I put on the "face" too, try to laugh and appear fine. But I am dead inside. I am only at 4 months. The thought of living te rest of my life feeling this way. I don't want to.. I want to laugh, have fun, feels like I force myself to act this way, and it wears me out. I thought it might get better with time. Will it not?

Yes. It is. And I've got to say, Edith, that I'm gratified that you've pulled no punches in this post. For me, it's a push/pull situation. The part of me that's pulled through to this point, who can laugh, enjoy and engage, that part is not faking it. Then there's the other side. The part who realizes exactly the magnitude of what I've lost. The part who perceives exactly where that abyss is, because I've been there. The difference at 5 years is that I can identify it when it comes. It doesn't make it hurt any less. Marsha (who's, unbelievably, made it through this post without cursing)

This past weekend was the first weekend that I spent the most time out of the house. I was with my brother in law and his wife, we drove around for a while. My dry sense of humor was coming back and I was actually laughing, but at the same time I was feeling guilty for doing so but also knowing my wife would be happy that I was able to laugh again. It will be 13 weeks since my wife past away, and I never imagined I would be able to have fun or laugh again, but I did. When I got home I broke down, thinking about how much I wanted my wife to be with me, about the guilt I was feeling in having fun and laughing, but inside truly I am empty, I may have had fun and laughed, but that was not sustained like it would be if my wife was here with me to share those moments.

All the time I was out I did want to come back home to be closer to my wife. I miss her every second of each day. As much as people tell me that life carries on, what they don't realize is that my life ended when my wife passed. My wife was truly my life. I am doing the best I can to make it through each day, even though I feel numb to the world or just plain afraid of it now I am by myself.

Scouserboots, you said it best. I too try to enjoy my days, my kids, etc. I want to but when the end of the day comes and I'm alone in my room waiting for sleep to come, I truly feel alone and miss my Stephen terribly. Afraid, numb and wondering how the rest of my life will play out.

The wondering about what is next in my life keeps me awake. How do you start over after 30 years with someone? I too have the good days and bad. Little things will set me off, grief is so very unpredictable. My daughter's had a wonderful little retirement weekend for me and I felt so loved, but at the same time missed my husband terribly. He is missing so much. Our grandson is precious and my husband died 6 days before he was born. We all have to do what we feel comfortable with to get through each day.

You described it very well. Just feeling empty inside. I'm at 7.5 months, I hope it changes, but guess what...He's still dead, and I am pretty sure he's going to remain dead. So I really don't hold on to too much hope of feelling any better about him being dead. I try to put on the "face", but my life as I knew it is over.

I sometimes try to believe I am wearing one of those porcelain masks that have a smile painted on them. When I am by myself, I am able to take off the mask and let my feelings out. The emptiness is so great. When I am with friends or family I just try to have fun and I do, but when I am driving home alone the emptiness hits again. It has been 7-1/2 months for me.

It is very hard to find "joy" in anything. People look at me and say it will get better. But everyday I get up alone with no one talking or laughing with me. There is no reason to go shopping for food (who wants to eat alone). Going out with friends is just a big reminder that you are flying solo...how it hurts to see couples together. And at the end of the day, I go to bed without my love beside me. I exist.

'm at almost 7 1/2 months...I'm supposed to be getting BETTER according to many around me, so I put on my face and put one foot in front of another. Does anyone know where the "better" button is, because I'd like to just push it so I can make "everyone" around me feel better. Like Edith said, they should see me on the inside.
Blessings on us all,
Sharon

I'm at 2 and half years too. I have to say that I put on a face too I think. I enjoy time with friends and family, but I'm always keenly aware that Brian is missing.

However, my house is my safe place. I'd rather be there than anywhere and somedays it's hard to get motivated to go to work. I think that is related to leaving my pets home alone. Brian was disabled for the last four years that he was alive, and the pets were with him all day and I didn't worry about them. Now, I worry.

So, I don't see it as self confidence in me, but a lack of motivation. I feel content with my life. I'm alone, but not lonely which is my new favorite saying. I enjoy weekends and I try not to leave the house because of my pets.

I see it as something else too. I have a very public job and I deal with people and crisis all day long. When I come home I feel a need to be drama free. I watch stupid TV that makes me laugh and I shop on the internet.

I cross stitch sometimes which is my hobby, but even that is hard. He was my biggest cheerleader. I will retire in 10 years while I'm still in my 50s which is going to be hard too.

So I enjoy spending time with my cat and dog. Is that weird? I rush home after work to be with my pets, not people. But....maybe they are the reason I keep going. I don't know.

So to summarize....LOL....I have a lack of motivation and prefer a lack of drama in my daily boring life.

Nessie from KY

edithbathgate-that is alot of death to deal with in such a short amount of time! All of us being widows have for the most part experienced one death, and it is a tremendous loss for all of us, but I really feel for you.I am also a real good faker when it comes to being in front of people, going to the store, etc. When my friends and family told me when Ells died that I should maybe spend time in their house, I just absolutely would not have anything to do with it. My house is also shared with only two other aging female cats and many days that is all I have to talk to. It is fine on most days, I realize what is missing, I am not stupid. I have turned down invites for breakfast, dinner, etc., just because I knew I couldn't control when I would have the sadness HIT me and if it hit me hard, it would be embarrassing. For them as well as me. Today is my 8 month anniversary of Ells' death. I am absolutely spending this day with no one other than the computer and DS.

I understand, especially about the passing of additional people seeming to increase. When I look at the pictures of my husband there is a group of 8 , in the time since and during I am down to1, that is reachable by phone...way too many miles. So the core group of support that I might've counted on is gone. All the ones that know the laughter and joy we had, are with him. Family and friends? well they are there for special occasions, not around for anything meaningful.
In front of them... only the masks are seen.

I never really had any self confidence. Trying to find some with the social group I joined