Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Living with new partner

tcw1964
tcw1964
After almost 26 yrs. of marriage, my husband passed away from sudden cardiac arrest (2 years ago). It happened 1 month after my mother died from a long term illness. I have 2 daughters, now ages 20 & 22, that suffer from mental illness, substance abuse, etc. Both daughters live about 90 miles away from me.

A little over 3 months after my husband died, I entered into a relationship with John who was a friend to my husband and I for over 12 years. I was the one that pursued John. If I had a do over, I would have waited longer, but what's done is done. John is a wonderful man, makes me laugh, and I love him dearly. I loved my husband with all my heart and we had a great marriage. I will never "get over" him, he will always be a part of me. John is not a replacement for my husband...there is no replacement.

My children do not live with me. My daughters are upset that I started dating John so soon after their dad died, understandibly. At present, John and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years, and we live together.

How do I tell my daughters and family that John and I are living together? I don't want to get anyone's approval or comments, I just don't want it to be a secret. I live in a vacation community, and expect that family will want to visit and stay in my home this summer (which I would like). I've thought of just sharing my news in an email, to try and keep it low key. Any thoughts??
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Do you typically stay in touch with yourn daughters by e-mail? If so, then do it by e-mail. If that is not your normal way of staying in touch, then use another method (whatever it is). You might say that summer will be here before you know it, and if they are thinking of visiting that they need to know that you cannot put them up. I am assuming that with their substance abuse problems, etc., you don't want them in your home anyway. Offer to help them find somewhere else to stay if they want to visit. And don't apologize to them under any circumstances.

I know you say you want them to stay with you, but I personally think that would not be a good idea.

Just my two cents.....

Love and Hugs,
Martha
matoacalady
matoacalady
Agree with Martha....if your daughters did not want to share Easter dinner, and I believe you posted that, then I would just send an e=mail because I would not want to deal with the verbal outcry.

This summer may not be the best time to entertain a lot of family.
dschwartz
dschwartz
In whatever way you choice to share your news, I would do it in a general announcement, written in a very positive, happy and uplifting way. This is your life and happiness at stake. It is not about others and their judgments. I always say, we can't give up our happiness for others . . they can't use it anyway. :)

Best wishes and keep us posted please! Hugs, D
matoacalady
matoacalady
What Dayna said.....((((smiles))))
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
Dayna hit it right on the spot. This is your life, live it. I also agree with Martha, no apologies.

Val
pj1952
pj1952
Hi tcw1964, I think it is great that you have someone in your life and who has the right to say what is too soon. I am at 32 months and am isolated and alone except for my furry son. I would give anything for some companionship, but no one is going to drop out of the sky and there is no one in my past that is going to come out of the woodwork. I have looked at online dating, but it is not for me. So good luck and congratulations on moving forward. pj1952
michaelbmanning
michaelbmanning
My comment here probably will not gain me any popularity but here goes. This man is not part of your daughters' family and if they chose not to interact with him, you should be understanding of that. If you wish to include your new partner in holiday dinners don't expect your daughters to come with open arms. This is a choice you have made of your own free will but it has caused the parent/child network to crumble. Don't force your choices upon your daughters if you wish to maintain a relationship with them.

Maggie
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
This is your life, not theirs. I began seeing someone about 3 years after my husband died. My adult children tried to be supporting, but I could tell they were struggling. We talked a great deal about how my love for their father didn't change, but he was gone and I had the right to be happy. That relationship was only a friendship, but it made it easier when I met my current husband.

Do you think their personal issues will effect their understanding? If so I would explain clearly that they choose how to live their life and you need the same privilege. Sharon
matoacalady
matoacalady
I don't believe we have to live our lives in order to assure our adult children will be happy with our choices.

Life is to damn short to spend it alone if you have someone who loves you and cares for you. My 2c's worth.
tcw1964
tcw1964
Thanks for all of you support. I DON'T expect my daughters to welcome my partner with open arms, but I will not tolerate their being rude to him either. My late husband and I went through hell with both of my daughters, and I have gone above and beyond to get them the help they need. My life with my partner gives me immense joy and happiness, and I won't allow anyone to taint that. I have been there for both of my daughters and I love them dearly, but it is not reciprocated. My relationship with my partner has not caused the parent/child relationship to crumble. My daughters have caused the relationship to crumble. I deserve happiness.
dschwartz
dschwartz
Amen Sister . . . you have the right attitude! We here don't know your full familial history with your girls, but from what I've gathered, you have gone above and beyond to be there for your children that are now adults. Now is time for YOU! No regrets, no apologies. Life is too short or too long to not be happy once again. Carpe Diem. xo, D
tcw1964
tcw1964
Thank you SOOOO MUCH! I draw such strength & wisdom from this support group!
matoacalady
matoacalady
Good for you.....now go and enjoy this new relationship no matter where it leads.

Lucky you being near the beach......sigh. :o)

See that, I smiled.....
jewells1
jewells1
If you want to see them send an invite stating that "You and John would love to have them over." If they balk, then send along a list of reasonably priced hotels close to you, and an invite for dinner..


Since there was a "crumble" even before John and they haven't come to visit in the last 18 months...that space may be nice for all.
jeanatds
jeanatds
Jewells hit it, space and I would add patience. I can empathize, my son was the same way. I think of him telling me I should stay alone, and visualize him spending the evening at the dinner table with his wife and kids, then playtime and bedtime and all that joy of raising your young children. He is young, doesn't yet understand the knocks to come, carries a load of anger and grief of his own for our loss, and he is entitled to all of that, to his perception and his responses to it. I would make the joint invite and be prepared to see them by yourself if they are not ready to cross that bridge.