Everyone says that we will feel happiness and contentment again one day. But I am with you - I just want my hubby back to be with me. Most of your words could have come right out of my mouth. I guess we all have these feelings at least to some extent. I haven't been able to get back into our bed yet. That was our special time to talk things over, make jokes and just have fun being together.

Don't try to hide your feelings. It's ok to let your family and friends know you hurt.

Keep coming here where you have so many friends that do understand and you can vent or rant and rave all you want to. You don't have to pretend here.

Lots of hugs to you,
Barbara

It is just so hard to figure out and find what it is to rebuild living with....this life is so different that it feels as if it must be taking place on another planet...and yes, everyone else is off in their own life....and...we are....not....

I do hope that there will be contentment and happiness again in your life....

I do find it helpful to go to a Bereavement Support Group....the talking there helps.....Hospice runs them whether you have used Hospice or not....maybe that would be a place to be able to talk with people who understand.....

hugs....

I was just so sad for months. I am at 20 months now. I am not sure when I began to feel a little better, it was so gradual. I am still sad, but I now have times when I feel good, when I laugh and when I enjoy what I am doing. It is different for all of us, but very very slowly you will start to get some contentment back in your life. You cannot rush it, grief is a journey that is different for everyone,

I can relate to all you ahve said. It is SO HARD to try to find any semblance of "normal" sooo many times through this entire crazy road we are forced to walk down, and we MISS having that ONE person who was our everything. Our purpose, our reason for being. Our strenght, our patience, our LOVE.

I'm at 18 months today. there are times I feel strong, times I'm soo weak, times I am so confused, and times I can see clearly. Have i reached peace? sometimes i think I have, and sometimes...i still struggle. But i can tell you that YES, you do come to a kind of peace as time goes on...It takes TIME work and patience of which none of us really have being thrown into this the way we are.

one thing that helps me when I find I just can't understand anymore...I think of him being 'out there' somewhere, thinking of me the way I think of him when I am lonely. It helps me get over some of the rough parts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI

soemwhere out there....he's there, and thinking of you too. I belive that...And I believe it for YOU too...

HUGS of undersatnding, and hang in there.....you will get through this. We all will, and do..

Diane

OMG! Did you write that or did I? I must have been you. I am not so forthcoming... We keep trying to pretend we are not in so much pain with the people who care about us. We don't want to disturb or color their lives for the worse. They have enough issues to deal with. My sons are up to their necks with the wonderful life experiences of wives and children. They don't need a mom who is grieving when they are dealing with their own grief. That's why I am so thankful for friends to talk to and to work through the difficult days. I will not trouble my kids with my grief. I know they understand, but I will offer them encouragement in fulfilling their roles as husbands and fathers. I will step into my role as the blessed grandmother. (And I am blessed.) They don't need to know my difficult path. Hopefully they will never need to travel down this same path. My mother was a wonderful example of a godly widow and I never understood what it cost her. I know now why she did what she did and will also not bring my grief and needs to my kids. We understand where you're coming from. i believe we will feel happiness and contentment again, but it will never be the same. We must be willing to change. Peace to you tonight. Darleen

As I was reading your post I was thinking " did I write this ? " I feel exactly as you do I have three daughters all married and I have 5 grandchildren who all live within 5 minutes of me. I also have many other friends and family fairly close by
I am lucky to have them all but as you say they all have their own busy lives which makes me feel more sad and lonely that I no longer have that special person in my life
I have spent the last 40 years being the most important person in Bill,s life and now I am not that most important person in anybody,s life . I always feel like I am imposing on my daughters as I do not drive and there are times when I have to ask for their help
I have started to learn to get about on buses but you just get so sick of having to learn everything new, Our lives have changed beyond all recognition and it sucks.
I also get so tired of pretending I,m ok sometimes I just want to shout " no I am not ok " my whole reason for living has gone and the lonlieness is terrible
I truly hope that you find happiness and contentment sometime in the future
Hugs
Pat

Dear Mrs., It is so exuasting to put your game face on, and be strong!
How can you `be yourself` when that would totally scare your family? I have the same dilemma. Well meaning children with their families can`t handle lonely moms who break down in a puddle of grief that they can`t fathom.. But you can do that here! We will hold your hand on your long road to the new normal that will only come with time.
I am a long way to my new normal, and I can tell you honestly that I can feel content, and at times moments of great joy. Mainly all due to my precious g-babies! Please don`t give up on living, it certainly won`t be what you had, but I think it is all in the little things, sunsets, baby drool, and the love of family - that is my new normal, and I am not letting go! Sorry if this is long-winded and sappy, but it is what I feel. God bless you, and keep you... G-

Definitely relating to your words, here.

The only people who truly understand what we're going through are people who have gone through it themselves - US! I never understood, either, until it happened to me, did any of you all? It just is one of those things that no one can explain to someone who hasn't gone through it. I kept/keep telling people that this is the very worst thing I have EVER gone through, but I can see in their eyes or hear in their voices that my words miss their mark. I don't blame anyone for not understanding - because I was one of them once. I just cannot communicate the depth of pain to most people but, then, would I want to?

I'm at the point where I'm saying to God or whoever's listening, "Okay, I'm ready for this to be over - uncle, already!" But it does seem this will go on and on and on... I can say that after 5 1/2 months, I can actually see some faint hope. However, my skin is so thin that the least thing said or done plunges me back to the abyss.

And, yes, I would like to think that there may be someone else out there who will be my companion and witness my daily life, someday. But, at this point, I'm not seeing it.

So, I'm resigned to smiling for the rest of the World (since they are clueless), while I cry into my pillow at home; and waking up each morning, unnoticed. One day at a time...for how long?

Thank heaven you all are here...

Hugs,
Terry

We all want to be somebody to someone....our spouse was our someone. No one in the whole world put us first and foremost but them. When we lost them it is like we lost our somebody. It seemed like we were living in a world full of couples...people who still have their somebody and we were left rowing our own boat with one oar around and around and around in circles watching all those other boats go past us with two people...two oars...working together.

Now we sit here trying to figure out which side of the world is up and we find ourselves no longer "the somebody to someone." That's how it felt to me anyway for a long long long time.

Yeah..no one understands unless they are themselves going through it. Our children, friends, relatives..yeah..most of them have their own somebody special that "they" are the somebody for.

Two by two the world seems all having their own somebody and our somebody is now gone....

Even people who are getting divorced do not "get it" because at least...we are certain that they chose to be alone and to find another..more suited somebody.. we didn't get a choice and our spouse did not get a choice...life took them from us!!

So we are sure that there will never be another somebody for us...no other "perfect lid for our pot," because yes...our spouse was "our" perfect lid..how could there ever be another...and quite frankly we do not WANT another lid."

This was my experience for a very very long time. I am now at 3 years 4 months. This is not my experience now. So how do we rebuild and how "does" the sun shine once more?

We have to begin by treating ourselves like our somebody did. We have to start valueing ourselves the way that we need to be valued. We have to start knowing that we matter in this world and we have to treat our bodies like we matter. Then....then we can take one step at a time to move forward to a new tomorrow....It is only then that we can move forward.

So I hear your pain...it is so so hard!!! It get it. I also want you to know that you are the only you in this whole wide world and "YOU MATTER!" Now what can you do to show yourself that you matter to you? That is what it took of me to take steps forward one day at a time. That is what it takes.....

big hugs to you as you learn how precious you are...no matter if you have a lid...one or two oars...or not. ....
-Diana

It was helpful to read all of your posts this morning and to know that so many people feel the same way that I do. I am at 28 months today on this grief journey that I'm on. When you say "I do" you don't realize how life can be so hard as you watch your spouse grow weaker as the cancer takes over and then takes him away. Your life changes, your dreams are broken, and you aren't the same person you once were. Other people are really clueless to the depth of our loss. They try to be supportive and when they ask how you are doing you wonder which version (a brief reply, a longer more involved answer, or to tell them how you are really doing) to give them.

As a mom to my young adult children I feel that I need to be an example of faith and courage. They are also grieving and missing their dad so much. I want to be open and share with them though because I think it helps them in their life journey as we model how to deal with pain and difficult things in our lives. I am really lonely though and sometimes I just shake my head and feel sad about how things have turned out compared to how I thought it would be.

I rely on my faith a lot to help get me through. I've gone through a GriefShare group, attend a local hospice support group, and we formed a widow's group at our church. It helps to be able to share life with others especially people who really understand. I've tried to push myself to get out and be with people and find ways to do things for others. At the beginning you feel guilty being happy and laughing or finding joy in things because your spouse doesn't have that opportunity anymore.

I feel that God has a plan for my life and I want to do things that matter and make a difference. It can be hard and lonely though and I sure didn't think things would turn out this way. I think we can find a level of happiness and contentment as we put our focus on others and look for ways to be a blessing in the lives of people around us. It takes awhile to build ourselves up a bit as we move along our grief journey and there are many unexpected ups, downs, and curves in the road that affect how we are doing on a daily basis.

I should close and try to accomplish something today. The long drought has made it challenging to keep plants alive. I hope everyone has a good day.

I have come to believe that most people genuinely don't care. It certainly adds to the isolation and loneliness. Let's face it, that is the truth. If you can accept that, you will survive; you are strong. I wake up every day wondering what is the big plan. I am angry and I hate my life. I would gladly give it to someone who wants to live. I have been on this journey since December 2009. You know what? It has not gotten better, only worse. I try to keep myself busy until I am exhausted and I think of him ALL the time. No exaggeration. I have no one. Most of my time is spent alone. I guess by now, people think you are "over" it. I have no one to talk to about him. It is an unspoken subject and the loudest part of my life still. I have children. One is in another country and the other does not live near. I am grateful for them and love them, but I am full of emptiness everyday. I am feeling like I wasted so much time on people who I thought loved me thinking I was part of a family when all it comes down to is money and things when people die. That IS REALITY. I have seen that with 3 deaths in 1 year. Mother in law, husband and my mother. Even when they get everything plus more, it still isn't enough. If you have no support system, you are a misfit. I have no more confidence and feel lost most of the time. I am so tired and I physically feel like my heart is breaking. It hurts. I come here to relate to others. It helps, but I wish things were different for most of us, but some of us, it is so bad and it may never get better. I am convinced it won't for me but I keep doing it every day.

Going on three yrs in Dec.......seems more like 300.........and yet 3 days..............the ache is always there and though I can find moments to smile and laugh.........don't know if it ever really gets to my eyes, the way it used to...............hate the phrase, new normal because it is not normal for me to feel sad a lot of the time................agree that most are living their lifes, and it isn't that they don't care............I really believe they can never know the depth of your loss unless they have experienced the same..................I was guilty of that myself................found a group of gals (widows) who get together once a month........various ages............met with them once and hope it will be a lasting venture..........was an instant bond...........as I find with w/w that I meet anywhere...............hugs.Lori

You will feel a new contentment and happiness. And you will create it. It isn't something you can wake up tomorrow and accomplish. It is a graduall process that happens over time. You see, I lived in that tunnel you describe. Add hopeless to the feelings you describe also. I was without energy to even imagine I could be happy. But it did happen. Starting with being with friends doing what friends do. Then moving on to dinner, and finally finding someone who loves me and I love him. Finding him was a gift I couldn't imagine and wasn't searching for. But it was good and it still is. :+) Sharon

I think we will find a new type of happiness - whether we just adjust or find like they say a NEW Normal of our lives. Its just not all at once and in the time frame we wish. To me after 2 yrs I even feel like ok where is it? I do have better copeable days and weeks and life has gone on. perfect - like I totally wish - not yet....darn it anyway

The loneliness is the worst when you live in a rural country place like me its hard to find others to mingle with enough.
SO somewhere out there its there I have to believe...and will continue the fight for it...hugs

I really believe, that you can find contentment if you can re train yourself, and work at making yourself happy. It's one of those really hard things. I haven't gotten there yet.

But really, all you are doing, is finding things to distract you. If you can find a passion about anything, and work at that, it will make you more content.

I think what we miss the most, is having someone to care about and someone to love us. The day to day stuff. We have to learn to love ourselves and then decide what we really like to do. I know for me, it's always been, what we did, not me.

I'm trying to kick myself in the butt, and do some of the things I always wanted to try. Like drawing, taking an art class. I love to dance, and want to take some lessons again.

I guess we all, have to recreate ourselves, and that's the hardest part. Who we are, alone.

Good Luck and Hugs,
Paula