I hear you, Pete. My identity was wrapped up with my husband since I was a teenager. I don't know who I am without him. As he became debilitated I scaled back my wants to fit our life.
As I'm getting to know just me, it's intimidating sometimes, but I'm taking my time getting to know myself. He was the more likable of the two of us, so finding what I like about myself and finding people who like just me is different. It's a challenge.
My best to you, Trici

There was a Pete before and there can be a Pete after. It will just take time. You are grieving now and that takes precedence over most things now.
I do understand the feeling tho. I didn't meet Mike til I was 41 so there was alot of ME already. But he was super popular and loved by anyone he met. I call it Pied Piper of People. So I lost Nancy and became Mike's wife . But he's not here now so I have to be Nancy again. I know she's still in there and she will come back...definitely changed from her life w/ Mike but hopefully it will be The New & Improved Nancy.
Many hug and much love ox

There is no doubt that we are a different person now than we were before we met our mate. The closeness of the relationship will cause you to change over time, and you are a better person than you were before you were with your mate.

It is the way of life. There is something about tests and trials act like sandpaper to smooth out the rough edges on our spiritual self. Your mate no doubt helped smooth out parts of your spirit.

So we just need to find our way. That is the task we all face :)

Bob

I totally get what you mean , the only thing I know for sure is that the new person emerging is who she is because she was loved by him ,

I very much agree with all that has been said by everyone. I have never functioned as an adult without my husband since I was 18 when we married and we were married for 39 years.

My husband was also the more personable one and the best parts of my personality are not exactly dominant right now!

I look forward to attaining a time in the future when the wounds have healed a bit and I can function more fully as who I am rather than reacting from this place of deep pain and emptiness.

I understand exactly what you mean about losing your identity. For me I truly was a different person before I met my wife. Through my wife's love I became much more positive and focused. But it feels as each day goes by life transforms into something else. There is a lot of fear associated with this journey I am now on without my wife.

I still struggle when signing a card..........I want to write Bill and Karen. (Secretly, I will forever think BillandKaren.........but I don't sign cards that way as others would think it inappropriate after 3 years).

I am not the Karen I was.......before Bill.
I am now Karen who was loved by Bill.
That makes me an infinitely better, stronger, more loving person. And a person who has been reminded that I can find strength and faith in Jesus.
Grief and anguish would never have been ......without "Bill and Karen" coming first...........all by God's grace..
Being humbled and softened thru loss, I am honored to give some solace to fellow human beings along the way till I go home.

People who are not going through this will never completely understand what you are saying. You can bet we all understand exactly. It is really indescribable until it happens to you, then and only then will you know. I feel as if I am reinventing myself all over. It is a slow hard process.

I was just 14 when I met my husband, and we were together for 42 years. He did everything for me, and took such good care of me. Now that he is gone, I am becoming my own person. I am stronger, undertaking challenges on a daily basis, that take me out of my comfort zone. I do feel such satisfaction when tasks are done. I am also learning from my mom, who passed away Sept 2012. I now look at each day as a blessing, learning to be patient and non-judgmemental. I also love life, and have so much love to share. Take care....Patricia

I was 15 when I started going with mike. Married as soon as I turned 16. together 49 years. he was very controlling, demanding. I had to get permission to do or buy anything. So, I just stayed in the background, until there was a problem to solve, or work to do. So, fast forward to Feb 11, 2013. Trying to find myself is near impossible. I have never known who I am, or what I want. So, at 64. What now?

Trici and Irs55 I had to smile at your response that he was the more likable of the 2 of you...the same goes for me. When my husband passed someone actually posted how Mike was the "more outgoing" of the two of us and how I was always more reserved and in the background. I really felt like "wow thanks...for that!" Another mutual friend had my back and posted that I wasn't as "outgoing and more reserved" because some one had to be ready with the bail money... I guess I am looking for my friends that are content to allow me to hold the bail money and not wanting me to be the life of the party.

My wife was definitely the toughest of our partnership. I have had to learn to be a little tougher the past 17 months since she passed. I met Donna when I was 17 she was 21. I always teased her of robbing the cradle. She made me what I am today. I wouldn't be me without having her in my life and I'm thankful for that. We were married 2 weeks shy of 40 years when she passed from breast cancer. I have lost the best half of me.

Yea, I went through that too and still am. Since I was with my husband for 23 yrs, I developed into a person whom he loved. Now that I am on my own, I ask myself, if this is me who thinks this way, or is the wife I developed into.

I like what Bob said about the rough edges being a bit smoother. I gave me a bit of hope. With the smoother edges it will be easier to tumble over some of the bumps without too many snags.

I always thought he was the better half too. The way I stick my foot in my mouth, he probably was. It has really made me feel good that my neighbors are sticking close together, and including me in the circle. This is a tight community. It doesn't seem to matter to them who I am as much as am I "good people". I guess I am, because they are helping out a lot. Finding out who I am is a challenge. I am not who I was before we were married, and I am not who I am when we were married. It is not a confident place to be at. I agree.