Hello friend and welcome... There is no time table when it comes to letting go of our husbands things.. I lost George in March of '09 to cancer. Its been 4 months and I've packed away his clothes, though I did not give them away.. I put away our wedding stuff because it was too hard to look at. I do have pictures of us around our house a few -- not much. His garage was his place and I still have all his tools and I think of all the projects he was working on - he too was great at building or figuring out how to build things-these things I will not let go of .. When I use his tools, I feel like its a part of him.. You'll know when its time, don't rush yourself and don't let anyone else rush you either. Peace & Hugs Kim

I agree with Kim - but then I am a hoarder too. i am going to turn Richard's shirts and jeans into quilts for my gilrs when they are away from home. I am going to learn how to use his tools and in some cases find out what they are for.and so finish those projects he didn't have the time to finish.
However you must do what feels right for you
Love and hugs
Margaret

Ya know I have to say a lot of people were in my life when Dan died. They all had their opinions and gave advise and some took charge and i regret that somethings went out of my life way to fast and i don't know where nd how or why. His clothes and other things I would have done different slowly and more sensitively. He was a gifted craftsman and I have kept his tools and he was an artist so I kept that and I have discovered that by whatever action I am nore like him ow then I ever was. I even like pickles and I hated them before...I dont' know why it just happened. I even like some of the music he liked I didn't it is sorta weird...maaybe it helps me keep him alive I dont' know. You just take your time and do what ever makes you feel good! and believe me I know how hard that is I didnt' have my own feelings and I haven't come through to the other side yet but when I do that should be the time to deal with change of this nature. peace and Love Jane

Shit, I recently (2 weeks ago to be exact) emptied out my husband's closet. I put them in my car to donate. I have 6 black trash bags in my car, no room for people. Now I think it will take me another 6 months to take them to the donation center. It is the hardest thing to do for me, as if I am throwing pieces of him. They are material things but i can't seem to let go of them. I kept a lot his clothes, but now I am thinking of keeping all of it. I don't know it is just hard. :(

I agree there is no timetable.

I sort of divided things into several categories a while back..

1. those things I knew I didn't want and had no emotional attachment - for me these were things like clothes

2. those things I wasn't sure about - lots of books

3. those things I knew I wanted to keep

I then got rid of 1. quickly.

2. I mulled over and alot has now moved to category 1.

Those in 3. I started to gather together so they couldn't be accidentally lost.

Two years later I'm still working on it. The "pile" in category 2. was initially very large but it's got gradually smaller over time.

I'd always caution others to take your time over this if you can. There is no harm in putting things away out of your sight if it is upsetting and then working over it over a period of time. No harm if you are not sure just putting it back until you are sure.

Ive recently passed the one year mark and still have most of Rod's stuff, just as it was. A couple of exceptions are his mobility scooter and the scooter store - I had to let them go, they were items which would be appreciated by another disabled person and the longer I kept hold of them the more they would have deteriorated. Yes it hurt to see the empty space on the patio but to use a line from a DS friend - All letting go is healing and all healing is letting go.
The most important advice I can give is don't rush, take as long as you need and you will know when you're ready to let things go.
Hugs, Angela

It's difficult deciding what to keep and what to find a new home for. My husband died on Good Friday of this year from cancer, and one of the first things I had to do was to move his clothing out of our walk-in closet and put them across the hall in the spare room closet because they were simply too painful to look at. Then I started on the dresser...again, they went across the hall. (They're still across the hall) The next thing was his big ugly blue recliner that he spent so much time in his last year. I couldn't sit in the living room with it there, so we moved it to the family room and now I can sit in the living room. My youngest son is still at home, and he loves having the recliner in the family room because that's where he spends a lot of his time. And then there're the tools....lots and lots and lots of tools that I'll have to call one of his friends to help me identify and sell. I'm slowly sorting through things...some days I feel like it and sometimes I don't. I don't think there's any time limit on it, or that you should have to wait if you don't want to. Do it when YOU feel it's the right time. Hugs, Judy

I got rid of Cliff's clothes 6 weeks after he died - donated to charity - he would have wanted that as no one else in the family could use them (he was a big guy) - and he was the sort of person that would give you the shirt off his back. Personal effects - his watch, jewelry, and other small items I put in a special box - out of sight but saved for my sons in case they want them. I have been clearing odds and ends for almost two years. I'm now planning a move overseas so I am getting rid of just about everything. After the passage of time, some things still have an emotional resonance and some things don't. What has helped me the most was something my elder son said when I asked him which of dad's things he wanted, as by tradition as eldest son he had first choice. He thought for a long moment and said, "Nothing; Dad wasn't about 'stuff' - that's not how I think of him." I have repeated the question to both my sons over these past 20 months, and I still get the same responses from both of them.

I would caution anyone going through this to take your time if you can. A year is not unreasonable under these circumstances. I do think, however, that you do have to start letting go of the 'stuff' at some point or moving forward becomes an impossibility and you can be mired in your grief forever. That's not living. And it's not what they would have wanted for us. I'm not talking about special heirlooms or whatever. At some point you accept the fact they are not coming back, and leaving everything exactly as it was when they were there no longer makes sense. It's painful, incredibly painful, but it's another step on the road to healing. Love and Hugs, Martha

I agree with everyone - you have your own timetable for grief, and need to do what works for you. My husband was not good with tools; it was his books - hundreds of them - that I had to decide what to do with. They were the last thing I got rid of, and that was about 4 months after he died. It was hard because I knew how much the books meant to him, but they were just not the type of books I enjoyed, so it was a good thing to pass them on. I did keep all the gift books that he gave to me over the years, however. They are precious, as are the cards he gave me for the holidays, etc. I did my sorting of his things in stages, about 2 weeks apart, and I cried over every sorting. This is so difficult for all of us. We all know the pain. Please don't feel guilty about this - keeping all his stuff has nothing to do with how much you love him; it's about moving forward. Hope this gets easier for you.

Hi,
Well after five months, I still have most of Rich's things still in tact. It just makes me smile when I see his stuff. I don't get upset by it at all, it's comforting for me.
I couldn't care less how long anything takes me and if it is forever, that's my own business. You do what feels best for you!!
Love & Hugs, Mo

Thanks to you all for sharing. We actually talked about what to do with things before he left....and his reply was "Well dear, your going to be very busy getting rid of my stuff". Some days it's just to overwhelming....time will help in the long run.
I appreciate all your suggestions.
1 day at a time,
Katie

I agree with Angela that letting go can be healing. I'm at just over a year, and I remember, at about 2 months, putting a pile of his clothes on the bed in the second bedroom, with the intention of giving them to Goodwill - and there they sat, for months. I gave a lot of his x large t shirts to my rapidly growing pregnant employee; she loved them, and it made me happy to see her wear them. What has amazed me is that he didn't have much stuff. Being a truck driver for 20 years, and "living out of suitcase" as he put it, he didn't leave much behind. But over the past year, I've been purging stuff -ONLY when i feel like it. I gave back the cane that was lent to us the day after he died. That I couldn't bear to look at. It's not a matter of time, it's doing it when you feel you're ready; there's no hurry. This is very emotional, and it takes strength. One day at a time, indeed! Hugs, Marsha

Hello: I agree with the theory of waiting for at least one year before making any major decisions. I'm glad I waited. Its been 15 months since Bill has been gone and it's been nice to have his tank tops to sleep in now that the weather is in the 90s. Except for giving up his clothes that don't fit me or our son, I haven't changed a thing since he has been gone. All that we have accumulated together is a part of him and I love having it all around me.

I am so glad to read this because I am having a difficult time with going through and getting rid of things. Part of it is emotional and the other part is just being overwhelmed. I did get rid of alot of his clothing but I am having a couple quilts made (bereavement quilts) for his two biological grandchildren. Whatever isn't being used will be donated. That's as far as I have gotten in seven months. No one would believe the amount of tools my husband owned plus various other equipment. I had decided not to do anything for now, I am going to wait until I'm feeling stronger and able to make good decisions.

Wow these responses are very interesting indeed. I gave a few things that were larger to a cousin that helped me go through some of my Robert's items that were in the bedroom closet about 3 weeks after Robert passed. I couldn't open that side of the closet because I would feel so sad everytime I saw his clothes. Some things I kept.. couldn't part with them. Some things I gave to the Goodwill.The rest which he had a lot of clothes I bagged up for his only living brother to go through when he comes up.All of the suits a dress shirts I kept for his brother along sith his tools. The majority of the tools will go to his brother who is a contractor. I know he would want his brother to have the tools especially the electrial ones. I will keep the hammer and drill. I won't know what to do with anything else.