I know the feeling, I do it too. No its not very healthy but we are human and we do human things.
Remember we can't change the past we can only make our future better. I don't think we will ever stop thinking about the past. I think it will gradually fade away in time. I have kept a journal of sorts since right before he passed, I still keep it up but don't have much to tell.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this practice. But how do you make your future better when you cannot envision a future anymore? I am starting to wonder if this is just grief or or am I now teetering into the abyss of depression? I have always been an optimistic person and I have had my trials and tribulations in my life but there was always that hope that my tomorrows would be better but I seem to have lost that.

One year is still new as far as I am concerned. I just hit 2 this week and I don't know when it will feel better. We are going to think about the past, it what we do. take it easy on yourself. It will get better but I can't say when.

Hugs,
JoAnn

I don't actually think that looking back on memories is living in the past. I do it all the time. This time last year we were xxxx or this time 2 years ago it was xxx and we did xxx. It's remembering the good times. I don't want that to fade away as my memories are precious and all I have left.

As for the future - I had a real slump last weekend and earlier in the week here all I old see was a lifetime of misery ahead and wanted to end it all as I don't want that. I couldn't see a future and panicked. It passed as I stopped thinking about the future and went back to day to day living as I seem to be blue to manage that. I am now much calmer - not happier - but calmer. I was always an optimistic person but now find I have very negative thoughts that drag me down. My counsellor said its like trying to climb out of a whirlpool and keep getting dragged back in but each time I'm a bit further out and one day will get out. Since talking to her I realised the future isn't set in stone for anyone - we think we need it all sorted but we don't as none of us know hats round the corner as we all have learnt the hard way.

Take care, think about getting by day to day and don't think too much about the future. The past is not be though as its your memories.

X

Thank you Joann And Kelly.
You are so right about not knowing what is around the corner Kelly. It has become such a painful lesson to me to learn that ther is not always tomorrow. I definitely do not want to stop remembering the past as my memories with Leonard are priceless but I think you are right about trying not to think about the future too much. Especially the thoughts of what I thought the future held for me before Leonard died. I think that is a big part of my problem, the loss of Leonard but also the loss of the dreams I had. Thank you again, both of you....sending best wishes for you.

I believe we "live in the past" because the past is the only thing that gives us a sense of stabilization, since our loss. The future seems like some nebulous something out there - way out there - that we cannot see. Where once we had plans and dreams, we now have ashes. I often have to remind myself that before my Darrell died, I could not have predicted exactly what my future would have been. Same thing, now that he's gone. I'm a different me - not better or improved - just different.

Dear Girl, by admitting that your Leonard is "GONE", you have already overcome one of the worst phases of grief: denial. Although it is a murderously tough road, you are well upon it. I hope that one of these days you will be able to see down that road into your future and realize that you have one - perhaps a fabulous one, at that! In the meantime, don't be afraid to look back. Memories are a GOOD thing, too.

Hugs,

Terry

It has been almost 8 months since my husband Scot passed away and I can't look at the future because it triggers overwhelming fear and sadness. I made a deal with myself that I would take one day at a time and try to find brief moments of happiness any way I can. It may be dinner with friends or just walking my dogs on the beach. The grief is always present, but I have faith that someday things will get better even though I cannot see that fight now.

It is natural to feel depressed considering you have gone through a life changing event. It may be situational depression, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to your physician about it.

I much prefer the past and I visit the past daily. I feel that all I have left of him is the love that we shared and memories. Right now I can think of new ones daily, and I dread the day when I can't remember any new ones, when that's all she wrote.

I don't care anymore if what comforts me is helpful or healthy so much as I am just relieved it got me through another day. I guess there is no manual for this and so long as it's not illegal or destructive, well why not?
Best wishes.

I started dwelling again on what is Burt then I read all of your messages and they helped! Thank you all again, you all are wonderful ladies. Wishing you all a better day.

I lost my life with my husband six years ago this summer and I remember having those feelings very clearly. I still cherrish the memories of our marriage and live together but the feeling I get looking back is greatfulness instead of loss now. Sure, special days like the anniversary of his death or holidays may or may not bring sadness of what was, but I live more in the moment than I ever thought possible.

I remember the hospice worker telling me to 'just be.' Had no idea what that meant. (be what?) But I now can just be.....me. Whether our future involves another person in the future is irrelevant. Just learn who you are now. Work toward being better you and enjoying that person you are. You know what I mean. Be that person he or she loved so much. You.

It's all sad because it has to be. It's loss of something wonderful. All I can say is that those awful sadnesses come less often over time and that's all we can hope for. I know, not a very cheery thought but any relief is welcome for the newly widowed. My grief support person said that I'd be happy again some day but I said, well maybe you but you didn't know my husband. And I meant it at the time. But, it was true, there was some happiness left for me, 3 years out when I met my new husband.

I think age is a big factor in determining how focused we are on the past. For me -- we were married almost 50 years -- there does not seem to be a future, only memories of the past. The most joy I get now is in remembering when we were together. I try to conjure up these memories at night when I go to sleep, when I am very depressed, and when, in between daily activities, I wonder about my continued existence. I work and do what I have to do in the present, and I am sort of frightened of the future. Only the past brings me warmth and comfort.

For those of you who are younger though, I hope there will be a fiuture, and a good one -- even though you can't see it now.

Best to all,
DorothyJoan

I can see how it seems like being younger would make it easier to hope for a brighter future and I wish I could feel that way but I actually see instead a possibly long time ahead of years feeling like life is incomplete. How fortunate you are to have had 50 years...I wish I had the chance to have had that much time with the one that I love. Wishing you the very best.

Right there with you. Hang on tight cause I certainly don't feel like this ride is going to stop. We are all hurting and we are all human. Big hugs to you.