Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This will probably be a rambling and self-pitying post. I just got back from an appointment in town to help my 95 year old father-in-law set up a memorial for his middle son, who died in April. His youngest son, my husband James, died very suddenly at age 57 on Dec. 16, 2010. I was not able to revive him from a heart attack.
Since James' death, a family cousin who lived in the other half of my father-in-law's house , died on the day of James' memorial. Several friends have have died, my next door neighbor and running buddy died of melanoma, my sister has been taking treatment for breast cancer, and I have changed jobs, having been unable to keep up full time employment and help my father-in-law, who, among other things, fell on ice and lay for 45 minutes in the street, was hospitalized for pneumonia and who now lives alone in an enormous steamboat gothic house in a drug infested area of our town. For better or worse, his house will be foreclosed on on Friday of this week. I have offered for him to live here, but he wants to remain in his house and hopes the bank will allow a couple to buy it who have said he can continue living there.
I am sad for him and for me.. I feel life has become an endless series of funerals and memorial services. I have gotten counseling and attended greif and support groups. I work two days a week in a profession I have enjoyed for 40 years. I have good relationships with my stepchildren and grandchildren, I go to the gym and work out regularly, eat well, maintain a healthy weight and pray often. i have several hobby/ social groups that I attend and participate in regularly: sacred harp singing, beekeeping, 12 step meetings and I volunteer for Salvation Army kids' camps as well as volunteer teach at the senior center.
I feel as though I am doing all I can to recover and maintain through this long difficult season of greif. I still miss my husband night and day, and I mildly resent him for having died and gotten out of all this mess.
I have noticed lately how negative and critical I have become. I know I need to put the brakes on this before I alienate what friends are left. As all of you know, they just don't want to hear about it. I really don't blame them either.
I am grateful for many things in my lfe, but I still feel I need more. This is probably a selfish attitude, but I am so depressed. I get tired of dressing well, doing the "right" things, trying to show up for others and still feeling like absolute crap. Oh, and as long as I'm bitching, please note that I have absolutely no self confidence either. I feel like my life is one big play act; a play act that I'm fairly good at, but enpty and meaningless. I really would rather prefer to be dead, but I feel that i need to finish my business here, caring for my father-in-law as much as he'll let me and being there for my sister and of course, our animals. I'd really like to run away to another planet.
I'm sorry to be so long and so whiney, but at our first teacher's meeting this year all the teachers introduced themselves and told about their summer vacations with their husbands and I wanted to explode. I didn't, of course. I sat there with a courteous smile and look of interest. I need a miracle. i don't even know what form that miracle would take - just something to take me out of myself, to restore hope and some sense of meaning to my life.
I have no sense that anything will ever change except to get worse and that God is really very mad at me. I feel he is putting the screws to me to discipline me. Outwardly I'm doing okay, inwardly, I'm failing completely. Oh, I forgot to say, one faithful friend who used to help me a lot with my thinking, has gone into the later stages of dementia in the past 6 months.
I usually try to write in a way that may, I hope, be of help and encouragement to someone else, but I am fresh out of positive thoughts. This is the only community I know of that has realy understood. I'm sorry if I've made anyone more depressed that they already were, but I needed to get this out. Thank you.
Since James' death, a family cousin who lived in the other half of my father-in-law's house , died on the day of James' memorial. Several friends have have died, my next door neighbor and running buddy died of melanoma, my sister has been taking treatment for breast cancer, and I have changed jobs, having been unable to keep up full time employment and help my father-in-law, who, among other things, fell on ice and lay for 45 minutes in the street, was hospitalized for pneumonia and who now lives alone in an enormous steamboat gothic house in a drug infested area of our town. For better or worse, his house will be foreclosed on on Friday of this week. I have offered for him to live here, but he wants to remain in his house and hopes the bank will allow a couple to buy it who have said he can continue living there.
I am sad for him and for me.. I feel life has become an endless series of funerals and memorial services. I have gotten counseling and attended greif and support groups. I work two days a week in a profession I have enjoyed for 40 years. I have good relationships with my stepchildren and grandchildren, I go to the gym and work out regularly, eat well, maintain a healthy weight and pray often. i have several hobby/ social groups that I attend and participate in regularly: sacred harp singing, beekeeping, 12 step meetings and I volunteer for Salvation Army kids' camps as well as volunteer teach at the senior center.
I feel as though I am doing all I can to recover and maintain through this long difficult season of greif. I still miss my husband night and day, and I mildly resent him for having died and gotten out of all this mess.
I have noticed lately how negative and critical I have become. I know I need to put the brakes on this before I alienate what friends are left. As all of you know, they just don't want to hear about it. I really don't blame them either.
I am grateful for many things in my lfe, but I still feel I need more. This is probably a selfish attitude, but I am so depressed. I get tired of dressing well, doing the "right" things, trying to show up for others and still feeling like absolute crap. Oh, and as long as I'm bitching, please note that I have absolutely no self confidence either. I feel like my life is one big play act; a play act that I'm fairly good at, but enpty and meaningless. I really would rather prefer to be dead, but I feel that i need to finish my business here, caring for my father-in-law as much as he'll let me and being there for my sister and of course, our animals. I'd really like to run away to another planet.
I'm sorry to be so long and so whiney, but at our first teacher's meeting this year all the teachers introduced themselves and told about their summer vacations with their husbands and I wanted to explode. I didn't, of course. I sat there with a courteous smile and look of interest. I need a miracle. i don't even know what form that miracle would take - just something to take me out of myself, to restore hope and some sense of meaning to my life.
I have no sense that anything will ever change except to get worse and that God is really very mad at me. I feel he is putting the screws to me to discipline me. Outwardly I'm doing okay, inwardly, I'm failing completely. Oh, I forgot to say, one faithful friend who used to help me a lot with my thinking, has gone into the later stages of dementia in the past 6 months.
I usually try to write in a way that may, I hope, be of help and encouragement to someone else, but I am fresh out of positive thoughts. This is the only community I know of that has realy understood. I'm sorry if I've made anyone more depressed that they already were, but I needed to get this out. Thank you.
I don't know if you will like this idea or not and I also need to listen myself to these words. Seems like a change of scenery might do you a world of good and be a break for you. Something like a short trip where all of the planning is done for you and all you have to do is go along and enjoy it. Does a local bank, senior center, church, or widow's group ever take trips that you could sign up for? I have trouble traveling alone and I'm not used to my "singleness" when so many things are centered around couples. There's a local bank in our community that takes some day trips and short trips and I went on one of those day trips after my husband died. Sometimes pushing yourself to do something like that gives you an opportunity to meet new people and experience something new for the day. Our community also has some "Senior College" classes that are just 4 weeks long (once a week) and that can give you a new short-term focus. Maybe a friend or small group of friends would enjoy planning and going on a fall get-away for a night or two. Just some ideas to consider. It doesn't change our loss or situation but getting away even for a short time could feel good and help you cope better.
Get honest, not with us, but with yourself and spend some time feeling the loss. Spend a day in your pajama's drinking coffee and reading a book, playing solitaire, or watching dumb tv shows.
YOU DESERVE MORE. Sharon
Your post is neither whiny nor self-pitying. If you just change a few details, you are writing my thoughts, word for word. I lost my precious Rhoda on April 1st of this year. I am following her wishes and going on. Last week, the new semester started and I went back to teaching after being out of the classroom for a year (first time not in front of a class since spring 1986). At work, I appear engaged, energetic and intact. It is all a charade. Inside, I am empty and broken. Like you, I have found things to do with my time but it is not enough. Only Rhoda can fill this void in my life.
I am learning very slowly to live with this void but losing her has taken all of the meaning out of my life. That does not imply that I so not care for my family and friends. It is just not the same and never will be. My only hope is that one day, Rho and I will be together again. Until then, I just go on. Civilians have said to me - that's not a life! Well, I had a great life and it is over. Fact.
So, you are not being selfish or anything of that sort. We lost everything and no amount of pretending will make it otherwise.
I wish I had a solution for you but there is none I know of. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
BTW, if a spaceship drop by, I will make sure they pick you up too.
tom
I wrote the same words describing my feelings in July, right after the 1-year anniversary of my beloved husband's death. Then my companion kitty-cat Lucy died on August 1st, which leaves this home (since July 1965) totally empty except for me...and the double loss has left me feeling like I just became a widow today...back at Square 1.
Today I went to the doctor's and as I sat in the waiting room, I thought this is the first time in my life that I will go home and there will be neither a 2-legged nor a 4-legged companion to greet me when I open the door.
Anywho...this too shall pass...truly it will get better. If we keep saying that over and over long enough, we will brainwash ourselves into believing it!! It's very therapeutic to be able to share our most personal thoughts and fears with the wonderful DS W/W group. They have been blessings to me, and I've appreciated each person's input when I've been almost going over-the-edge.
Edith (and Tom also), please know that you are not alone. I've felt the same sense of "what's the purpose?" quite a few times. And then the following day or week, that cloud of despair floats away and you will be shown that you are needed, you do have a purpose, and life does go on.
Actually, both of you have helped me tonight when I thought maybe I'm the only one who is still having those valleys! Thank you for sharing your thoughts...hang in there...Keep the faith!
Hugs of friendship to all,
Nancy
We all have felt what you have described. There are better days and, as you know, worse ones. God is not mad at you! HE loves you & wants to help you through this time in your life.
Of course, all of us will always love & miss our loves, that is natural. As time has passed and I have done grief work, as you have, the grief has eased considerably. There are still times when the old griefwave still hits me and, even can still pull me under -- briefly, but not like it used to do. Special days or times can still cause tears and sadness, then, I ease back into my days as usual.
I certainly understand about death & funerals becoming an endless series of events. There have been so many die since Joe left, and I have been to hospitals and funerals until, like you, I would like to run away -- somewhere -- if that would do any good. Of course, death is a part of the circle of life, but, no one wants to think about it.
It sounds like you are staying very busy and doing the healthy things in your life. Are you resting enough? Are you actually doing something for yourself? I hope so.
We all get into a grief slump occasionally, hopefully you will begin to rise out of that slump soon.
Hugs, Joely
It's a sad fact that those of us who are older have limited hopes and dreams left after losing our spouses. For me, my health limits what I can do in terms of volunteer work. I do what I can, but often my health makes me stay at home when i would rather be off running somewhere. It is VERY depressing when it seems all we do is go to funerals. At the beginning of life and at the end, we have very limited possibilities, but it is a time when we can prepare for leaving this temporary home and going home to our eternal home. I think your feelings are entirely normal. It's not really exciting to think that our best days are behind us rather than in front. But the ETERNAL HOME is in our future. That is cause for joy. Every day is one day closer to being with God and our loved ones.
I could have written most of this. It is how I feel most of the time, pushing myself to go on, I feel like an actor in a play, what people see on the outside is not what I feel on the inside. I am at 21 months and just feel like every day is a struggle to keep moving. I do travel and go out socially, and I am sure it helps, but it is only because I push myself to do it.