Thank you for sharing Jeff. When and if you get ready to share more, I have found this group to be very supportive and non-judgemental. I tried a couple of other groups before this and it seemed to be people just out for a hook up... Well they don’t understand that we need to just be able to get all of our emotions out on the table. Hugs to you and hoping that you are able to lean on someone for support. Just don’t be afraid to show every emotion. Just because you’re a man, and I know how men can be haha, you are still allowed to be true and vulnerable and it doesn’t make you any less of a man. I’m sorry for your pain. Blessings to you my friend!

Hey Jeff, welcome to the (not so) small cult that no one wants to join. 6 months for me since I lost my wife. It's a real rollercoaster of emotions as you're seeing. I'll let you know a little of what I've done. Widow grief group at a local church for a couple months. I joined a young widow/ widower support group through a local hospice and went for 2 months. I have a grief therapist that I see regularly. There are also private FB groups for online support for us. Take care brother.

Thank you inked1. My story is one I feel as though I could write a novel. One of my challenges I feel like I have already been grieving to a point for 2 years due to my wife's health. I already had felt a bit alone. However, the weeks before and after her death were absolutely surreal. I was lucky in a sense that I got to say everything I wanted to her. We talked about her eventual passing and I know she just wants me to be happy. You would think these things would make things easier when then go but, it is overwhelming. I am a changed person. Yeah, I used to be a bit of a "Rock" and suppressed emotion. This has changed in me recently.

Thank you Myfavorite! Perhaps I am not as rare of a breed as I thought. One of the reasons I feel different is most people seem to have kids in this situation and I do not. Yeah....it is a rollercoaster - that is I think the part I didn't expect. I am also joining a local hospice widow/widower group....just seems like having people in common will help.

Jeff, I can understand in one sense but I don’t know that it would’ve been any easier knowing that either one of my husbands was going to die when they did. They both had their share of health problems and both became disabled and I became their caretaker, and we had discussions on when they or I die, what the other would do... I’m not sure that knowing what was coming made it any easier on you. A loss of a spouse is a loss of a spouse. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like had I known it was coming... would I have dwelled on it making me spend less time with spontaneity or would it have made laughter in out home a little less knowing it was the end??? However it happens or how we deal with it makes no difference when it comes to the pain we all share. My heart goes out to you... keep talking my friend.. we all have this large ass hump to get over and all i can see is a hand reaching back to grab mine to help get over it and my hand reaching back to grab another... we have to help each other.

inked1 - The worst part is anything I would go through in life, it is my wife I would talk to about. She may have been very sick and I may have been her caregiver, but she was still my best friend.

She's gone and well.... I have a lot of people reaching out but it is her I need to talk to. Even some of my closest friends and family do not get it, and they are smothering me. I really just want to talk to my wife.

Or, at least others that know what I am going through.

Like I said, I think knowing it was coming at least left me with no regrets. We didn't have many times of respite these last 2 years, but when we did - we appreciated it as much as we could.

I know that feeling well, Terry was my very best friend and I could and would talk to him about anything and everything. I miss hearing his funny little comments to my rants about my bad day or how he would tell me things about how he was feeling that he would tell no one else. He was 6’4 and about 350 lbs and everyone was intimidated by him and thought he was the toughest man ever. But inside, he was a sweetheart and had emotions that no one but I would see and I would reassure him that no one else would know but me. His laugh, his smile, or just his presence are the things that I miss so much it keeps me awake at night. I too just want to talk to him... and I still do, but now I don’t hear him answering me....

I am sorry for you-I lost mine Nov 27, so I understand. I am so devastated at losing him. I cry everyday for him. He was a tough guy, man's man, but an excellent husband. Nobody ever made me feel loved the way he did, and I was head over heels for him. We were accused of being co-dependent, but he would say to me that's okay because we truly needed each other. He died suddenly-so I feel dead too. It is so painful, I just feel like my life is completely destroyed. So I wish you peace and strength

Dee1, you’re relationship with your husband sounds so much like mine and Terry’s relationship. He would tell me everyday and multiple times a day how beautiful I was even when I didn’t feel beautiful. He would constantly act like he was just seeing me for the first time and tell me I took his breath away. When I would come home from work and get changed into my comfy clothes he would make it a point to watch me change clothes. He also was a tough man and he made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. I find myself crying so much but I try to hide it from everyone else. I don’t know why I hide it, maybe because everyone thinks I’m so strong and that I don’t have weakness but I do. I’m going out of my mind over not having hom here everyday. I miss the daily phone calls when I would call him on every break at work. He always wanted to know how my day was going. He would put aside his own health issues or his pain to check in on me. I on the other hand could be having the worst day ever at work and just as soon as I would hear his voice it all went away even if just for a few minutes and I thought about him. We still held hands all the time as if we were teenagers just discovering love... he loved PDA .. he would kiss me in front of the entire world and would even pat my butt in front of anyone. One day someone asked him what he loved most about me and in his normal comedic response he said “ she has the perfect back to crack ratio”... you probably didn’t want to know that lol but it’s just how he was.. so funny but also so loving. I just get from day to day now but I still don’t know how I’m doing it but it’s mostly full of tears and heartache. Hugs to you.

I can totally relate. My husband passed 11/30. Even though I knew in the back of my mnd that I would outlive him, it still shocked the hell out of me and took the wind out of my sail. Totally lost. Day by day, hour by hour.

My first husband fell off a building and died at work. My second husband was sick for around 12 years and terminal for around 4. Was just as hard if not harder as we had 35 years together and my first husband only 2 years. All i know is when you love someone the pain of loss is excruciating..its almost 3 years since my second husband passed and it still feels like yesterday and yet it doesn't. Life is forever changed. They say we are the only ones who can heal ourselves and yet this site has and still helps me in so many ways. Welcome to the place no one wants to be in.

So sorry for your loss. I can sort of relate; my husband passed away suddenly in 2008.
I was actually going through my journal entries from way back in the day and I found that I went through the same emotional roller coaster that you have been experiencing, especially in the first couple of months after his death. I would say, take it one day at a time and try not to do or expect too much emotionally, and believe it or not, it does get better. I find that I am never completely okay, but I've learned to cope a lot better (for the most part), but that came with time. All the best, and I find journaling helped me quite a bit...take care.