First of all, Rick, my condolences. I also lost a spouse to cancer 11 months ago. It still haunts me, doesn't seem real, doesn't seem fair, and all of the above. We are here because at least some of us are not getting much support elsewhere. That is not an all-conclusive statement, but I am speaking for myself. I trust you have already had whatever "service" you chose behind you, and harsh reality is setting in. I don't have the words to say to make you feel better, other than that you must go on with life the best you can. 43 years is a long, long time - more than my three marriages put together. Spend time with those boys; try to stay busy; but even then the pain will be there like a knife through your heart. Time will heal partially and will numb some of the pain. I know I have God in my life, and that He has everything in control, but I was angry with God for a good while (may still be). Yet I know that God is sovereign, and he has the power of life and death. I gave it my best shot to keep my husband alive, up to the last hour. I failed. So I guess he wanted another disciple up there, and Dennis would definitely qualify. But not getting to say goodbye or discuss anything important really hurts and tears me apart. I feel like a lost little girl. I do crazy things like leave my keys in the front door overnight - well, I guess I shouldn't go there, but it's part of the new "normal." I don't know who I am any more. But know that you are not alone; you have this group and a place to vent. One day at a time...

Thanks for listening and responding. I wish I could offer you anything positive, but I am empty.

Hi Rick~

First, please accept my condolences to you for the loss of your life partner. I am a pretty open so I hope I don't get kicked outta here for what I share next. You do matter. You matter to your wife, to your kids. You matter to the co-workers, the mailman, the store clerks, you matter.

You need to be enough for you to keep going--minute by minute. I am not going to bore you with my story, as we each are hurting or we would not be here. I will, however, share my darkest second. After him being gone for a long time, I didn't matter to me anymore. I am glad some days that my feet hit the floor and some days I wish it would be silent. My kids have their own perspective to live with, so being alone with this rawness inside is what I try to do.

Write to her, sing to her, find the little things that she is sending to you. A butterfly, a smile, a song on the radio, honor her by making yourself matter.

Thanks.

Hang in their friend. Your not alone in how you feel. I too lost my soul mate to cancer just two weeks ago. I'm sure your wife like mine talked about what she wanted you to do. Remember only the good , know they are in A better place, and God willing we will see then again . stay strong.

Thx FBB, you to.

I am so very sorry for your loss. After 2 years and 6 weeks I can say things change over time. I needed to know that early on and was so glad to find this site. I too wanted to die but would never consider doing anything. Passing an airport and having a landing plane pass over my car made me think that it would be perfectly fine if the plane landed on me. After 33 years of being with my husband I didn't know who I was without him or if I wanted to be here without him. My children were only 24 and 27 so I didn't want them to lose both of us. I took it one day at a time, sometimes an hour or minute at a time. After a few months I began to have a day without breaking down and then a few good days before I had a bad one. I am in the midst of a difficult week or so but I pray this will pass. I make plans with friends or family so I have something to look forward to and work as much as possible. I also have a granddaughter now and take joy in being with her. I still miss my husband with every ounce of my being but I am surviving and finding ways to go on. I wish you peace. Marybeth

Thank you. I am searching for any way at all for carrying on. Maybe grasping for a life ring that does not exist.

It seems to be pretty common, the desire to join them. I feel it too. But, we have children that shouldn't have to go through what devastation that would cause. It's only been 26 days for me but, I have given a lot of thought to taking the easy way out. But, my husband would not want me end my pain just by passing it on to our children that he loved so much. Reading other peoples stories have been a big help. I know I am not alone and neither are you. Together we can keep each other strong. <HUGS>

Thank you. I don't believe in suicide, which does not seem to change the fact that I wish to die. I wouldn't dishonor my wife's memory, or devastate my remaining family with an act of suicide.

i had the same thoughts... how could i reach beyond life to touch her again... there is no way.. by design.. so i do what would make her proud.. keep my head up and try to make a difference.. praying you find strength.

I think this is something that only those who have lost a loved one can truly understand. I've been experiencing this myself, feeling so badly like I want to die to escape the pain but more importantly so I can be with my husband again, however I am in no way suicidal. Obviously I can't tell this to family or friends because they would just worry, but I'm glad I can say it here and everyone understands.

Thx countrylive and ginger13. Its helps some to know others have similar thoughts.

We go on a journey, one step at a time. From being numb, not being able to think straight, not sleeping, being lonely etc we go through so much and no one seems to understand unless they have been through it. The time when you know you are not a couple anymore, how our lives have changed forever. Not only ourselves, but that of our children. Grief seems to go on and on. We have to realise it is ok to cry, to break down at the slightest thing, it is normal. Our live change and will never be the same again. I have found that my faith in God has seen me through and that one day I will see my husband again and be reunited with him. Looking forward to that day keeps me sane and a goal in my life. It is ok to feel different feelings, and no matter how long it takes, we all cope with grief in our own way and in our own time. Time doesn't heal, in time it gets a little easier as we learn to cope as our lives have changed.
Grief is a different pain that only people who have been through it understand. Look for friends and family who will support you and not after a period of time, think you are over it as they say and move on with their lives. They do not understand and never will. Grief isn't something you get over, I really do not like how people say that, they have no clue. Grief is something that we live with for the rest of our lives. We do not want to ever forget our loved ones, we have precious memories that help us survive and cope.

Well said faith-hope....I could not have said it better. Grief is something we learn to manage, but will never leave us. I too, am looking forward to being reunited with my husband. That is what gets me through each day.

I hope you are getting some relief here Rick. It has helped me tremendously to share my feelings on the site. There is something very healing about it. God bless you.....hang in there! linda