Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Losing hope....

Sjay
Sjay

These days so hard. I guess need to vent...


I lost your husband in June of 2015. In turn, I lost everything else because he was in the process of beginning a new job. He ended his old one Thursday and was starting the new one on Monday when he suddenly died at 2am Friday. I have subsequently have gone through our savings trying to find a job that will support me. I only worked part time after his step father passed. I am 54, with no experience since 2009, and no one will hire me. I moved to North Carolina to be with extended family. My daughter is in school and my son's are overseas presently so living with them isn't an option. I am so lost and feel like I don't fit anywhere.


I don't like feeling these feelings. I am lonely without Pete, my husband, but the rest of life is making this so much harder. I am thankful we had 15 years instead of none, but life keeps the pain so raw. I can't make peace with this if this is all there is after losing him.I feel so negative all the time and pathetic. I am being told by people I know it's because "you haven't left go". Is this really the case? Or like the friend I am staying with, "it will all work out be patient".


19 months in a few days and here I am....how do I get out of this 'stuck' mode? How do I have faith the storm will pass? I lost my husband, apartment, furniture, household stuff, friends, self confidence, etc.......


roxanne809
roxanne809
Sjay,
I am so sorry that you are having difficulty finding work. I am unfamiliar with how it is in North Carolina; but, here in Maryland, we have programs for women who have been out of the work force and that offer some job training. If you have not already done so, check to see what your county/district offers. Others on this site may be able to offer other suggestions. As for the remarks regarding your grieving your husband, ignore them. Until you have traveled this road, a person cannot even begin to imagine how difficult a journey. I am reaching seven years. Some might still say that "I have not let go." To them, I say, "Walk in my shoes for just a day or two without your beloved spouse by your side." Your life has been turned upside down. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your husband. Keep coming here and post when needed. We all understand. If you were sitting her in front of me, I would give you a much-needed big hug. Roxanne
roxanne809
roxanne809
By the way, you are not "stuck." Grieving the loss of a spouse takes time, lots of time. Roxanne
luckydaughter
luckydaughter
Hi Sjay. I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes vocational/technical schools offer job training for women who have been out of the workforce for awhile and often the cost is very low. And I agree with Roxanne: ignore people who tell you to "let go". They really don't know what they are talking about.

Sylvia
jdp
jdp
We each are different, we each will process the challenges that life brings in various ways.
Each of us have had a major upheaval. Lonely, yes. Exhausted, sometimes thinking it will never end.
It has been 3 years, some days are better than others. A local hospital, a church may offer a support group. A community college may be a resource for training, job hunting.
You need encouragement, give yourself the credit due yourself, you are seeking employment, that is difficult at this time in your life as you also are coping with the loss of your spouse.

Life is a changing journey
jdp
Sjay
Sjay
Thanks everyone. I didn't know where else to turn and found this site. I was hoping to finally talk to people who understand where I am coming from. I thought I was doing really well all by myself and life got in the way. It really takes you down when you can't even do a simple thing like get a job! I ask why Pete had to leave if all I am left with is a shell of a life in which I can't take care of myself. I started writing again. Started a blog to help write my way through this. But there are days when I just feel down on myself because I can't get life situated. My hop was to get life in order and someday be thankful for our 14 years even though sadness would always touch part of my life.
I really appreciate your responses. I am not alone!
MrsP
MrsP
No you certainly aren't alone and this site is wonderful. I remember feeling so hopeless only weeks ago (just coming up to 11 weeks). I could see absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. This site has shown me people at all different stages of their walk with grief. I also use counsellors, and a bereavement group who meet fortnightly. I am learning to ride the waves. Take care xx
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I am sorry for your loss and all the subsequent losses! That's what most who haven't been through this don't realize - that we lose more than our other half! A couple of practical things that might help you tide over until you find work: if your daughter is in school, you should be able to get Social Security for her as a minor survivor. If your daughter is under 16, you would also qualify for benefits while caring for her. Also, make sure you request your Social Security lump sum death benefit - it's only $255, but every little bit helps, right? Here is a link to the pdf on the Social Security site that lists what benefits you may qualify for and how to contact Social Security:

https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10008.pdf

I hadn't received the lump sum for Cliff's death, and I contact Social Security to ask about it. They then informed me that because my younger son was in school when he died and also disabled that he at least would qualify for benefits. I did not qualify for myself as I was working, but my son's benefits really helped. Please do take a look and give them a call.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
Sjay
Sjay
Thanks Martha. I did receive the lump sum. My daughter who is my youngest is a junior in college in so. California. Because of my age, I don't qualify for anything else.
Somewhere in this mess I will find me and my next right step. But it is so difficult some days!
BBs
BBs
I am sorry for your loss. Friends who tell you that you have 'not let go', do not know what they are taking about. Everyone grieves differently. Your life will go on, but in a different way, me and my children ( grown) are still going though grief, and it has been two years since my husband passed. Most days are good, but the sadness does hit. If you have family/friends who can help, ask them for support. Stay in faith.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I found a listing on the net for a conference that starts tomorrow, Jan. 30th, that is to help women get back to work. I don't know if it's in your area, but maybe it's worth taking a look:

https://www.backtobusinessconference.com/

I hope this helps.....

Hugs,
Martha
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