First let me say Hello and welcome (though that sounds wrong) to our ever growing group of widowhood. If you look to your left and right you will see a widow or widower on this site. I have been here since January through chats with many (back when I could navigate the site) I made it through the hard months in my life. I am now almost 8 months since Meredith died and so much has happened that I sit stunned and clueless as to my experiences.

The kids and I made it though Kaitlyn's birthday, Mother's Day and Robbie's highschool graduation back in May. I have become a full time band mom I mean dad lol. Even chaparoned the Marching Streaks to Champaign IL yesterday to be apart of the Illini vs Tar Heals Half Time show. That was completely AWESOME!!!!!!!

Back in June the kids and I took a much needed vacation to St. Louis and just spent a week relaxing and enjoying each others company. When Meredith passed it took me and the kids some time to figure out our groove together. Three teenagers who answered to mom and dad was just the bread winner who came home 10 minutes prior to bed and was out the door shortly after they leave for school. There have been many tears shed by me for the loss and the lack of help they were providing. There have been many shed by them when my stress levels left me with only yelling, but at some point we started to click. House started to get cleaned I started getting off work earlier and we became a family again just one member short.

May is significant for other reasons also as it was when my Pastor gave me a letter Meredith gave him for me. He was supposed to give it to me when I looked like I had started to live my life and not stay home hiding. The first several months I went to work came home and avoide people. People had already decided to avoid me so no reason for me to put out the effort. I made it through the widows fog some time in late April or early May. By June I was back to being me with a few key changes in my life. During the process of coming out of the fog I was finding my way back to God and stopped running away.

I have sought permission from my local church and district to get my ministry license back which I walked away from several years ago when my dad died. My Pastor was very happy to hear this and only said it took me long enough lol. Apparently he had been praying that I would return from my darkness.

Speaking of my Pastor I bet you want to know about the letter lol Well it was a reminder that I promissed her to continue to live my life and that she was happy that I finally started. A couple weeks after the letter I found a friend that I could talk with mostly in text and sometimes in person. In June I was freaking out cause it seemed her interest was not to be just friends, so scared I asked her on a date. She also said about time lol what is this some conspiracy on everyone waiting on me?

The first date was June 4th down in Quincy where she lives. We talked each day in text or phone calls and still at this point have only had four dates due to distance and me. She wants to go a tad faster than I do. I asked that for the immediate future I want to continue to get to know her, and that if she wants more I need time. I still have a year of firsts to get through with my kids which overrides anything else in my life.

It took nearly a month after that for her final decision. We still texted daily but it seemed different. She is a Christian lady who admitted to me that we are on different levels (of which I knew already) she has been divorced for over 6 years and me well yeah not a divorce. I am not one looking for a physical relationship at this point, and casual dating learning a new friend in my life yes absolutley but that is all I can offer. well it is September now and we are still chatting texting and dating. She decided that I was not a normal guy and wants to learn more about me. We do a daily devotional over the phone each day because my personal belief is that what ever this is or will become must be grounded in Christ.

I am in no rush in my life but I am also happy with who and where I am right now. She lives a good 2 hours away so the space allows me to get the time that I want yet still have someone I can talk to, pray for and who prays for me.

Wow I shared a lot today lol um just know I am doing good, the kids and I are solid. God is changing our lives daily and while I dont post as much as I use to do, I do come and try to read at least once or twice a week to check up on everyone.

One of our devotionals hit so home with me that I want to share it with all of you.

Beloved, let this one sink in deeply;

if God allowed you to be thrown into a pit,

you weren’t picked on; you were picked out.

God entrusted that suffering to you because

He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up.”

I am doing my best to Live up to it.

Yor friend and brother on this journey in life,

John (Hfire76)