Mother's Day was hard.  My Mom died just last fall.  She was the one who talked me through all the tough days that there have ever been, until she died --- then six months later almost to the day, my husband died, also. 

Our 39th anniversary went by with me sitting by his bedside more than 5 hours in the hospital that day while he slept under the influence of pain meds.

I had brought with me some little things to try to celebrate our anniversary, our last one together, but he never really came out from under at all that day, or much after that.

That was the first time that I really, genuinely realized...

"I am going to be all alone."

My children are so very busy with their own young families, I have very few friends of my own, most of the others where really friends of my husband's, the one's that are mine are in no position at all to help me, or have already done whatever they could. 

I am trying to find some help, find a job, trying to pull myself together, keep my emotions in check as best I am able-- which is very, very hard sometimes, trying to pull whatever is left of my shattered life together to try to continue living, to catch up on all those chores that went totally begging for months while my husband was dying, and all those difficult, unpleasant, and emotional, heartbreaking ones that just come with losing a spouse....

but I am simply running out of time, running out of energy, running out of will to fight and strength to fight, and running out of options.

I told somebody on Mother's Day that, if I could, I think I would just run away, take a long cruise and just wander awhile, not come back for about a year.  They thought that sounded an awful thing of me to simply express! Why?

I know that they just can't understand what it's like, being so lost and having such painful memories in my face everyday, and not knowing where to turn or what to do at all, but some days I think that I should just dump all the contacts in my address book that are bringing nothing but more pain and frustration, chuck my phones, and everything else as well, to wander the earth like the soulless wraith that I feel like.