I have such a hard time remembering anything of importance back then. Those last days..... I was even writing things down but not enough. I think I am just very forgetful or I was so numb I didn't know what was happening. I just didn't believe he was dying.
I may have some things blocked, I just wish I could remember more.

On my wife's last day we were returning from a short trip out of town. It had gone very well and she had enjoyed it immensely despite the cancer looming over her. She was nauseous in the car but that had been normal for some time. We got home and she walked in and lay down. I would go in and check on her and ask if I could get her anything but she didn't have much to say. Within a couple hours she was agitated and disoriented--her body was beginning to shut down. It was over about 6 hours later. It happened so fast. What did we talk about on the trip home? While she was lying in bed at home? Did she have any idea she would soon be in Heaven? Did she understand when I told her how much I loved her...how much I needed her? I know I was there every minute...but I too wish I could remember more.

And like you, Paul, I talk to her every day.

I too wish I'd written things down. Dan was so sick for so long. There were many stretches where he could not speak because he was on the vent. Later he was trached but still had a hard time speaking and all the hard core antibiotics took his hearing. earing. However he was very clear when he begged me to "help him". He said he was in agonizing pain and he wanted to die. We heard him tell his son, "I'm sorry I have to say good-bye." The last thing he said to me was, "I love you Rae." We took him off all life support per his wishes, except the ventilator, and he was gone in minutes. I agonize over how he suffered and for so long. Watching his heart rate drop lower and lower until he flat-lined was heart-breaking. But I KNOW how privileged and fortunate we were to get to say goodbye. I am very grateful for that.

I feel very fortunate to know what the final words were from Marlyse. "Love You" She always insisted that we ended our night and especially on phone conversations with those two words. Writing this now I'm breaking down crying, but have to smile & think of her and remember. She died very unexpectedly while I was out of town. I too really struggle to remember our last conversation, not having a clue that it could be our last.

I also talk to her every day.

Last words... Darrell had been intubated for 11 days until they did a trach. After 2 days or so, he was able to speak, only once, saying, "Something's wrong." I assured him there was nothing for him to be concerned about - what a lie! - and that he should just rest. He knew what was going on but I was in denial and never did give him permission to just let go. He struggled and struggled and I know it was for me. That's what breaks my heart. I just didn't want him to let go because I couldn't let go. So, even as he was dying, he was the strong one.

I, too, talk to my Darrell every day. It gives me comfort, as he always did when he was alive.

Hugs,
Terry

Cliff woke me with his last gasps - I thought he was choking - it was a heart attack, his first, last, and only, and he died in moments. There was no warning. Our last words were probably just our usual 'goodnights' the previous night. It is often that way.

The last words are really not that important. What is important is the life you led together. No human being can live 24/7 being the perfect attentive mate. It is in the small things that we express our love - the million-and-one ways we show we care.

Cliff and I kissed hello and goodbye everytime we met or parted, even if it was for 15 minutes while one of us went to the store. It wasn't a big deal. We told each other 'I love you' or simply 'love you' - the same shorthand way most couples do - and we called each other pet names and all the rest of it. So did it matter what was said on that last night before he died? No, I don't think it does.

This is part of the guilt stage of grieving - wondering did we do enough? were we loving enough? did we make all the right decisions? did we fail our loved ones? did they know we loved them? It all plugs back into guilt, and we beat ourselves up with it.

Don't make yourself hurt more with useless guilt. I am sure your spouses knew you loved them, and if there is something after this life, then they sure as heck know now! I have often wondered if Cliff cried from heaven to see how much I cried for him. Perhaps that is another definition of hell. I don't know....

Paul, I am sorry you have been feeling this way. I am sure your wife knew you loved her, and I know one of the things I missed were the ordinary things - the little comforts we gave each other. Those things seem small, but actually they are larger than we realize at the time. For instance, one of the things I miss the most is the way Cliff brought me my coffee in bed every morning. He did that even when things were bad between us! So don't feel bad about promising her the grapes she wanted - it was another way of saying "I love you and care about you."

I hope today is a better day for you. Hang in there.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

My husband past away from cancer, we knew this was coming for 2 and half yrs. During his last 3 days he was in the nursing home I work at. On his last day I could tell it was getting close, he was in no pain but distracted by something. He was calm but a friend said it was like the angels or being surrounded by lost loved ones. Anyway I kept telling him I loved him and kissing his forehead. That it is ok to go. At one point he said "I can't" I ask why? And he says because of me. I told him it's ok, I will be ok. Even though I knew I wouldn't be he needed to hear this, he was so tired and weak.I told him it was ok to go again. He said " You are trying to trick me" I said no, you are tired. And he says I will soon.
I left at 6 pm to go be with our daughter and they called at 8 pm to say he passed. I was so angry that I wanted to be there, why didn't I stay? Didn't want him to go alone. Some say he waited till I left and he wasn't alone.
Now I am still trying to figure out how to go on without him.

Pieper,
don't feel bad because he left while you were gone. My husband had cancer too. He died at home with the family and hospice here with him.
The last week we knew it was going to be soon. He slowly went from being awake to slipping into coma like sleep. His caretakers told us they did not think he would wake again. I was told he might not want to pass in front of me either. That he would choose who he wanted to be with when he passed. So when I left his bedside to tell him I was leaving and when I would return. I did this each time.
On the last day he begin that horrible loud breathing. We had all told him it was ok for him to go, because we loved him and wanted him to have peace & no more pain. It was agonizing listening to him. For all of us. Me & my son were sitting by his bed. My daughter & grandson were sitting on the couch in the same room, just across the room. I stood and told my son to stay with his Dad. Then I kissed Don and told him I was going to walk over & see Eli, our grandson for a moment and then I would be back. I had not sit down for a couple of minutes when I noticed that Don's breathing had quitend and I could not hear the rasping. I looked up I thought I saw Don closeing his eyes and my son was leaning over his Dad with his had on his chest saying It's ok Dad. It's ok Dad. I jumped up and ran over and Don was gone. He was at peace. His face was so relaxed. My son said that Don had opened his eyes and looked up at him. He looked like he wanted to say something to my son. His eyes were perfectly norman and Clint said that Don looked peaceful and not afraid. At first I was shocked and was upset that I had left the bedside then I remembered what they had told me. He chose my son because he needed to show Clint everything was ok and as a final goodby. My son took great peace from this.
So your husband probally chose his time too. His nurse said that is the last thing he can do for you.
I don't really remember our last words. His last words were just random things. He was not real clear by this time. Once he asked me If we had changed rooms? He asked my sister in law, Was he driving? I offered him a sip of water to swallow a pill & he said quite angry "Don't we have anything cold in this house to drink!" Boy that got our attention. We all jumped around trying to get him a cold drink. His brother & cousin were sitting around talking about when they all were teenagers and how Don had a cool car & Don beating him up for doing something to the car. I looked at Don and he was smiling. So he was listening to them.
My last words to Don. It was probally, do you want anything else to drink. Are you in pain? Are you warm enough? Can I get you something? Try & rest. I love you.