I am very sorry..kudos on getting the tree down, and learning how to do so many of these things he used to take care of..

I know, speaking as a man, I probably did similar things to my wife, but it wasnt about "her role" - It was always done out of love (and a little bit of wanting to "be tough and strong for her, like a man is supposed to be" )

I always wanted to just take care of her and make sure she didnt have to do those manual chores like that..I suppose i would have left her at a disadvantage as well

One "secret" though i will share..We guys dont know any better than you, especially when we start figuring that kind of stuff out..we are just trying to impress you most of the time..sure..sometimes we took shop class..or got to do that stuff as kids...but mostly we just want to look cool for our wives.. You are doing fine I bet, i know its got to be overwhelming.. I think you can go to Home Depot, or Lowes and they often give talks/courses on common household repairs..might be helpful...maybe/maybe not?

I certainly identify with this. While I did a lot of stuff (the paperwork, social life, cooking, ironing, housework, speaking up in public, etc) there was a whole lot that he was really good at and enjoyed and I left to him - anything to do with technology or IT, anything that involved careful handwork, anything that involved physical strength, anything that involved motors or power.
I'm not handy or physically adept so now I pay for people to do the physical chores and the handyman stuff. My stepson helps with the computer stuff and I'm forcing myself to learn quite a lot. I don't feel that I have to learn everything though.
I too wish I'd learnt a lot more when I had the chance. I guess I thought he'd always be around - or more precisely, I really just didn't think.

Taking that tree down worried many of us. That said, way to go girl!!! As for being taken care of. Just my opinion, but I think our upbringing may have a lot to do with that. I had three brothers, no sisters. Growing up I was deligated all the "normal" tasks, Cooking, laundry, dusting, dishes etc. I hated it. The boys fed the dog and took out the garbage and mowed and shoveled. I would have traded places in a heart beat. As we got older, if you cooked, you didn't have to do dishes. Yay! To this day I hate housework. My husband grew up in a family of eight. His dad worked a full time job and had his own band, so none of the three boys really were mister fix it's. As my husband's health deteriorated he was less capable of doing much physically. I was fine with that. He loved to collect cookbooks and always wanted to make gormet meals. Well now I have a ton of cook books he never got to use and I have no one to cook for. I do know that if you can read, there is nothing you can't teach yourself to do. I taught myself how to sew. I tore down and replaced our deck. I put in a brick patio. Put down wood laminate flooring and was working on tearing out the floor in the kitchen and replacing with ceramic tile when his health took such a turn for the worse. I am still sitting with boxes of dishes etc. in my living room, my fridge in the dining room and the stove in the garage. And I intend to do this by myself if I can just get some sleep and out of this frump. Yes I do need help with some of the heavy stuff cuz even though my mind thinks I can do something in a set time, my body says no way in hell. I guess in the long run, regardless of who did what, we were a team, and now half of that team is gone. And much of the undone stuff feels pointless because he is not here to enjoy with me. Hugs and Love to all, Michele

It was a steep learning curve for me. Amy ran her own business so subsequently took care of all the finances. Hell I probably only wrote 2 checks in 20 years. Now that she is gone I am amazed at everything thing she used to do. I did a lot of the cooking but now cleaning, laundry, taking care of the animals, plants etc. makes me realize what a super woman she was. She was happy to do all these things and when I attempted to help she would snap at me and say she had it and tell me to go sit and then would bring me a beer. No one took care of me like she did and she never complained. I did a lot for her as well but i wish I would of done a lot more looking back. ~Pete

It was out of love that your husband did that. Like dcheramie said they want to take care of us. My husband did some of those same things. I too am lost. I get so mad at myself for not learning more or watching him more. I did ask some questions but not nearly enough. I don't think we could have ever learned all the things we need to know now. We never think about being in this situation. Hind sight is 20/20 as they say. You are doing great even though you feel over whelmed. Give yourself lots of credit.

Well, here is the thing. You become a team. And teams have specialists. I massively underemployed myself for the last five years of my marriage. My husband was doing tremendously well, and we had old ailing people to take care of, my family had a business that needed work, etc.... Since he was the brilliant legal mind, I quit practicing and ran my household, my parents to various doctors, appointments, handled their affairs and worked at the family business. I was busy and it was worthwhile; but I would have been in a better position if I had kept my practice. It left me scrambling when he died. And yet I don't regret it, just is what it is. I cursed that first year, and then like Michelle says, you can learn to do anything. Fix the toilet, check, mow the lawn, check, shovel the walkway, check... And eventually, you end up being pretty proud of yourself. Because you become a jack of all trades and learn what you are capable of.

I also think the men do these things because they want to show how they love us. For J.R. that was in providing, for Pat it is fixing the garage door, building a ramp, and generally being able to fix anything. Human nature I guess. Kudos on the tree!

Val

As a man, I have to agree with everything said here. Husband and wife become one - a team unlike any other. And when we lose our spouse, we lose a part of ourselves. And yes, men like to think they are taking care of their wives (even if they could really do a better job at most of it). From the time we married, I was the financial provider. In 30 years, Juanita worked outside the home for only 7 at a part-time job - more for her social outing than about the money. Even when we had slim or next to nothing years, she did not work. God always provided. But the home and our personal finances, that was her domain. I learned that early in our marriage, and stopped sharing my "suggestions". She took care of it all at home (old school), and our split of responsibilities is a direct result of both our upbringings. We both were raised in homes that did it the same way - unpopular today (and 30 years ago), but it worked for us. So when Juanita died, I was literally lost. I too had no idea what our finances were - for 30 years I just gave her my checks and she took care of it all. Fortunately, I had to care for her in last months, so she was able to coach me in how to clean the bathrooms, mop the floor, do the dishes, vacuum, etc. Dang though, she never taught me how to iron! But in all our years, she never mowed the lawns or did any heavy work, put gas in the cars, took out the trash. We delegated. And all she did allowed me to focus on my career(s) for the us. Now without her, my job seems empty and I am struggling to find meaning. Because the real motivation behind my jobs was providing for her (not me, but her). And now, I realize how hard she worked at home and all that she really did. So yes, part of the team is gone. But it was our choice how we delegated our life together. And it was such a good life for both of us. It was all about making each other happy. ~ Scott

Some of the responses actually made me tear-up. My Morey was the "heavy lifter!" He made sure that we ALWAYS had a home to live in, food on our table, clothes on our back and cars in our driveway.

I will always be grateful to him for taking care of me and our children. We were a partnership. Our marriage was a well oiled conglomerate.

Now I'm Chevron/Mobil/Macy's and Marriott without the CEO of our company. Like you, I'm doing it all by myself. Oh! Sure! The kids, family and friends want to help but who wants invaders in my company?

We were very private about our finances and it worked for us. I hope, in Morey's good name, to keep it all going, by myself.

Sure I make mistakes; I buy too much food, I over pay on an account or I forget to pay another........as you said, the learning curve is mighty steep......but, I'm a tough woman and I'm up for the challenge......sometimes I cry my way through it, yell at Morey [when I know no one's there] but damn, I'm going to do it!!!

Roz

That's right Roz! Nail on head . . we are "strong and capable" women! (and men)! We learn and we can accomplish the seemingly impossible. Due to finances (lack thereof), I was forced to learn to take over J's chores . . . the pool, the riding mower, etc. I remember sitting on that damn mower for hours reading over the book (thankfully he kept), crying, ranting and pulling my hair out. But I finally "got it" and not only did I get it, I learned to love it!! I called it my peace on wheels. Same with the pool . . . learned to backwash, learned to be able to look at the water and know what it needed without a chem test. I repaired the stovetop microwave, I learned how to change fuses . . on and on. The point is with every challenge I tackled, my strength and belief in self grew stronger! This too shall happen with you my friend. We are capable and we are stronger than we think!! So sorry you are faced with the circumstance . . just remember it's 10% circumstance and 90% attitude! Hugs to all, D

It is overwhelming, I understand. We had a very large lot and one of those zero radius mowers. My husband would do a couple passes, 'warm it up' and then turn it over to me. The first time on my own I ran out of gas. No big deal of course but at the time I was so ashamed. Neighbors seeing the unmanned mower clear at the other end and my car no where in sight, not hard to figure it out. You're going to be okay at this stuff, hang in there.