Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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rw18 12/27/2013

Since Matt passed away I have been trying to put on a brave face for people, I act like I'm okay and I rarely break down in front of people. I find its easier that way, if I get upset in front of my parents or the rest of my family then they get upset which just makes me worse, same with my friends. its when I'm alone I let it all out.

On christmas day all my family came round, it was a really nice day and there were a few moments I wanted to just burst into tears but I managed to hold it back. Later on in the night we had the music channel on, Matts song came on and everytime I hear it I panic, I just can't listen to it still without sobbing so I jumped up reached for the remote and turned it over. At the time my nan,brother, cousins and my uncles partner were in the room, My brother and cousins know exactly why I was turning it off but my uncles girlfriend was asking why I'd turned off and I said I just can't listen to it. i did get a bit upset and she gave me a hug and told me to stop holding it all back, she said its killing my family seeing me like this coz they know deep down its killing me, she said she knew I was holding back because I didnt want to upset them and that is one of the reasons why. I don't know if trying to act okay is making me worse but then I know crying all the time in front of them won't help me either. I don't want to see my family upset but then I know me acting like this isn't helping either, I just really don't know what to do. Do I keep up the brave face act or just let it out? I'm so confused.

Darlene-Newman 12/27/2013

After Nick died I read a couple of book that helped me. "Life After Loss" and "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies". I found the guidance in these books to be helpful.
Being honest with others and yourself about your feelings and hurts can be beneficial. These people love you and want to help. They don't know what to do if you aren't honest with them.
It is hard to cry in front of others. It can be very helpful, however. Many times the person you let see your true emotions really just want to hug you while you cry.
Most important is to be kind to yourself.
Many hugs to you and a wish for healing and peace to come to you.

Rainycreek 12/27/2013

I got two grief books for Christmas from my BFF and this morning I had this thought, - I love books, I don't want another grief book though, maybe I can exchange them. Then I read a beautiful inscription in one of them so that nixed the returning them plot. So I started to read it. It's excellent and I learned some things like the difference between grief and mourning. But the takeaway I am sharing with you, is to mourn honestly, authentically, and don't be affected by our society's "stiff upper lip" carry on, get over it" pressures because it will keep you from healing or at least hinder your progress. There was a time in my life when I would have been mortified to be seen crying in public. I'm over that, when tears come I shed them and now I move through those waves much quicker than when I tried to suck it up. I am at the store, but later when I am home with the book, I will share a couple things that I found helpful. Hang in there. ((()))

cliffskat 12/27/2013

The reality is you have to do both. There are some circumstances where it is not okay or appropriate to cry. There are other places and circumstances where it is the healthiest approach to take. You do need the release, but at the same time you have to keep your life going.

A grief group and counseling would probably be helpful for you. I used counseling as a safe place to scream and cry. I had a responsible job and I had my sons to worry about - I couldn't keep falling apart all the time. People were counting on me. At the same time, I had to get it out or I would have exploded. Counseling and journaling - both here at DS electronically and in a paper journal - helped me enormously. After a time, I was able to hold it together most of the day but allowed myself to cry as much as I needed to privately at the end of my day.

Finding the right balance isn't easy, and there is some trial-and-error about it. I hope you can find what works for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Comfortablynumb 12/27/2013

I understand your dilemma... At the beginning , I was compartmentalizing and kept professional life separate from my personal agony, I learned to plan my time alone when I could really feel and allowed myself to express the pain anyway I felt right.
At the same time I kept the strong self with people at work.
I think the best way is to have a safe and planned time to release all the emotions and let it out, in a place like a group of grievers, in a therapist office, or at home when nobody is around.
I really felt the need to be myself and unburden my heart from suppressed scream, and I was screaming, sobbing till it was I was exhausted.
I hope you will find you way to do safely, and fully, without hiding your pain all the time.
Hug

jewells1 12/27/2013

I probably got the most support over the spring of this year when I didn't hold back. I was at my sister in laws Birthday party...a simple remark about the hubs being up there^ having a blast! sent me into quiet tears, then the dam broke. It was then , like your uncles girlfriend that they came towards me taking turns as i cried. At first still fighting it but as more came forward ...Niagra falls would have been an understatement.
They told me they had been waiting for me to give in for 13 months. So after about 45 mins I was cried out for that day. Then I could actually laugh as they told stories of the brother and uncle now having John to razz up there. All in good fun of coarse. Since then I have made more progress than before in finding my new path. I think because that wall came down. It was exhausting to hold it up all the time.
So let it out while they are there to comfort you. It will sweep the eggshells off the floor and let the elephant out the door.

Afterwards the air was lighter, because they too were withholding, not knowing where my head was at.

We are always here for you too, you are not alone or misunderstood here.

Heavy rough hugs, so no one will know if you are crying or groaning.
Jewells.

gerald222 12/28/2013

I agree with Martha finding the balance is huge. Also what Jewells said sometimes letting it out is the icebreaker needed. The reality is tears are a very very necessary part of the healing process and actually are a sign of strength not weakness. You are grieving, tears are part of it. God bless. Gerald

tlsom 12/29/2013

There are places like work where we have to put on the I'm ok mask But just about everywhere else I think it is best to not hold back. Holding back adds stress to your body and we have enough stress with our losses. I try to not cry at every thing now. I try to have some control on it but I also know when I simply cannot keep it in. Be true to yourself and do what you need to. Hugs to you..

onebrokenheart 12/29/2013

I understand what your talking about. I agree with others that we do need to cry and that allows others to comfort us. However with my family when I cry they go into a panic. All of a sudden they think I might kill myself, which is not happening. I end up having to reassure them! For days I get frequent phone calls checking on me. One day I went to the grocery store, I did not let anyone in my family know. I had forgot my cell phone. I was gone only 3 hours and they were calling the sheriffs department! I ended up having to reassure them again and putting my foot down on giving me some privacy, when & how often to call. It was a strain. So, I don't cry with my family if I can help it. I have several good friends I can cry with and I have gone to several bereavement classes where it was safe to express myself.

4weeds 12/29/2013

New to group. My husband of 47 yrs died 11/23. I haven't cried in front of anyone. I can't identify why. I have been a professional care giver my whole life and have learned to compartmentalize. Just typing this makes me weep.
My biggest problem is not sleeping a whole night!

jewells1 12/29/2013

One brokenheart...be glad for those calls, many of mine have stopped.

deleted_user 12/29/2013

Just after my husband died I did not cry. My sister and BIL and one of husband's sisters (he has 4 surviving sisters) were in the room with me when he died. I felt that I could not cry because I did not want people to see this side of me. I stay in the room with for a while with him but still no tears.
As I was walking down the hall of the hospital another SIL came to me and told me to let it go it was okay. I remember crying in her arms for a long time. Once I was give the okay I felt more comfortable showing my feelings.
I was not sure about attending Christmas with my ILs this year. I can see the hurt in their eyes when I walk in the room with out their brother. My counselor told me to call them and ask them how they feel about me attending. So I did, one of the SIL told me that they wanted me to attend - yes it is hard to see me without their brother but it would be harder if neither of us came. She told me that when I come there will be tears and that will be okay.
I think that you need to let it out.

limasc 12/31/2013

I learned to let it out when I was comfortable. I have always been very strong and there are few people I feel comfortable seeing me not be strong. With those very few, I took the chance to bear it all, with others I held strong until I was alone. Grieve however you feel is right and what you are comfortable with.

missmyhero 12/31/2013

yes...

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