because it happened a "long time" ago. If you read many of the posts on this blog, you will see there are people who lost a spouse 9 years or more ago and are still grieving.

The hardest part for me is staying busy, and staying busy is the only thing that keeps me going. But here are a few ideas for staying busy. Sounds like you are working, so that gives you a good starting place for staying busy. I am retired, so I have a lot of time to fill. Beyond that, if you have kids, spend all the time you can with them. They are suffering also, but may not be able to express their grief. If no kids, you may want to think about volunteering. My wife died of Lymphoma, and so I am volunteering with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. When you help others that are dealing with life threatening conditions, it helps put your suffering into perspective. If you still have time to fill, maybe try to joining some groups. I am in 3 different bridge groups that gets me out and provides some socialization.

I wish I had some magic words for you, but this is a very personal process where there are no right or wrong answers. I do wish you the best. And if anything has helped you, I can use any suggestions that work for you.

thanks for your reply lon its sad but helps to know and share our feelings in similar curcumstances .your right about sorting your mothers belongings out even though its really hard it is much worse doing your wifes belongings ive made a small start but just doing a very small bit at a time I still have her slippers under nest of tables in sitting room and her handbag behind settee untouched I will sort them out when I feel ready no matter how long it takes material things like ornaments certain furniture ect I don't mind doing its the personal things I cannot get my head round yet coming home from work is the worst part walking into a empty house so I just keep busy all the time and cannot wait for bed time or my head would just wander all the time thanks for your reply and hope things do get a bit easier for yourself also it would of been our silver wedding 3 weeks before she died also her birthday the same day we got married take care my friend …...charlie

Charlie,
I completely understand how difficult it is to have more than one loss. Prior to my husband's death, I had two major family losses - my 41-year old niece and my mother (who resided with us). I lost my husband in March 2010, my younger brother in October 2010, and my older brother a year later. My last sibling, my sister, passed away two and half years ago. I have never felt so alone in my life. I kept thinking that I could have handled my husband's death, in time; but to lose all those who could have supported me in the years ahead has been devastating. I finally gave in and decided to see a therapist. Best thing that I could have ever done - it helps so much to talk about your grief and get insight into why you are feeling the way that you feel and think. You might benefit from seeing a therapist as well. If you don't feel a comfortable with the first one, try another. Also, if you have a grief group in your area, that also might be helpful. I attended one for a year or so after John's death, and it helped to be among others who knew the pain that I was feeling. I have tried to find peace with so much loss, but I am still working on it. There is no easy answer to the emptiness and sadness that you feel. Just know that you are not alone. Hugs to you, Roxanne

Hello Tesco2561,
I am so sorry for both your losses. I lost my husband on Mar/10/2008. I can say, while it doesn't completely go away, it does get better to deal with in time. Give yourself time and go at your own pace. Hugs to you.
Lisa

thank you Roxanne /trinilisa

I'm sorry for your losses. It's hard feeling like you've lost the people who loved and helped you. My situation was a little different as I was "last man standing" when Cliff died. We had buried all 4 of our parents before I lost him. I often wished that at least one of them could have been around to tell me what to do and give me advice. I was fortunate that one of my sisters was close by and did what she could to help me.

Mostly, I found support in surprising places - like here. Unexpected heroes stepped forward in my life, too, which helped make up for all the jerks that tried to take advantage of my grief.

I hope being here helps you, too. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, Community Leader for Widows & Widowers

Hello, Charlie, I'm so sorry for your deep aches of sadness. You've done exactly what your dear mother and wife would have done for you. You are graced with love, patience, sacrifice and unselfishness, and I hope for you many friends and family to assist you. This new adjustment is very familiar to many of us.

God bless you & best to you.

the replys on here really help when I know everyone is or has gone thru similar situations as myself trouble is you always think you will be together for ever knowing fine well that you wont be I met my wife at work and we worked together in a supermarket linda on the deli me as a butcher so we were together 24hrs a day for 30years to have that taken away is devastating she was my sole mate and I will love her till the day I die she was my life and that is now taken away from me to have evething one minute my wife and my mother then gone in the next minute is killing me was dreading xmas as I also lost my dad 23 years ago on xmas day but got thru it with plenty of tears ,sorry if im rabbiting on but helps me to share my feelings with other people sending good wishes to everyone lots hugs to all
take care charlie

I am here feeling so lonely, I used to love the weekends, now Friday nights are the worst, I am still wanting Rick to call and ask me what he can pick up for dinner, etc. I read so many sad stories here. People that have been married longer than I have been alive. My daughter and her husband are planning to build on a bed room and bath and move in within a year. I am happy about that but I want Rick here too. I guess you call it a pity party, No one shows up but me. Rick was almost 11 years older than me and he helped me through each decade and he loved life. I always wanted to go first because I knew he would be okay. I trust in God and I know Rick will not be back in this life but eternity with him sounds like the best dream ever, The Holidays suck now. When I see a couple in the grocery store I can tear up. I am happy for them, but I feel that much more alone, I think in my case, I have never really loved myself and guess who I am stuck with.....need to work on that. I wish everyone a peaceful evening.

The supermarket was a veritable minefield for me. I don't know which was worse: the older couples who had a lot longer than our 30 years together or the young ones with their babies with their whole lives together in front of them. Both would make me cry.

Eventually, I started taking one of my sons with me, and that helped.

Love and Hugs,
Martha