I wouldn't worry about being a hermit. Sounds like you just need time or you're an introvert. All my life I've avoided social functions. Put me in a crowd and I'm going to spend hours hearing the same question: "Why are you so quiet."

I'm a typical introvert who enjoys spending time alone, reading books, or just thinking. Since introverts are a small portion of society, we're often compared to hermits. We're not. We just value that alone time more than the extroverts of the world.

Take it easy. When you're ready to get out there you will.

I am at 18 months and have given myself permission to live in a bubble or withdraw from the world somewhat for a year.. I use the time to heal, self reflect, develop new skills, pray and pray some more, and treasure a few special relationships with family and even a special friend here at DS. Some people need to throw themselves in the loop while other people need to step out the loop when grieving. There is no right or wrong. You are totally right grief changes who we are. Wishing you peace. Gerry

Sara,

I'm with the others: if you have chosen/are choosing to take this time of grief to be alone, then please do so. If you need permission, I'll step up to the plate and give it to you: "Sara, you have my permission to grieve in whatever way you choose. If that way is to spend time away from the rest of the World, then so be it."

Grief is exhausting, draining and personal. The most important way to help ourselves through it is by practicing self-care. Take all the time you need. You must find "you" before you can do anything for "them."

I agree with the surprise engagement party for your future daughter-in-law. What were these people thinking?! I'm very proud of you, though. You understand how horrific this young lady's grief is from the loss of her mother and that the last thing she would want to do at this time is "celebrate" anything. Good for you for empathizing with her!

Hugs,

Terry

If you are happy where you are, doing what you want to do, don't worry about the social stuff! Takes all kinds of people to make the world spin! Do what is right for you. Blessings always. Sharon k.

Dear Sara,

I feel your pain. You don't have to apologize for being blunt. I am going thru the same thing. I used to be a church goer, loved going to parties, going out and enjoying life. But ever since my precious wife left me none of those things hold any value anymore because what made those things so enjoyable was the intimacy of those moments that I shared with my Lisa. I still want to do those things, but instead I find myself sitting home alone on a Saturday night. And you know what? I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think you did the right thing by skipping the engagement party. I have gone to social functions lately and I just end up feeling hurt because NO ONE understands. We shouldn't force ourselves into situations to try to force our lives to be normal again. I think that we, as widows and widowers, need to be alone to give our hearts time to heal. I know you will get past this and I know I will get past this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Just remember to breathe in and breathe out. Wake up each morning and put your two feet on the ground. Come here for a couple hugs. I hope this post might give you even the smallest amount of peace. Hang in there! You can do it! My prayers are with you. -B

Thank you so much. It is a relief to hear this is normal. I guess I'm just too worried about finding some kind of familiar experience similar to what I was used to. I know in my heart it's not going to happen, but it is surprising to find the things I used to do so unimportant now.

Sara,
From my own experience the things that used to be important no longer are as well. Life becomes a fight for your own survival, rediscovering who YOU are without that other person. I have been on this journey for almost 3 years now and everyday still continues to be a fight. I have to give myself permission to feel the way I feel and not put too much effort and energy into the things or feelings I SHOULD be doing or having. Just be. Just breathe.

I remember something Marsha posted a long time ago, something a widowed friend of hers said which rang true and still rings true for me:

"I am not the same woman that married him, and I am not the same woman that buried him."

Sometimes well-meaning people really blunder when they are dealing with us. My church group tried to put me on a couple of committees, thinking I suppose that I needed to "keep busy" when in actuality I had my role doubled because I had become the single parent to two disabled sons and had more than enough on my plate already. I definitely leant the power and necessity of saying "NO." They weren't thinking, were they?

Your poor future daughter-in-law. I can't help but think how utterly clueless they were to spring a surprise celebration on her. I don't think you were projecting your grief - far from it! You are one of the few people in her circle that would understand how painful it is and must be for her. There will be no "mother of the bride" at her upcoming wedding -- that alone would have sent me into a tailspin! It is one of those things we look forward to in life, and it has been taken away from her so unexpectedly and brutally.

I don't blame you for not going to that party, I skipped anything I couldn't cope with and that included wedding showers. I sent my best wishes and presents where appropriate, but it wasn't something I felt I could do, and I am an extrovert. Sometimes you just have to back off these things. The functions I did attend, I usually made sure I had a way to leave if I needed to.

I hope that in the midst of so much grief that you and your soon to be new daughter-in-law will be able to bond and help each other. I had the good fortune of having a wonderful MIL, whose kindness and support I will never forget. We lost her years ago to breast cancer, and to this day I miss her. In many ways, she understood me more than my own mother did. Perhaps you two will be a comfort to each other; it does help to have someone who understands, as we here at DS have shown so many times.

As far as getting past this, for me I had to revisit some of the things I did before I knew Cliff as well as try a few new things out before I could find my way back to feeling like participating in the world again. I even listened to "oldies" instead of music we listened to together because the latter was too painful. I guess I had to think outside the box a bit to reclaim what was left of me to build on. What you are feeling is entirely normal and understandable.

I hope things get easier for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I have only been a widow for 7 weeks and 3 days and it is devastating for me and my family. I think of my husband all the time, and there is a part of me that has been torn away. We were married for 32 years and had plans of enjoying our retirement years after raising and educating 3 children now adults. I don't enjoy family gatherings, they make me cry and don't enjoy going out anywhere. They say time will heal the wounds and so I pray every day for strength to go on without him. I pray the same for you, that God will bring you comfort in your time of need.

I understand exactly how you feel. I am so lonely even with the children around all the time, yet I find myself having no desire to associate sometimes. I do go to church and I have to engage and do things I would rather not as I have my four children depending on me to find a new normal for them. In my heart I know if not for them I would be lost, utterly just lost. I empathize with you on such a deep level. You are feeling things that are not out of the norm at all. Take care of yourself do what comforts you. I pray as you go through this you have comfort and love from friends and family.
Cindy