I cannot really add anything else. Everybody said it so well. You cannot blame yourself for what happened in hospital. But somehow we do it anyway. I blame myself for not waking up earier in the morning the day David died. Had I woken up earlier, we might have had a bit of a conversation before...

Sounds nothing like your experience, but for a while I still blamed myself. Anyway - we cannot go back and change things.

About "signs". Your dear hubby is not mad at you. How could he be? Would you be mad at him? You were in love. I can hear the love behind your words in your post. Love does not die. Once you open your mind, you will see signs - they are there all around you.
Sending gentle hugs your way.

I understand exactly how you feel. I keep thinking I should have acted quicker in calling 911. We had always talked about not wanting to be on life support if we were in a vegative state. He had a massive stroke. I keep thinking should I have put him on life support, would he have recovered? All the doctors told me he never would have but what if they were wrong. He was gone in less then 16 hours. It was 2 days before his 63rd birthday. He had come home from work and had dinner and went to bed because he didn't feel good. I keep replaying that night over and over. I've been seeing commercial lately for stroke rehabilitation and wonder did I do the right thing. Will he ever forgive me?

MJB...My dad had a massive stroke in front of us a few years ago at a very young age. We too did not choose life support. He would have not wanted to live as a vegetable either. I think when it came to a stroke like that, we both made the right choice. That is not a life at all. One of my good friends, also NYPD, had a massive stroke in the bathroom at work. It is two years now and he is still in a nursing home at age 40 with no brain activity. Just a permanent coma and it is the worst on his wife and young kids. God bless us all. Ann

Your feelings are normal. The anxiety that you did not do enough, or did the wrong things, or went to the wrong doctors, or helped your spouse make bad decisions.......it's useless to second guess yourself.
Like Moonflyer, I was hands on, knowledgeable as I could possibly be. My husband told me once that his oncologist was afraid of me - I laughed, and he said no - it's true, he is. This was the top renal cell carcinoma specialist at a major NYC cancer facility. I questioned everything - was Tom's staunchest advocate -knew his medical history chapter and verse BY HEART with dates, and medical terms and doctors names and results. I did not have to commit it to memory, it just was at the tip of my mind all the time. I was very impressive = hah, but I didn't impress the freakin' cancer one bit. The cancer wasn't afraid of me. You can't control it. For months I thought i had failed him - but as someone wise said to me "If all the medical research teams and doctors and scientists can't get a handle on cancer, what makes you think you can?" And that is correct. As to mistakes, let me tell you I could truly write a book. I have seen and witnessed first hand multiple goofs. It is a horror tale and I am not unique. Eventually you must stop beating yourself up - I finally have.
Peace and light to you.
gloria

You can't blame your self. We as spouses can only do so much. I did yell and scream and try to get more answers on the spot.They called security on me and I was almost removed.I knew I would never bring my love home again.I had to except this in less than 30 seconds.We put our trust in the pros,we have to,we can't beat our selves up over that.There isn't any part of this journey that doesn't suck!!! My husband flat lined six times 3 that I sat and watched as they worked on him,untill I yelled stop. The last 2 were in my arms.This is not easy, but give yourself time.You have the records in hand but don't move to quick you need some time to process all thats going on.
I too didn't get a sign from him for a long time,that doesn't mean he hates you. It feel it means he is fine and when the time is right you will hear from him.I said to him one day,"did you hide $ anywhere because I need it" now everytime I leave the house I find money, it may be a penny or a quarter. It comes from him.Please take some time for yourself it is so important now!!!

Hi, I feel for you. You have tried to get some closure and this happens. I too have been trying to get the same from the hospital. I went to a meeting with two of his doctors. I arrived early only to be told the doctors were waiting. The staff organising the meeting messed the times up and so instead of having an hour to ask questions I only had twenty minutes.

It has only hit me now when I have a lot more time on my hands how long and lonely his nights and days must have been in hospital. I was too busy at the time to realise.

I think we all feel we have let our darlings down. Believe me when I say that your situation does not read as bad as I feel in letting my partner down. He thought I was working against him sometime. Only because I tried to encourage him to move around more so his mobility could improve. He felt I was taking sides. His condition decreases muscular strength and mobility. I was only trying to help but he didnt see it that way.

Gosh, I was so ignorant. When he was in hospital I googled his symptoms and found his disease. When he was suffering still at home without a clear diagnosis I didnt even think to do this. He mentioned going back to hospital and I told him to wait for rehab to start from his original misdiagnosis. That delay in going back to hospital led to him having a stay in hospital, a trachy put in, a decrease in his mobility. He never gained his independance back. He passed away after four months in hospital. A man with the same condition and his age was released in three weeks all because he got to hospital in time. How do you think I feel? I feel I contributed to his death due to my stubborness and selfishness. I wanted him home with me because I loved him and missed him.

I hope this helps. You are not alone in feeling this way. I go through this probably about 20 times a day. It is killing me. Sometimes I think receiving a sign is not good. Maybe they havent passed into the next life. If he was still around in some form then maybe it wasnt his time. Not receiving a sign maybe the fact that it was his time to pass into a new life in heaven. I thought I have received signs and have taken photos and videos of around the house to see if there is anything. But no nothing. I think sometimes we may look into it too much.

Russ
I know how you feel guilt and I am sorry we are all dealing with this. I feel sometimes that he is not showing me a sign because he is in heaven also.
I finally got a call from the lawyers today and they keep saying that they cannot figure out why he passed away. He had an accident but was alert, no broken bones and find for two days. Then after a pain injection he is in repsiratory failure. I had to mail all the records to them today and they will review and see if they will take the case. It seemed hopeful today with a conference call and a nurse on the other side with them. I just want Joe to know I did all I can to right the "wrong" that was done to both of us.
I pray we both loss this guilt feeling and deal with it very soon .Much love to you Ann

Oh, Ann...tight hugs..don't do that to yourself...Take that thought , that feeling out of your heart he hates you. That is so far from the truth..hugs. Joe love you! Stop, don't ridden yourself with guilt. You did the best you knew how..it has nothing to do with ignorance...it has to do with trust. You trusted the care providers..and in turn the care providers may have been protecting you from such pain, knowing all the details at the time. I don't know....hugs.

Not everyone gets a 'sign'....signs are the persons own interpretation of what it is. When Bola died, I never felt his death....I did not find out he was killed until 11 hours later. Maybe there were signs and I was not opened to receive them. Please, please don't target yourself with torment...your heart has already taken a beating from his passing. Don't do this to yourself. My sister in law whose husband is a pastor, says direct signs are really far and few. Me, I believe our blessings are in everyday life, in everything that blooms, has colors, has feel, rain, wind, tears, laughter, touch....to all of our senses, inner being...stimulates all our senses, heart, spirit.. and to know they are from God, even man made things are of God...so when we open our hearts, we receive them as we see them, as we need them...these are signs to me.

After reading my husbands report of his death and speaking with the witnesses, my guilt ten fold too. But guilt is an emotion we do onto ourselves needlessly....'if' we feel there is need, then I ask God for forgiveness and for me to be able to forgive those who have trespassed against me.

They say guilt is apart of the grieving...speak to a counselor, so you can deal with this. Guilt can be devastating to ones soul...you can talk to us, it may help you to navigate your emotions now...but I think perhaps a counselor may be best.

Joe loves you....and never forget that, Ann. Big tight hugs...