Arlette...June 12 will be Marylou's first "Spiritual Birthday", the one year anniversary of the day she continued her life into the Spiritual Realm...I remember those early days well...all surviving spouses feel the "survivor's guilt", just like all soldiers who come home from combat feel that same survivor's guilt...when we feel that, a part of us is questioning God, or fate, or whatever design of the universe proscribed that they were the ones who were removed from this life, and not us,
You will notice I did not use the "d" word, because I do not believe in death. I learned that from 33 years with Marylou, who although Christian, was also close to her Lakota beliefs...they do not believe in death, or that the end of earth life is the end of existence...the Lakota believe that what we call "death" is nothing more than a continuation into the next phase of life, the Spiritual Realm, but life just the same...there is no "death".
That makes some people nervous, in particular, certain churches which claim that any earthly contact with the Spiritual Realm is dabbling in something evil or satanic...but I have learned in the 11 months since Marylou's Spiritual Rebirth how wrong they are...I have had so many Spirit Visits with Marylou, that we have actually created memories that we share SINCE her Spiritual Rebirth.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/21402147-fire-flies
Surviving spouses, especially in the first year, have a very distinct feeling that the fact we have survived is a form of punishment... letting go of the life we shared with then, which was taken from us in a single heartbeat, certainly feels line punishment...but it's really not...because aside from loving them so much that they have become the other half of us...we did nothing wrong.
"Survivor" is not a good word I don't think...because it implies that we are alive, and they are not.
Which couldn't be more wrong...they are very much alive...and they are always with us.
Please read anything by Patrick Mathews..especially his latest, "Everlasting Love."

Hi Arlette, I am a widow just over 3 years. I too have struggled with anger at my husband and God. My husband had an intuition he had cancer several years prior to diagnosis according to several conversations he had with a friend. He did not tell me or his doctor. He instead moved us across country many miles away from family and friends to a farm. I was isolated and very lonely. I ended up moving back to my family this past year which meant having to give up nearly every single possession. I definitely vented to him and God many times that first year. And yes I did suffer the survivors guilt. I always saw Don as the more worthwhile one of the two of us. I personally feel the world was a better place with him in it while I perhaps have not contributed as much. So why him and not me? Time has given me the ability to carry on. I no longer rant at his spirit nor do I hold on to the anger. In time you too will come to a place inside yourself that has some peace. You may make many changes in the coming years that you wished you did not have to make. I found the strength to push forward by drawing on the strength of the love I shared with Don. I pray for peace and comfort for you. I encourage you to visit DS often. This place has really helped me. -- Cheryl

Sorry to hear about your struggles Letty.

It is apparent that Tony was a very special man. You must be so proud of the work he did and his accomplishments.

I am not able to address your issues with being angry. I haven't been there, yet. I have brief moments where I ask "why?" They are very brief though- because I always answer myself with- "If you ask why about the heartbreak- then you must ask why you were given the joy of knowing this love in the first place." It is pointless. I never deserved the love he gave me and I never deserved to have him ripped from my life. I was blessed and I still am blessed- I could have lived my whole life without him. I am surrounded by people that never experienced the kind of love I received.

My faith has also kept me from feeling much anger. I am not a traditionalist in my beliefs- but I do very strongly believe that life on earth isn't the beginning of human existence- and it isn't the end. I am not sure what comes before or after- but I am sure that there is something. I trust that my higher power will allow me the honor of being with the loved ones I so miss.

This is an oversimplification, and forgive me if you find it offensive...

As a child, there was an amusement park that I loved to visit, called Fairyland Park. It is no Disney World, but it was close enough that my family could visit once or twice a year. The days at Fairyland Park, in my childish mind, were the best days. Better than Easter,
Independence Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day all rolled up in one. We would get there as the gates opened, and leave when the gates closed. I would be so tired when we left that I would actually ache. But, from the time I was 3-4, until my very last visit- around the age of 10- I threw one heck of a fit when we left. I didn't want to go. My parents would try to reason with me..."We will come again.." "The park is closing..." "You promised you wouldn't do this..." But I couldn't help myself.... I rallied against leaving the park with all the might that any single spoiled youngster could muster. My rallying didn't make any difference...of course. We had to leave. And as I grew older I began to understand that it wouldn't. But still... I felt so desperate for what I wanted that I had to try.

Let's suppose that my parents had the power and wealth to buy the park and just leave me to my own desires. If I had my way- I would never leave. There would have been no school, no balanced meals, no normal sleep patterns, no life experiences outside that park. That would have of made for a chaotic young life. I was too young to realize it then- but even joy must be tapered, for our own good.

There was always a promise that we would visit the park again. Maybe in a month- maybe in a year... But that always seemed so far away. (Remember how extraordinarily long a month was when you were six or seven?) I wanted my pleasure now!

And so it is now, with Bernie's death. I want my pleasure now! I want him back or I want to be with him... And tomorrow is not soon enough! Only now, if I rally someone, it won't be my earthly parents I will be rallying against- it will be my Heavenly Father.

And it seems- with this simple metaphor- that I have, so far, been able to quiet my anger. My Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture- one that I cannot fathom. One that requires Bernie and I to travel different paths for awhile. We will both be tending to our own tasks, learning what each of us needs to learn as individuals. Perhaps Bernie is preparing something for the two of us... Perhaps I am left here to do something I would not have chosen to do if he remained. I cannot know these things.... I can only know that I am promised that, like Fairyland Park, I will be visiting Bernie again. When that happens, I want him to be proud of the things I have done in his absence. I want him to be proud of how I turned to all the love and knowledge he gave me and made my small part of this world a better place. Oh- what a joyous day that will be!

Robyne

I love your metaphor Robyne, it is a beautiful and constructive way of building hope in the midst of your sorrow over the physical loss of Bernie, I view things from that perspective also, right now I am surviving on faith, hope and love.

That was beautiful Robyne.

Arlette, I am so sorry for your loss. I really never know what to say to others but I have found that when people say this to me I understand. It's been 3 1/2 years since my wife passed. In the beginning I was mad at God too. I didn't understand why. I still really don't. Having said that I am a believer and as others have said before, we don't know what's in store for us, we aren't meant to be I believe. I trust in God and look to him for strength. I know there is a plan and I have since been at peace with it. I do miss her dearly and talk to her everyday.

My profile is open if you want to read our story, but suffice it to say I'm now going through it all over again with my daughter in law. She is a cancer patient and is now on a ventilator and isn't expected to recover. Almost the exact situation as my wife. I am now understanding what PTSD is. Dawn was a teacher too and a really good one. It crushed her to have to quit for her cancer treatments. She touched a lot of lives as did your husband. They both left a lasting impression on those they taught and worked with. That's their legacy.

Take care of yourself, that's your job now.

Jeff

It is completely ok, that your husband is still your everything, and he will always be a part of your heart. I explain it like this, Its as if my heart is still for sean, but Ive grown another heart that allows me to love my friends, family, be able to do and experience new things, smile, laugh, and try to have some peaceful days. I have asked many times why, but have never been mad at good. I know it's about choices, and Im trying to choose to live, and be a part of life. May you have some peaceful days. Much love and hugs carla

Hey Arlette,
Everything you wrote we have all probably been there at one point. What your feeling and going thru is completely normal even though it feels so abnormal while going thru it.
At nine months I still am scared to continue on and face what I have left without my wife Linda. I will be 57 in June and never thought I would be faced with trying to figure out how to rebuild a life at this age. We were talking retirement down the line and the time we would have together. Now I will retire to an empty home with two puppies.
But I will rebuild somehow because it's what Lyn would have wanted for me. Someday when my race is over we will reunite again in some form of relationship. Until then I have turned it all over to God and asked Him for strength and guidance for whatever there is left for me to do. I live totally on faith and trust right now. But it didn't come over night. I had the screaming and yelling angrily at God and my wife for leaving too soon. But I had to ask, too soon for who?
Bu the one main thing I got from your post is that your husband had a profound impact on those around him. And it seems that his legacy will live on. It doesn't seem he will be easily forgotten by those who knew him. So in spirit he is with you all, living in the hearts of all. Please take care of yourself.
Peace, Tim

Arlette,

I know exactly how you're feeling right now, as I am feeling the exact same. I heard a song that was just perfect and downloaded it right away. I now listen to it on repeat sometimes. It's by Little Big Town and it's called "Lonely Enough." It kind of makes me feel not so abnormal. I'm still angry. I go back and forth. I have been told that I will get over this and heal. That the pain won't go away, but it'll get easier with time. I just can't imagine how that will ever happen. I can't let go. I'm with you sweetie. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through. We must be patient with ourselves.