I don't know how long you've been on this journey, but I've been on it for 20 months. I try to focus on today and maybe tomorrow. I don't have many future plans as my future creates anxiety for me.

I've bought a new living room suite, a new mattress, sold a lot of his toys, and am thinking about redoing my kitchen. Just after the funeral, I made a list of all the things I needed/wanted to do. Not true future things, but things I could accomplish in the present. I put things like getting a new toilet and shower doors on the list.

I know that if I think too far ahead, I will create anxiety for myself because I don't know what my future holds. Someone recently said that if I constantly think about the future, I will miss the present. I'm trying to remember that and focus on today and tomorrow and not thinking much past that.

To wrap it up, that's just my idea and so far it's helping to keep my grounded in the present without too much focus on my uncertain future.

Nessie from KY

I have not been able to see anything but the here and now since Steve passed away in January of 2011. Two years is quickly approaching and I still only see the now. I have accomplished some things--but I did them as I could--and didn't look too far down the road--because the road just seemed to look empty when I tried. I think it's probably pretty normal--because we are still trying to get past the loss of the future we thought we had--the future that "should have been"--it's not there any longer so we see only empty space. I hope some day I will look ahead and see something positive waiting for me--but until then I will concentrate on the now and make the best of it. Hugs

It is very hard to look forward when the future that you envisioned is no longer.

And to be honest, after reading a few discussions and just knowing what I am experiencing, just getting through the moments of each day can be hard enough.

We, of all people, know how fleeting life can be - it's here today and gone tomorrow. I think part of that is why it's so hard to plan or look at the future without getting anxious. I have become very good friends with panic, anxiety, depression and anger.

We are patient and understanding with others, but for some reason it's difficult to be that way with ourselves. And right now, we need to be patient and understanding and just a little bit selfish.

And if anyone is ever bored and needs something to do, i can't convince my dog that he should at least clean up the kitchen or vacuum while i'm working! :-)

Thank you for bringing up this subject. I'm 7 months into this widow thing. Until you put this feeling into words for me, I didn't realize exactly what it is that has been making me so restless - it IS looking to the future and seeing nothing there - that HUGE change in plans when our spouses were ripped from us. It took years to build that future and I don't know how to begin to start building another one.

I have been managing living in the here and now...making the daily decisions - little and big. And, you are SO right, again: robotic - no joy in asking Darrell what HE thinks and getting a response, even if it doesn't agree with my opinion, and the ensuing discussion.

So, I now have a new item to add to the list of misses: his touch, his voice, his smile and his viewpoint. This loss and grief stuff sucks!

Hugs,
Terry

My youngest child will be 2 in November. I have a long way to go before I reclaim my life. I may never reclaim it. I will be 50 by then and probably won't care. I know I will still be working as there will always be bills and educations to pay for. I am not sure about the future at this point.

Maggie

I'm new to all this - just approaching the end of my first month. But I've got a good friend who lost his wife a year ago, and one thing he told me has really stuck. He said it's important to start making some changes and do something different so there's at least one thing in your life that's new and doesn't have a connection to the past.

I think he's right. I'm still reeling, still numb, still overcome at least once every day by a feeling of such shock that it takes my breath away.

However - I looked at Roads Scholar (formerly Elder Hostel) website, and I am bound and determined that I will book a vacation for next spring or summer. Traveling was one of our favorite things to do. In the 7 years we had there was never the time or money to do so much of what we planned, but we did have some fun jaunts together. I want to build on those memories by continuing to take trips and see new things. I can't have Rick with me when I go, and it won't be the same, and I know that a part of me will be very sad - but I will do this so I can start creating some good memories for my new life.

Wiwidow, it sounds like your friend gave you some solid advice. That seems like a great way to look forward, even if you are just planning right now.

Dear paulLost,
Your comment that life has become sterile is understandable to me. My take is that life has become pointless, so many things are pointless when the one you built your life with is not here to share them. For the last 15 months it has been, 'what's the point', 'where's the meaning', and 'what value are memories and things' when your pal, partner, loved one cannot be here to enjoy them.
But in staying alive and creating a raison d'etre - a reason for being - we strive and continue and do our best to honor the memory by living the best we can, and keeping our friends and family close, and just being as peaceful and calm as we can be in the face of the loneliness and sadness. Keep on trying - perhaps it will get better!
GlorS

Looking into the future is a bit scary for me. I have big bills that could chip away the savings very quickly. The only way to solve it is to sell my house and then I have to figure where to go. I see everything having no meaning nor value to me. I made a comment to my younger daughter that I don't want to live more than 2 more years. She said to me, she lost her dad and her future child (she is pregnant) is robbed of a great grandpa and her husband's father was never in his life, so she would want me to be there for her child someday. Both my daughters make me feel important in their lives. I am reminded by my children and their spouses my husband was a wonderful grandpa and so am I as a mother and grand mother. A new grand child will be born in April. It will be a new grandma chapter for me and it will continue to be my future.