i think children hold there parents to a higher standard

You answered your own question when you said she is 14. She is becoming her own woman and the last thing she wants is to turn into you. Remember not wanting to be your mother?
If you can get some counselling now it would help. Teenager brains are pretty funky ..literally. They have done studies and I wouldnt want to be a teen again for anything. Do some reading and like I said some counselling if you can. And just love her to bits
Hugs,
Nancy

Hi, I'm so devastated by the loss of my husband, I can't imagine having to deal with a 14 yr old's feelings. Have you thought about family counseling? These issues won't just go away, perhaps professional help? God bless you; it's hard. Trici

Have you both been to counseling yet? She needs someone to talk with and you don't have the wherewithal to be that person all the time. It IS hard. You need someone else to give her a chance to talk out what she's going through.

The anger and criticism is part of the grieving process, as well as part of being a teenager. She has lost half the structure of her life, and that is a very scary thing to face at 14. And while you may feel that you are ready to make additional changes to your remaining half of the structure, it's pretty clear that your daughter is not ready for that. If you want her to be accepting of those changes, you are going to need to put in the work now - and that includes setting aside/scheduling time just for her, and helping her by getting some counseling for each of you, and possibly joint counseling.

What do you do together each day - other than argue I mean? Do you prepare your meals together? Do you watch tv or go for a walk together? Do you go out for lunch just the two of you every weekend? Do you invite other family over to visit often? These are the kinds of things I did with my sons to provide as much structure and routine and reassurance to them as possible after Cliff died.

You could also try making a memory book about your husband together. This could be part of how you reassure her while at the same time feeling like you've got a bit more control over when the discussions about Mike happen. Just a thought.

Can her brothers help in this situation at all?? I don't know who else you have for family that can lend support. I know my boys had a lot of discussions and worked through stuff between the two of them when I wasn't around.

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I hope some of these ideas may help you both.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

P.S. - The school psychologist and her school guidance counselor should be able to help, provide some counseling, and make her teaching team aware of her situation. Further support at school may help with the falling grades problem. Hugs...

It must be so difficult to have your world turned upside down at a very insecure time in your life--14. I have read on here that it is not uncommon for the children to express anger toward the surviving parent. Does anyone know the psychological reason behind that behavior? I wonder if a lot of it might not be fear--rejecting the other parent because of worry that something will happen to them also?

I wish you much love and patience and strength to work through this with your daughter to a peaceful resolution.

Cliffskat- I make time with her every day. And every weekend, I do something with her. Her oldest brother helps me. Yesterday, I asked him to take her out to give me a break. He advised me this morning that I am way off track. She is doing things that many teens do but I would not approve of. She is not doing it because of grief. She is doing it because it sucks being a teenager.
So, I was right when I said its hard raising a teen. I was wrong that it had anything to do with grief. It doesn't. It has to do with being insecure, beautiful, trying to figure life out and making teenager mistakes.
We have both had counseling. Hers was 2 visits. Mine more.
My experience with raising teens is that they lash out at any parent that is around. They don't want to be controlled. They can't make decisions yet. Hence, they lash out.
So, I would appreciate prayers. She is on a destructive path. I will do my best to get her on a better path. I will stop looking at grief and my expectations of her and start looking at her and where she is at and how she is living her life.
This isn't going to he easy. But it's going to be worth it.

Two visits was in all likelihood nowhere near enough time with a counselor. If she didn't like the first one, try another one. My sons' counseling transitioned through their grief into other areas, but also the grief would pop back up again and affect how they were coping with other aspects of their lives. I don't think it's an all-or-nothing situation as far as the grief goes. It will be there at the back of things long after you think they are 'over it.'

I will keep you both in my prayers. Please try to avoid thinking it is all one thing or the other - I believe this is one of those times when you will be dealing with a tangled knot of issues.

It's good you set aside the special time for her. Keep doing that and it should help you as you go forward with her. As botjh a teacher and a mom, you know that consistency and reliability carry a lot of weight with them. Hang in there!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Mel, my daughter treated me equally as bad when she was a teenager and she had her dad until she was 21. My husband is what held everything together. He allowed her to be a princess and ran interference between us often. Since he passed our relationship is basically over. She has moved out, no longer talks to me, and is on a complete downward spiral that I am not part of...again she is 21.

I am also a teacher for high school students. I am shocked at how many girls do not like their mothers or call their mothers names. These are girls that prior to hearing them speak of their mothers, I think "wow, I wish my daughter was like you..." I talk to them often about things my daughter has said to me or things she has done and they see that her actions are "ugly" but cannot see the same within themselves. I sometimes point out that I had heard them say similar things. Sometimes they get it, other times they don't. Many still make good choices because of the strong influence of their despised mothers, very strong family values and I'd like to think a caring teacher.

Your daughter may be having a grief reaction but like your son said, she is a teenager doing teenage things. Be firm with her. Make the rules and don't let her slip. If you have your son or another older "father" figure man for her to talk with, allow her to be a princess and some one who can gently give her your side of what she needs to do I think that would be a plus.

An older neighbor once told me when my children were toddlers that my boys would be easy throughout but I had to enjoy my daughter while she was young. One day at around 13 she would go upstairs to bed a little angel and come down in the morning as the wicked witch of the west and stay that way until she was almost 30...UGH! Prayers for you and her!!

Thank you. It is just getting worse but I think only because some of the ugly truth is coming out. Please pray for us. Earlier today she turned the tears on and turned them off just as fast. I'm very tired.
We had a very long talk. She told me that my dating is affecting her because she wants her mom and dad together forever. I understand that but I can't change that he died. She was bawling. Then she was invited to go get her nails done and it stopped that fast.
I don't have a husband to run interference. It was nice with my sons. But I don't have it now. New life.
I don't want to put that on my sons, really. They need to be her brothers. Picking on each other and hanging out together on birthdays and such.
I have an appt with my counselor this coming Tuesday and I'm going to offer it to her.

Your daughter behavior may typical to being a teenager. Your daughter may be reacting like this do to a fear that she may lose you. Fear is one of the hardest emotions to get through. Fear can turn to anxiety.
The reason that I say this is because she told you that your dating is affecting her because she wants her mom and dad together forever. The statement is saying a lot. She has not accepted her fathers death. She is not ready for you to be dating. She has just lost one parent and she does not want to lose another parent. Esp. to someone who is not her dad.
I think that you need to give to her time. Let her brothers be her to go people. Younger siblings learn from the older ones. She does need a strong male figure to go to when she starts to date or when she needs to discuss males. This is were the brothers help.
I also agree with more counseling.
Did you get through the toddler stages. Then you can get through this stage. The ages and stages of toddlers years are almost the same as teen years. They both run from parents, however they still want the parent there to help, they are going through one of the large growth span, their emotions are all over, and they do not know how to keep them under control, and they are trying to problem solve.
Be there for her, hug her, tell her every day that you love her, and then tell her again. Look at the positive that she does. Forget about the negatives. Children start to have negative behavior if they feel that is the only way that they can get attention. Turn her negative comment around to positive ones. Then tell her you love her.
I wish you luck, I had one easy teen and one not so easy.
You will wake up in six years and wonder when did the 14 yr. old turn into being more of 20yr old friend.

May the Lord give you strength! Those teenage years are rough whether your with your spouse or not. Being a widow makes it harder.

My daughter would criticize me down in her teenage years. I tolerated for a long time. Analytically, she criticized me, to make herself feel good. Possibly be better than me.

The one day I just could take it any more. I commanded her to sit and I let it all out how much she is hurting me. I explained what I could, and allowed her to express her side. The conversation didn't end peacefully, but it was a start. I made it a point afterwards to try to hold conversations with her. Eventually the phase stopped. She is now full grown and we do have a relationship.

I do agree with Cliffskat. Some of your daughter's anger might be coming from the death, which she is lashing out at you . Counseling might be a good idea. She can vent out there.

Mel I am so sorry this is a hard road. I know you understand that Mike is gone. I agree with MillerB though on your daughters perception. What your son said also was "running interference" since he doesn't want you to have any more pain. He minimized it. which BTW, never helps with emotions. Boys are different they are taught by society and peers, to buck up and not let their tender side show. She is a she.
I know that adult company and dates are the way you see as going on with your life, but you are a package when it comes to this. She is just taking longer to move than you. The more you pull the more she will pull in the opposite direction. Part of that is the teen thing, but part is what she told you, she is not ready yet.
I really wish there was an easy answer, but I can't think of one. It will take time and work. Teens are great at transferring feelings to actions, if she feels abandoned...she may go find "acceptance" somewhere else, before she is ready....her argument will be "But you did". I am sorry that sounds harsh, but it's probably mild compared to how that could go. In my head I'm hearing "grandma", that's where acceptance at her age leads to sometimes. You wouldn't be the youngest grandma either at your age.
I pray that this works out, the counseling for both of you is still needed, so if you can find groups or a school councilor to augment yours, it may add to opening the lines of communication. Also help her see you as a person, not just one of two parents.

My daughter is grown, but my niece and nephew both were young and at home when my brother passed. John and I did a lot to just be there for his wife and the kids. The niece was 13 when my brother passed, but the oldest. Girls at teen also have that whole hormonal thing going on too, so yep, tears and anger one minute, poof! gone the next.
My heart and prayers of strength for you.

Jewells

Mel, my girls range from 33, 31,30, 25 and twin boys 15!!! My four older ones are out on their own. Which leaves me home with two teenage boys. Go me!!! When my girls were growing up, even though my husband worked many hours they always knew they had their dad. My boys were 13 at the time their dad passed away, so even though he was here for a majority of there upbringing the worst years, the teenage years he is not. I do agree that part of what you are growing through with your daughter is her being a teenager, because I go through the same with my boys, but I also feel that grief plays a larger role in our lives when it comes to raising our children without our spouse. I have found that my boys are just like me, when going through the emotions of this journey. They have had there moments of anger and they have taken it out on me. Just as I have had mine and have taken it out on them. But in saying this at least I was able to admit it to them. Whereas, they were not. I am the one who had to confront them and tell them I know they are angry because Dad is not here, but that is nobody's fault. And blaming each other is only going to make our lives miserable. As far as school went I have instructed each of their teachers and I have friends that are teachers at their school that help look out for them. I have told them what I expect and what their dad would expect of them if he were here. Being a parent in this journey is ultimately heartbreaking. Because children may be resilient, but they also grieve. Even though I know my boys still hide a lot of their emotions from me. They do have their sisters to go to if need be or other friends if I see problems they are unable to work out and I know they will not come to me about their dad. Because they feel in their own mind they don't want to hurt me more than I already hurt. What I do is I talk to either my girls or one of boys friends dad and let them know that the boys are having some issues and they may need to talk. And what happens is they are able to let out their feelings to someone other than me. And it does help them. I to work in the school system, so I see children daily and know the many problems they have. I will also add this "when I was a young girl, my mom and step dad divorced and I was truly heartbroken. But I had my mom to myself with my two brothers for a long while. Then she started to go on dates, and I was crushed. I felt like someone was invading my space with my mom". I know that a divorce has nothing to do with death, but I do know a divorce can feel like death. I have been through a divorce so I know that feeling.

It has been 16 months since Richard died, and I have not had a friend relationship or dating relationship, so I do not know how ANY of my children would react to that one. I have definitely thought about what their reaction would be, but not sure what the outcome would be. I am at the point in this journey that I am finding me, and yes it is very hard to do when you have teens to raise, but I also have to remember that if Richard was here I would still have teens to raise. If that makes sense. Grant you I would have him here with me, and that's what makes all this so hard. Because at least with our spouses here we could escape, or have someone to have our back. Now all we have is ourselves. Sorry for the book, but just wanted you to know I can relate. Sending you lots of prayers and guidance as you travel this path of your journey!!! God Bless Susan

I'm so sorry that life is getting harder for you and your daughter. I also have a teen daughter so I can understand that her life is not easy at all. After my husband was murder; our lives changed. I felt lost yet at the same time I understood the importance that my actions and behavior could affect my two kids. In the myths of all the grief I was in, I made a decision of making sure that my kids felt loved, safe but most of all understood. On the second day after his death we began our family therapy; first session were together and the rest individually. We attend on a weekly basis and thus far it has been 9 months. Then two months later we all joined a support group that enables adults and children interact and share mutual emotions. Seeking support for us was vital, I needed to address the situation and think about the possibilities if I didn't seek help.

As a teacher, I understand the consequences that a child suffers when a parent addresses their needs before the child. Therefore, I make sure that I address my kids needs before mine. My relationship with my kids is better than ever. We have grown closer than ever and I don't see them argue instead they talk and compromise. Before my husband death they were the same but know I can see my 15 year daughter more mature, responsible and supportive. She talks and plays with her 9 year old brother and even helps out with his homework. They do have anger inside but we all have learned to incorporate coping skills which relive us from anger and hurting our self and others with words or actions.

It seems that your daughter is having a hard time accepting your new life style. You must keep in mind that our kids are a reflection of who we are. And just as we model in our class for our students we must incorporate the same principles to our kids at home. I do apologize for my word choice but it will be unfortunate to know that your daughter seeks outside comfort that will hurt her in the long run.

I was once told my a wise widow that "right know is not about you, it's about your little ones. First you must be a good mother and see that your kids are okay before you think about your needs" I'm glad I was given that advise otherwise I would not accomplish what my husband and I want our kids to become; well rounded individuals.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.