You need a different therapist. This one doesn't sound like they are experienced dealing with grief/bereavement issues. There is no shame in getting a different therapist; it is not unusual to not click with the first one you try.

Being told by her to 'fake it til you make it' is so unhelpful, I am a bit flabbergasted a therapist would do that.

The left-right therapy is EMDR therapy, which is controversial, and used for trauma victims, particularly for sexual abuse/historical child sexual abuse victims. Some people claim it is useful in those types of situations, but I honestly don't think it is what you need. Yes, we are definitely traumatized by our spouses' deaths,and have PTSD type problems, but EMDR is an extreme therapy. It can do as much damage as the original trauma. I had a friend who went through it, and the damage was terrible. It's is supposed to release the trauma and retrain your brain. I don't believe your situation calls for that. I would be suspicious of a therapist would try to do that for grief counseling. It sends up all kinds of red flags for me. I think there are other ways for you to handle it and heal.

I had counseling after Cliff died. It was that private place to scream and cry I needed. I had seen my therapist before for other issues (I have autistic kids and had a lot of work stress), so we knew each other before I called her to get grief counseling. I saw her through my Employee Assistance Program for free, which helped.

Get a different one, preferably one with some bereavement experience. You might also try asking your doctor or hospice for a referral or recommendation.

Journaling may help to release a lot of what you are experiencing. I journaled both here electronically and in a paper journal. The paper journal was essential for dealing with stress at work, the idiotic insensitive things people said or did. I would journal on my lunch hours on paper, journal here at DS in the evenings, and that alongside the therapy helped.

I walked on my coffee breaks at work. Just a 5-10 minute walk around the block would de-stress me. It helped deal with work stress and the combination of havoc it plays with grief stress. It also meant I got a little exercise, which helped my sleeping problems. You might try walking on your breaks.

I also read a very good book called "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It was like having a gentle guide to help me work through stuff. It was not cold and clinical like some grief books I had tried, and I highly recommend this book to anyone. It made a huge difference in my healing. Your public library may have it, and I know you can get it from Amazon.

One thing that helped me was to allow myself grieving time every evening. If I thought I was going to lose it at work, I would just tell myself to save it for later, and then give full vent to whatever I was feeling during my grieving time. It gave me some control back over it, which in a weird way, I needed. I hated breaking down in tears at my desk or having to run to the ladies room whenver the grief bursts hit, so having a way of staving it off until I could let it all out helped. During my grieving time every night I would also tell Cliff anything I felt I needed to say to him. Yes, it was a one-sided conversation, but when you've been used to talking to them for years, you find yourself feeling like you're going to burst sometimes for all the things inside you want to say to them.

Anyway, these things helped me, and I hope they help you, too.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Echoing Martha here. Find a different therapist. I tried to fake it and ended up almost totally collapsing from the stress of the effort. Horribly ineffective and bad advise. I found a local hospice bereavement group. The wonderful woman who ran it was also a young widow. She just got it and with help from my group I worked through a lot of my issues and learned how to cope with my new reality. You need to find someone who clicks with you, who gets your experience. This is not that therapist that you saw.

Be kind to yourself, and take the space you need to grieve. If others are uncomfortable, excuse my bluntness, tough shit. Also I took up running. It was a great help in releasing the grief. Sounds strange but crying and running really helped.

In the end, unfortunately, it just takes time to process the whole situation. After a while the bad traumatic images fade into the background and the good happy images come to the forefront again. Still at first, this is just dreadfully painful and difficult. I feel in the end what we truly need is a safe space to grieve and support to rebuild, I found that in group therapy for bereavement, and I hope you can find it too. Post here and let us know how things are going. We get it.

Hugs,
Val

I certainly can't add anything to the good and sound advice already posted. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your struggle. My SIL and mother both had serious health problems and I can hear your comment so clearly on what the body will do to itself. And I concur, get a different therapist.
Hugs,
Jean

Kimmy, I have to concur with Martha on this... I've looked at left-right therapy from a policy perspective, but have no experience with it in practice. It is a bit controversial, and I do agree with Martha that I don't think it's what you need. I think a therapist with more training and/or experience in helping patients through bereavement is called for here.
The "fake it to make it" principle has been around for a while - my own psychiatrist and I have discussed it quite a bit - he's in favour of "compartimentalizing". In other words, you 'fake' during those times where you need to continue to function (at work, for example) but, you find healthy ways to release - in therapy, through exercise, journaling, etc.
There's so many things I've done in the past two years; therapy, journaling, exercise, talking endlessly to understanding friends, self-education through reading, mindful meditation, etc. It all helped a bit in its own way.
I read "Seven Choices" at Martha's recommendation - excellent book. I'm re-reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" - it is also helping. The writings by Dr. Alan Wolfelt were really helpful to me as well. You might want to check out his website - centerforloss.com. Also Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - "On Grief and Grieving" - I found it helpful, though some take her 'stages' to mean there's a natural progression to grieving - mine were up/down/all around...
Above all, ensure you are taking care of yourself physically - eating well, sleeping well, getting activity incorporated into your day, etc. I found self-pampering helped - regular massages, good haircuts, pedicures. And I buy myself flowers every two weeks - just grocery store bouquets, but they make me happy!
Take care,
xo Jac.

The "fake it until you make it" advice is ridiculous. I am with the others who say find different therapist.

I agree with Martha that walking helps. I walked a lot last summer and it really made me feel better. I actually wore out the bottoms of a very good pair of shoes because I put so many miles on them. When the awful weather hit and I could not walk... I definitely noticed a difference.

Thank you very much for all of your advice. This therapist was recommended thru our EAP program and this was my first meeting with her. I obviously am not going back but I am not sure that I can compartmentalize either. People in public and at work tend to avoid me or the subject and I sometimes have my breakdowns where I just want to shut my door at work for a little while and be by myself but that is against policy unless you are on phone call or in a meeting. I think that I went back to work a little too early and the added pressure of having to move so quickly just overwhelms me. It seems like everyday there is a new struggle between insurance or purchasing this home or his family. I just think that I am more than at the breaking point and it took me multiple times to call and ask for help and this is what I got. She went on to tell me that if I didn't do the one service she offered that she didn't think she would be able to be that much help to me.

Of course a new therapist is in order. We tried to have hospice come before Ryan died so he could talk to someone and they pushed the "god has a plan" approach too much for us. Not that either of us does or didn't believe in God it just wasn't a big part of who we were.

I was a very social person and I would like to get back to that point but even with family and friends I am still "faking" it and like it was said before it is exhausting. I physically feel the stress and anxiety building in my body and I always feel like my immune system is not what it should be.

I guess I am just disappointed because I was really looking forward to this really helping me and it was a big bust.

If there is a hospice in your area, I will say my meetings with them was valuable. I wasn't told the "God has a plan" line and don't believe that anyone wants to hear that after the devastation we are in. Very inappropriate in my opinion.

Seek advice on counseling from your primary caregiver, and be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of love and patience. You may be right about returning to work too soon. I returned to work and then sought counseling and was given more time off. If you have the financial ability, it's a good option. Hugs, Sharon

I have a little different spin on things. I am not familiar with that particular therapy so I wont comment there. I 100% agree to switch therapists if you dont have what you consider a good therapeutic relationship with them. The fake it till you make it line my therapist actually told me also. She meant nothing bad by it. The reality is we are in such relentless emotional pain in the early stages of grief we do wear a mask or fake it for the benefit of others. But while I was faking it with the world I was actively dealing with my grief by being part of a support group and yes saying what I needed to say to my counselor. As I worked my way through the grief which was incredibly painful the faking became less and less necessary as I learned to carry the sadness. Still need to fake it once in awhile but we ultimately find a inner strength we didnt know we had. My counselor and I have a very supportive relationship but I also had a bad first experience with another counselor before I find what worked for me. You will know when you have found the right one. You should leave a session feeling a little more empowered. Thats my experience. All the best to you.

I don't think any of us like the words "fake it", it just conjures up so much negativity. None of us like the word "fake".

I put on a "show" for most people at work, some family and the general public. I smile, I respond to questions and keep a friendly, upbeat sort of demeanor.

I'd like to scream and beat my fists against a wall but it's not acceptable behavior so, I put on a show by smiling and acting positive. Such a lie!

I'm hopeful that the day will come when I feel truly happy again! I believe that with interacting with others we can find our "center" again.

Roz

Kimmy, you need to go back to your EAP coordinator and ask for a different referral. Let them know your experience was a bad one with this therapist. Your company may not know what caliber of therapist you are being sent off to. Generally, there are at least a few on an approved list. Most companies/organizations have a few, especially since often men and women don't necessarily work well with the same ones, and some companies have other unique needs (language issues, age issues, whatever).

If that doesn't work, talk to hospice again as suggested, and your doctor.

It shouldn't be so difficult, and I am sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it seems like even the things we are trying to deal with just wind up with more obstacles and challenges. But please try again.

I tried going back to work too soon. I had used up all my leave before Cliff died, and only got a week bereavement leave. It definitely wasn't enough. After falling apart several times, leave was donated for me so that I could take additional time off and grieve and help my boys through it. It was still incredibly hard. Somehow I made it through it, and you will, too.

Big Hugs,
Martha

I've never heard of the therapy, but I would get a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with.

I saw the physical decline of both my mother and husband before they transitioned. I hardly think of them that way. Instead, my mind seems fixed on a point in which they were healthy. I consider it a blessing from God.