Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello everyone,
It has been 9 months since losing my wife of 26 years to alcoholism. She struggled for so long and in the end it took her from me after stealing so many days I missed with her..
Holiday weekends were always special in an odd sort of way. She would usually drink too much on Friday and on Saturday be passed out.
Then finally Sunday and Monday would be mine with her, for two days.
Even looking after her on Saturday was special since I was not at work and did not have to worry.
Now long weekends are so lonely. Even if I try to do something with my family, they are not her. I miss her so much and being with them is a special sort of loneliness and pain. We did not have kids or that might be a different feeling...
Everything reminds me of her and what I have lost.
It is oppressive to my soul how good things no longer mean much without her to share them.
Trivial tasks that we would do together or for each other are melancholy at best and a weepy event more often than not.
It still strikes me at times, such as when I am returning to the house from walking the dog, that she will not be there. She will never be there, and I am utterly alone and crying all over again. It is like my mind or my heart is distracted from the loss and once reminded it is my undoing.
I know everyone says it will take time, I unfortunately have time as I am only 52 and will statistically have to live this pain for a LONG time. It is better than it was, no doubt, however this is no way to live and I don't see how it will ever end before I die.
Thanks for listening and I hope all of you have a better weekend than I am ruminating about....and dreading...
Take Care and best wishes,
joe
My husband died after a 3 and a half yr. battle with cancer. We are in our 50s as well. It's been 11 months. I dread Oct. 1st, for it will be the 1 yr. mark. It feels like it was just yesterday.
I agree with you that being with other people, family, is an odd sort of loneliness and pain.
Sometimes I prefer to be alone. Other times it's unbearable.
Long weekends, all weekends, any special or ordinary days now suck.
It's like, why am I here? I should be with him.
I don't know. I guess we have to get through minute to minute.
Is there anything that brings you any peace?
I like to paint. It doesn't makes me happy, but it does bring me some peace. But it isn't something I can always do.
I hope there's something you like to do that can give you a few peaceful moments.
I was thinking that I haven't actually rested since he passed. I have slept, mostly out of pure exhaustion from grief. But not rested or relaxed. I don't know if I ever will again.
I hope what others say about it getting better, is true. For both of us. For all of us.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Tess
Shelda your sentiments are at once encouraging and concerning. Encouraged it gets ‘better’ but at the same time the forever void my wife has left and how I will survive is daunting.
Tess, your comment about sleep really resonates....I don’t think I have felt rested either. Sometimes I think it is the widower fog but maybe widower fog is just the lack of restful sleep.
I am tired of being sad and tired all of the time, that is for sure.
The promise of things getting better seems so far away and even if or when reached it seems like it will be a life that I am not sure is any kind of life but instead just existing.
Thank you for sharing, it is good to connect even in this limited manner:)
Take Care! and best wishes to everyone.
Joe
I to lost my husband of 32 years almost a year ago this month to alcoholism. I do remember all the weekends, holidays and special events where he would also drink too much and pass out. But, there was something weird about it all, even though it was stressful and sometimes embarrassing during those events, I still miss coming home to him. I am angry at the disease that took away the person that I first knew and loved. I miss the moments when he was sober and he was funny and witty. I miss the moments where we would garden together or just go grocery shopping. Holidays are not the same, and I hate going alone now to events. I try to busy myself but it is very difficult to find groups during this time with Covid. I can tell you time has helped some and every day I look for something good in my life. and to be grateful for and I record it in a journal. This has helped me so much. Just talking to others who are experiencing the same thing has also helped, as they can relate to our situation. I wish you the best in this hard journey.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Alcoholism is such a complicated disease, and being a widowed person is such a complicated process, that I think the to make an extra complicated and crappy situation for us to deal with.
Who is nice to hear that someone understood and understands my perspective.
People saw the struggle and although they said they understood it was a disease, they really didn’t
Going through it we understand what AA means by saying they are powerless. She was ravaged by that disease and nothing I did saved her life I will never forgive myself and that makes me want to end it all everyday. But I try to take one day at a time and hope I can stop that fricking disease from taking me too. It took so much from me already. It is hard though to find reasons to continue this struggle without her.
Thanks for listening, it is a rough morning for me today, a down day on this crap-coaster.
Sorry
Joe
I hate the early evening to early morning time. I feel my most awful and vulnerable at this time.
Weekends are not relaxing or fun, I dread them and know it is too much downtime which allows too much thinking, but I have no energy to get up and do anything. I am so tired and just happIer when I have a numb moment that allows a small bit of relief from the pain.
It is about 5:30 AM my local time on Saturday… I could not get back to sleep, and although my Labradoodle Dakota is in the bed next to me, I am really utterly alone.
You’re very early in the process, and the intensity of what you’re feeling will soften.
I am still quite a mess, and working through a crap ton of emotions and unfortunately I still can’t seem to get my emotional state under control however for all that, I do know that I have had progress and so to will you.
The up-and-down of the emotions is still one of the hardest things for me to understand.
Just when I think I’m having some progress, having a good day or a couple of days. I think: OK maybe somehow I’m going to be OK, sure, it’s going to suck and it’s like a part of me is gone, but people live without parts of them all the time..... that is when I will be hit with a wave of holy crap level emotions and I will question my progress and whether I can live like this…
I say this not to scare you or make you feel hopeless, my point is what you’re experiencing is the crap coaster we’re on.
Give yourself time, be kind to yourself, don’t let anyone else tell you how to do your grief or when to do any steps, do what helps you!
I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best possible path through this awful journey.
Take care,
Joe
I also understand that feeling of being with family but still feeling so lonely and lost. I also did want children , but was never blessed with any, so while I am happy that my nephew and his wife have found and seem to have what we all hope for..... a nice home, good kids, great jobs and a house full of relatives to share the holidays with.... (I do wind up teary eyed as I never really found that for myself. .... an empty house to go home to and absolutely noone to share it with ... except them for the moment is
very sad.
I look forward to the day that you may realize you are still young and have more time ahead of you. I believe everything happens for a reason. You have more in store for you. And while it is too soon now to get past the hurt of losing your wife, there will come a day when maybe you do forget yourself and smile over something for a minute. Then is when you will begin to heal .
Hugs,
Kim
Xxx