Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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Life expectancy

Truhal
Truhal
Years ago, my Mother told me that she prayed to God to never let her live with a disability. "If I can't take care of myself," she used to say, "Then I'm ready to go home to God." I was shocked when she told me this. I wanted her to live no matter what condition she was in. Now, it's my turn, only my prayer is slightly different. You see, I don't care how healthy I am, I don't want to live to be in my eighties. The reason? I suppose it's fear, but basically, I've seen my father change through the years. I've seen other's too. My Dad's in great physical health, but his fear of what is about to come in palpable. His memory is not what it used to be. And he feels vulnerable which causes him to constantly show his physical superiority. He's always looking for a challenge, too. Very argumentative and impossible to live with. This is a man who can still take care of himself. A man who just a few years ago was the picture of sucessful aging.

So I started thinking. I'm an only child. No sisters or brothers. I couldn't imagine myself being alone in my eighties. So I made the prayer, asking God to take me home before I reach that age. Of course I've added that I don't want to suffer, but I just know that I don't want to be here either.

How crazy is this? Another phase of the widow's journey?
Mgould
Mgould
My husband's only relative we're in contact with is 95 years old and works 6 days a week at the library. She drives herself, lives alone and is in charge of all the donated books. She also shelves books. She is smart as a tack, goes to an exercise class 3 days a week and belongs to a writers club. Last year she sent me the beginning of her memoir that she wrote in the writing group. She described having her diaper changed at the age of 2 and a detailed description of the furniture, etc. in the room. She has one daughter who she doesn't get along with too well and tries to avoid but has made many friends over the years who she often goes out with. So - ya never know.
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
I believe we ponder our own mortality more when we suffer a tragic loss in our lives. It's not crazy at all. It is your wishes for your life.

I agree with your mother. I don't want my quality of life compromised or to be a burden to others. As for being a disgruntled senior, I've often seen them out and about. I tell whomever I am with at the time that if I ever get like that when I'm their age, to put me in the pasture and pull the trigger.
deleted_user
deleted_user
A combination of Mike's suffering and my mother's Rheumatoid Arthritis pain has made me want to take better care of myself. Eating healthy and exercising is a challenge right now, but I have a strong yearning to make it happen, and I know I will when my mind isn't so cloudy. My goal is to find a gentle yoga class -- I just want to stretch and medidate my way into feeling better mentally and physically. The only thing I can control is being the best I can be to tackle my life head on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are not alone in not wanting to live past good mental and physical health no one wants to be a burden or suffer pain. I dont know how many times I have said similar wishes and as recently as this morning (bad day). Having said that I realize Im dealing with my own ego and that ego comes from a place of fears, regrets, and lack of purpose. Its hard to let that self-ego go and just rely Gods plan to take charge, His plan comes from love, thanksgiving and purpose. Dave
laurabp
laurabp
Yes, I have thought along the same lines as you, being discouraged at how some of my friends and relatives have aged, but also impressed by how others have continued to have a "quality" life well into their 80's and even 90's. I sat down once and tried to figure out how long most of my relatives lived, not counting a few who died early from accidents. Then I figured out that the average age of death in my family seems to be about 73. That works for me! As if I really have any choice in the matter.........Will just have to trust God on this one I guess. laurabp
limasc
limasc
I recently took a longevity test and since all 4 of my grandparents are in their 80's and are all still living and in excellent health, I should expect to live will into my 90's. How I am supposed to plan financially to live that long? And the worst, how will ever get through the next 60 years without my husband?
deleted_user
deleted_user
We are all forced to face our mortality after we lose a loved one. Since we are the ones dealing with the funerals etc we find ourselves wanting to make it easier on those we leave behind. I have expressed my wishes to my children. This seems perfectly normal to me. Do whatever makes you feel better.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Tru, I don't think you're crazy, but I understand the fear you're talking about. It's a big scary "what if that happens to me?" But you don't know that it will happen to you - you may bemore like Mgould's relative.

I think the thread "Life is to short to..." is the perfect companion to this one. Life is going to be whatever we make of it - whether we only have today or whether we have another 50 years.

I can't base anything on family history as far as life expectancy - one side lives well into their 90's with no major problems while the other side seems to die off in their 60's with a bunch of issues. I feel that pretty much says it's up to me until something definitively tells me otherwise.

I know I have to do the best I can with whatever time I've got, and a big chunk of that is taking care of myself.

I do understand the fear that future can hold. Maybe try to think more in terms of today??

Love and Hugs, Martha
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tru, I understand exactly what you mean. I'm an only child too and so is my son. There is hardly any family left and I don't want to be a burden to my son and his family. Didn't think as much about these things until my husband passed away. Guess we can't help it after the death of our spouses. Take care, Sandra
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