" now you get to find out who you really are, warts and all " - Pete, I hear you. The problem is that when we do this by ourselves, we don't have that other loving voice to balance out all the self-criticisms that we can come up with. We don't give ourselves any credit or see any of the things that are right about ourselves - we put ourselves under our own personal microscope and find all the things we can that we dislike about ourselves.

Some things I learned: My husband loved me for a reason - he fell for me for a reason. He must have seen something in me that was worthwhile. He was a bright guy - there must have been SOMETHING in that! So somewhere deep down, under all the baggage, there was a good person after all, someone that was lovable. I also learned that I carry a helluva lot of Cliff around with me all the time - the things we learned together, the things we enjoyed together, my attitudes, the ways I make decisions, etc. - all heavily influenced by our life together. In some very odd ways, Cliff is still very much here, because of how I approach the world after being with him.

And another strange lesson: I had to grieve ME. Specifically,the parts of me that would never be again that were solely for his benefit and no one else's. I had to face that, too. I didn't want to let go of that part of myself - I liked that part of myself very much. I have always been "Martha" but I was "Cliffskat" for 30 years - and I would dearly have loved another 30 years more as "Cliffskat." It's okay to cry for that loss - the irretrievable bits of yourself that don't fall into all those other categories.

Pete version 2.0 will be a wonderful, lovable guy - with a lot of the best features of version 1.0, but some new and unexpected ones, too.

You're a good man, don't give up, and cut yourself some slack once in awhile, too.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha - your first three paragraphs? Perfectly said, and so true.

I get what you mean too. I also agree with Martha about having to grieve ME. I was a different person with him. I was an angry, confused, cynical, not your average 20 yr old when we met and got together. He understood and loved me like i was perfectly normal. We became "grown ups" together and i became a better person. Stronger, more proud, confident, even fearless. Now that I am alone I find myself feeling so small and helpless and even angry again. I don't know who I am or who I want to be? I am slowly trying to learn how to be a grown up by myself.
A while back I shared a song that has helped me come a long way. I want to share it with you and others that are new since then...
FEAR by Blue October
The words are very powerful, and I hope it helps others as it has helped me.