Not sure if it will make you feel better but I was holding my husband's hand when he went and it was very peaceful. He just stopped breathing and his heart a short time after. No drama no gasp just peace. I'm sure you would have woke if you were needed.
My husband would try to spare me his pain trying to be strong till the end. You shouldn't feel any guilt for anything. Being the caregiver is hard work. Not just the physical but also the mental exhaustion is over whelming.
I'm having a hard time with just plain missing him he was such a good friend. I cried yesterday because I had heard important news about one of his friends and I forgot for a second that he wasn't there. It was a crushing blow to remember I couldn't share it with him.
I seem to be on the positive side today. I actually went shopping and had coffee with a couple of friends. It was nice.

I completely understand that questioning yourself if only I had done something different. I lost my wife a little over a year ago. I left on morning for work. She was fine had no complaints. I returned a little over five hours later and she was gone. Totally unexpected. I still go over it in my mind, if only I had. If I had stayed home could I have helped. Did I miss something? Could I have this and that. I finally had to let it go or go crazy. It sounds like a cliche to some, but God called her home and it wasn't my place to stop it. She was constantly worried about having a stroke and not able to care for herself in a wheel chair. She prayed when it was her time it would be peacefully. She went in her sleep. And even though I wasn't able to tell her goodbye, it was a blessing the way God brought her home. In her sleep. She had been in so much pain over the years she deserved a peaceful trip back home. I have had a couple of visits from her. And I am at peace knowing where she is and we will be reunited one day when I make that trip back home.
For now I will tell you that the pain will get better over time. I didn't want to hear that in the beginning. But for now don't even think about the next day or minute. Just take care of you in the moment. The other will take care of itself. Something in the Bible I used to got me thru. It says, God will never leave you or forsake you and will always show you a way thru. And that we should not be anxious for anything and to know He is our God. I know I'm paraphrasing but the message is there. If your a lady of faith lean on it hard. It will get you thru this. And you will begin to understand things you didn't before. This is a wound that unless you go thru it there isn't anyway to explain it. So take your time. And don't ever let anyone tell you it's time to get over it. They don't know. It isn't something you get over but something you learn to live with. So be good to you. And try to believe there wasn't anything to do, it was his time as was my wife's time. And it will be ours one day.
Please take care.
Peace, Tim

I just lost my sweetie in December, so, I'm also new here. I just wanted to let you know, I'm praying for you. Stay connected...we're all grieving here. You're not alone.

Thank you all so much for your replies and words of comfort and support. Just when I think that I am getting better, I am once again overwhelmed with grief and miss him so much. I know it will just take time. Each of you are also grieving and in my prayers as well. I so appreciate this site and your taking the time to reach out to me in your time of pain. God bless you all.

I feel the guilt also, I think and go over the signs... I think that I should have could have, would have done..... He died unexpected on Feb 2016. About a month before he passed away he wanted me to slow down and not work so much and I had told him I would but had already signed up for my schedule. He wanted to spend more time with me and told me at times he was lonely. Well he passed away a month after that conversation and I now feel lonely and miss him so much. I feel like I am being punished. I wish I could turn back time... but I cannot.

Renie, I so much can relate to your feelings. I was a workaholic for many years. Then I retired a few years ago and his health began to fade. Toward the end my time was almost all committed to taking care of him. Whenever I had the chance I would go into another room and just spend a little time to myself. I felt sometimes that he was taking me for granted. Turns out, I was the idiot. I was taking him for granted - never (until the very end) thinking that I might loose him, and how awful it would be. I too, spend so much time thinking about all the things I wish I could go back and change. I too have wondered if I am being punished. I miss him so and I would spend every moment of every day with him just loving him and making sure he knew. I know that George knew that I loved him dearly and he loved me too. For that I am blessed. I also know that God is caring and loving and I don't believe would punish us, but we may have had a life lesson to learn. We cannot go back and change the past, but we can learn from our mistakes and become better persons and maybe be able to help someone else in the future. God forgives us and our lost loved one forgives us I believe. Now we have to forgive ourselves which is not easy. I am working on it. I hope that knowing you are not alone helps you. God bless.

Sadnlonely, First of all I'm sorry for your loss of your Love... I also lost my husband, Dennis suddenly almost 19 months ago..I was home with him when he passed in his sleep..I had slept in another bedroom that night..He wanted to catch up on some Game Thrones, he had recorded... and I was tired..We had a beautiful day the day before he passed..We had done our yard, I cut his hair and we sat on our deck and a drink..Looked at the beautiful mountains, we can see from our deck..He started talking, about how much he loved me and what a great life he had, had..He said how much he loved his daughters.(3)..and how much he loved our grand kids and even our neighbors...I said are you OK? I said you're scaring me..He just smiled his beautiful smile and blue eyes and said Gail, I'm fine..Just feeling really grateful today...He was in good health, other than taking high blood pressure medication..
Sometimes I think the soul knows when it getting ready to transition..
Sadnlonely, remember as fortunate as you were to have had him in your life, he was also fortunate to of had you in his life..It sounds like you took really good care of him...Yeah, guilt is bad but I think regret is the worst, because we always wonder what might have been, and the combination of both is the worst..but I've found guilt to be a useless emotion, because it doesn't change anything one way or the other, it's only purpose is to cause us more self induced suffering...
I'm sure your husband wouldn't want you suffering any more...He isn't and is a good place and being taken care of...Now take care of you now...If you have to see a doctor..eat when you can and drink lots of water, and sleep when you can....It will get better, I never thought it would 19 months, but it has...I miss Dennis everyday, but most of all I miss Us..
Don't cry because it's over..smile because it happened..Dr. Seuss..
Take care....Gail....
Read all the posts under signs also..

I'm the same way. This is why I think the afterlife books/articles gave me more comfort than anything else I have read even if they require a leap of faith to believe.

Also when you take on the role of the caregiver, your thoughts most of the day were focused on caregiving tasks. It feels doubly empty when these thoughts were, all of a sudden, not needed anymore.

Towards that end, I can only suggest you with the same thoughts I have with my love in spirit. Whatever ailed her no longer does. And wherever she is, she will be smart enough to adapt. She will also have family surrounding her that she will not be alone.

mysweetie2 and raininseattle, thanks so much for your postings. Both of you did ease my pain. I know the guilt is self destructive, but it is so hard sometimes not to go there. We had 29 years together which were wonderful and I do feel so blessed that I had him in my life. Neither of us was perfect of course, but we totally loved each other. mysweetie2 I loved your quote "Don't cry because it's over..smile because it happened..Dr. Seuss." I need to remember that one. raininseattle I loved your statement that 'whatever ailed her no longer does". You are so right and I am really glad that George is not in pain and suffering any more. Do you have an afterlife book to recommend. I am a definite believer. mysweetie2 I have read the posts under Signs, but that group of postings made me sad because I have not experienced any of those signs, at least not that I have recognized. It is not even two months yet since he passed and I don't know if that is relevant, but that is one of the reasons that I worry that he is upset with me and not around in spirit. We had him cremated and most of his ashes are here with me. Our children will put us together some day. I had two memorial services, one here and one in his hometown boyhood church which would have made him very proud. I love him so much and I miss him terribly. Talking with you all helps me though so much. God Bless you all.

Sadnlonely...Here are some books that helped me..

Everlasting Love... and Never Say Goodbye..both by Patrick Matthews..
Imagine Heaven.. by John Burke..

And four Chicken Soup for the Soul Books..
Touched by an Angel..
Dreams and Premonitions..
Miraculous Messages from Heaven..
Hope and Miracles..

The Afterlife of Billy Fingers....Annie Kagan...

Don't bother with 90 minutes in Heaven...

Many of these you can get through Amazon or Barnes and Noble..
I hope this helps...Come here often, there are many wonderful, people willing to help you through your journey of grieve...Peace..Gail...

Sadnlonely, My husband was also cremated, as I will be..we will be scattered together, in a special place we picked in the beautiful, Red Rock, country and Forest..by a stream with Wild Yellow roses...In the state we live in..Where we spent many wonderful days, camping with our kids and grand kids...;-)

Journey of Souls - Michael Newton
The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell YOU - Mike Dooley

Ive been reading about atoms and how they never die so therefore his atoms are still on Earth.. I am 10 months into this journey from another world..I am still questioning myself...what if i had done this or that..I nagged him too often..and then i hear another voice saying you did all you could do and he knows your love him..(( Hugs))

shelda, thank you for your reply. That is very interesting about atoms. I do believe that our spirit does not die. It has been 2 months for me and I, like you, keep thinking about what I could have done differently and all the times I nagged or we had words. And then I too think about the all the loving times and how many times he told me how proud he was of me and that I was an amazing woman, and I try to tell myself that is what matters. I think you are right and they both new how much we love them and would hate that we have so much pain. So I have to ask, after 10 months, is the pain easier to handle? I am still just working through a day at a time, but have hope for some relief down the road on this journey. Hugs to you too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I believe things do get better. It's been 15 months for me and it has been a rollercoaster. For the past few weeks I have felt a change. Something's different. Things shift. The pain is not as acute. It does gradually subside. At least this has been my experience. I wondered initially how long it would take until the pain was over. I suppose it's different for everyone but for me I can say there has been a lessening of the deep pain. Not easy by any means, I'm always missing him. So many people I know have been suffering losses lately. You feel others pain now because you understand what they will face. Hang in there. One day at a time. God Bless