Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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KurtT 05/20/2018

So its been a year and a half now since my wife and my unborn daughter died in a tragic car crash. Lots of water has passed under the bridge since then as they say. So I could lie and say I have been dealing with this well over the last year and a half but thats just the story I tell people I know. The fact is I've changed and its not been good, I no longer remember nor like who I am. If people described me a year and a half ago im sure the first thing they would have said was "He is kind and will bend over backwards for them he loves" But for the last year and a half thats not been me. I've been unkind I've started lying about stuff that I would never have lied about in the past I've stopped caring. I start arguments for the sake of it, I dont even know why I do it. I am nasty to people I love and care about I dont know whats happened to me. Im just not me anymore.
All the disgusting elements that I fought so hard to banish in the past, all the things I told my friends they shouldnt have to put up with have manifested in me.
I was told it would make me a stronger person a kinder person to other peoples plight but I dont feel like that at all. Its made me selfish and reserved. Its made me a horrible man. I never thought things would get like this and I worry what the future holds for me. When people say "Oh you're young" the reality is physically yes I am but mentally and socially I feel like an old man just waiting for death.

I put this in here because I know none of you know who I am, so you cant do something stupid like call the police thinking im some sort of murderer. This isnt the case, I feel no anger towards people. I have no desire to attack or damage them. No... its like im ashamed of everything that is me now and I cant tell the truth about anything anymore. Its like I feel unable to be the person I once was. I was fired from my previous job because after 7 months in the same job I suddenly just lost any want to go back. I just stopped going back to work.
Of course I lied to my friends and family and told them I was laid off. I dont know who I am anymore I miss her every second and I feel like I am still living in a post shock world. I still feel like she should come back any minute with some groceries telling me how the PC brand is the best and how Metro is so expensive.
I dont wanna tell the dr because im scared hes gonna think im some sort of psycho or something when thats not how it is. I am so lonely I try to talk to everyone and yet all that comes out is a pack of lies. I dont even know why.
I dont want to be me anymore I want to be someone else, someone that isnt a liar that has nothing left but a small box apartment and a job at Walmart. Why cant I be me anymore? I always imagined to be happy and settled by the age of 40, at this rate I worry that all my 40th birthday will bring is more misery and disappointment.
Why am I acting like this? And will I ever go back to being the old me or am I doomed to be a hopeless loser that lies about everything and lies in bed waiting for his wife to come home to a home she never lived in, in a city she never set foot in? Is this it?

CanYouFeelMyHeart 05/20/2018

Hey there,

This may be a bit odd, but I just signed up on this site and saw what you wrote, and I just wanted to say that you're not alone feeling like that. I get it. It's been a year and a half for me too and I just don't care about anyone anymore. I ignore them and am rude to friends and family, and I just don't care.
And it's not me and I can't explain it. I'm lonely, but I don't want people around me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think it's okay to have changed. I think (or hope) this is temporary. One day we might be able to be better than we are today and recognise ourselves again.

lovesloons 05/20/2018

Oh my heavens friend, don't be so hard on yourself. I think pretty much all of us walking this path of grief have strayed from our former true self. You had a terrible tragedy, and your mind and body are broken. I too lied to hide my pain, pushed people away so they didn't get too close, isolated myself but slowly through friends and family, I found my way back to me and you will too. It takes time, patience, tears and it's hard no doubt about it but you will find your way back to the true you. Be kinder to yourself, and maybe each day have a memory of your loved one and smile, remember the love you two shared. Let people help you, you are not alone. When my husband died, my whole world shattered into a million pieces in an instant. No one is prepared to be so shattered and how it can it not change us to some degree. Don't give up hope friend. Jan.

KurtT 05/20/2018

The thing is im still doing it. Im still living this constant torture. Living in someone elses body. I always prided myself on being a good man who knew right from wrong. I always was there for people I loved, I told people hard truths I stuck up for people regardless of the situations. Nowadays im not even sure I'd stick up for myself nevermind someone else. I'd probably tell them I was the king of Morocco or some similar crap to hide the fact that I am just me.

I have beautiful memories of my wife, the thing is we were only married for 6 months before she died. It was the best year of my life and I didnt even realise it at the time. Nowadays im just "That guy that wife died" stay away from him or he'll infect you with his unhappiness.

I had a friend who I used to talk to quite a lot she was a lovely old woman she used to listen to me harp on for hours about how amazing my wife was. How amazing she was to everyone. Unfortunately she had to move away to live with her daughter cause she was so old she couldnt manage alone. It wasnt till she left I realised just how valuable and how much I missed her.
She is the only person in 18 months who I havnt alienated with my awful attitude or hasnt decided I was too much to handle.

I will always remember them amazing days in bright warm Canadian sun. With the most beautiful kind woman I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I dont wanna meet someone else I dont wanna move on I want her and I want me back. I dont wanna be this person. I dont even know why I moved here. I think it was desperation.

lindonn 05/20/2018

I’m sitting here reading your story and tears are running down my face. I know how you feel. My husband has been gone 9 months and I am so depressed and lonely. I have pushed every person away from me, so I have nobody to talk to. I live 300 miles from my daughter, who I would love to move close to, but I don’t know if I have the energy to do what it takes to move.

I think once our spouse passes, we can never be the same person ever again. Every single thing about our day to day lives have changed. It’s like I stepped out of my life and into someone else’s and I don’t know who I am anymore.

Maybe the reason you are lying and trying to hurt others is because you want them to feel a bit of your pain. Also a way to cover up the depth of your pain. I am so sorry that you didn’t get to live out your life with your wife and meet your sweet baby to raise together. Life can be so unfair. My heart truly goes out to you....Linda

Msbklyn 05/20/2018

I lost my husband 2 years and almost 8 months ago. I didn't want to survive. A part of me died with him. We were together 33 years, since I was 22. We were married almost 30 years and had an amazing life and shared an amazing love, certainly not perfect but we belonged together. I always felt that, from the beginning we knew we were supposed to be together. I am just recently beginning to feel like I may be ok, really ok. I miss him all the time, but the pain is getting so much easier to bear. I can think of him and smile. For the longest time I'd do everything to avoid thinking of him because the pain was unbearable. Time, time and more time helps. I've tried to understand but still don't and never will understand why he had to go. I don't think this type of loss makes you better but it certainly changes you, it's a new existence. You learn the things that no one ever wants to know. And you can't go back to your old life. But you don't know what to do with the new one, the one you did not choose. Just going one day at a time has gotten me through. That is the only thing I could do. Today, this one moment. They add up and time goes by. It does get better. Not for a long time, but it does.

regwin 05/20/2018

Hi Kurt, I am so deeply sorry for your pain. I can truly understand the turmoil your life has become. I've been widowed twelve years after being married to a great guy for forty years. We had a nice life but when he died, I wasn't ready to give him up. I wanted more. I did not know which way to turn. For me it helped to join a bereavement group at church. It opened up a new world for me. . it gave me courage. I looked around and listened to the people there who had some time in and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to face this awful thing that happened. Gradually I was able to pull it together and love life again. It took some work but I never forget those days or the people who helped me through it. Hope Hospice has meetings once a week.
If possible, seek a group or one on one counseling. Please know this will take some time to get through, but you will be alright. This is a wonderful site. Visit here whenever you need to. The people here have all had a loss and they care . May strength and peace be with you. Hugs, Dolores

Sophia2002 05/21/2018

I get it is about all I can offer you. Really your braver than I am because you can write those things down. 18 months in and I’m finally pushing people away. I was so much of a “ok” girl. That I couldn’t tell people no. Now I’m just not responsive when they reach out. I got into an argument with an old man in the grocery store parking lot. That ended with him telling me is was glad he wasn’t my husband. He probably should be glad since mine is dead. So I don’t have much advice except for your recognizing what your doing and from what I hear that’s a place to start a change whenever your ready.

lmj90 05/21/2018

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you feel. Grief has changed me too. Its been 3 years and 6 months since I lost my husband. Its a lonely and hard road. I find myself picking fights, being short with the people I love, having no tolerance for any one telling me how I should feel or how I should live life, or that its been long enough. I don't want this life.... Unfortunately its the life I have been given. Forced into this unknown. I'm not sure why this happens to us. All I know is its good that you acknowledge it. You see that this is a person you don't recognize. Give yourself credit for that. We as grievers tend to internalize our feelings. When that happens there is no way for them to get out other than in anger, lies, or the feeling of just plain not caring. I have tried to find an outlet and its not easy. Its a daily search, a daily struggle and it changes daily as well. My needs and moods change so my outlet does too. If these behaviors aren't who you are or want to be try to change your thought process a little at a time. When faced with a situation that you know you are going to lie in or that you feel anger welling up try to take a step back and think of a better way of coming across. Obviously you have a heart and you are a good person, Otherwise you wouldn't be so troubled by your actions. I wish you all the best.

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