I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please don't do this to yourself. You did the best you could given the information you had. Since you mentioned a malpractice suit, I assume the hospital made errors and were not truthful with you. Therefore, lay the blame where it belongs: on the hosptial and their staff.

You hired these so-called experts to take care of your husband. They have years and decades of experience. They are the experts. Of course you trusted them. How could you be expected to be an expert? You do no have the training of a doctor or nurse. It is not your area of expertise. Even if you were a doctor, you still wouldn't be expected to know--that's why they have specialties. The cardiologist wouldn't know or understand the specialty of the oncologist.

Stop beating yourself up about this. I don't hear from my husband either. But that's because he is busy in Heaven, having a wonderful time and knowing that I will one day be there with him.

Don't feel bad you did do everything you could. Even if you had asked doesn't mean they would of told you.
I was going to move my husband the first time he was in the hostipal and it takes more than just saying you want him put into another hostipal at least here it is. I beat myself up everyday did I tell them everything so he could've been still with me. Everyone is I think is so much in a daze you really can't think of everything. You did all you could do for him. You loved him and he know that. I haven't had a sign that my husband has come to visit if I have I don't know it. Sometimes I think he is here because of the way my dog acts but as far as me no.

Hugs to you.

Please do not blame yourself. We all go through the would have, should have, could have, and when it is all said and done. We did the best we could have with the information that we had. We are humans and can't possibly know the future and what it holds.
Sorry you have to go through this excruciating pain as you go through this paperwork.
We are here for you whenever you need an ear
Take care of yourself and sending hugs

wow im talking with lawyers right now too. the er they took him to really screwed up, long story, but i understand how u feel. everytime i talk to the lawyer or look at new records coming in it makes me feel like a failed him. and worse, i hade to take him off the sedative and allow him to pass and its guilt ill probably carry all my life.

i dont know what to tell u, but i cope the best i can and just pray that when its all over i can look back and say hey i made it thru that.

I asked for Jim's hospital records from the VA. They showed up one day in a big box. I started to read them and then just quit. Jim passed away in his sleep 5 days after he came home. There was no recesitation and when the paramedics asked me if they should do so I said no...he's been through enough. I will never feel bad about that decision. I would have hoped he would make that same decision for me. About signs you have to be open to them. I believe there are no coincidences in life so there are your signs. Do not feel bad about your husband you sound like you did everything you could. Big Hugs

I would sue 'em just for unloading that on you on xmas eve.

Anyway, you didnt do anything wrong. We have to depend on the medical professionals to do their jobs. what would have changed if you had asked every morning? You did everything you could have done. Guilt is part of this, if you let it get the best of you it will only make your pain so much worse. You don't need that, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

God Bless, Sal

Annie, You did not let Joe down, you did what you could with the information you had. If you can't trust the experts to do their best, then who can you trust? You certainly could not have made different decisions under the circumstances. If the hospital erred in the care of your husband, they are the ones to account for what happened. You loved your husband and would have done anything they asked you to do if that would have saved him. Joe knows what happened to him and why he left the day he left. As much as we'd like to think that we could have changed the chain of events, the fact is that we CAN'T. Find comfort in the love you have in your heart for Joe for that is the thread that continues to connect you with him. Love never dies! Hugs! Connie

Oh Ann, I went through the same thing. I beat the Hell out of myself over everything I should have and could have done for John. I also had all his medical records, exrays, disc of all his PET scans, One of the hospital personel told me how to load and read the scans. It came down to, I did all that I could humanly possible for John. We are not trained to know all of the medical things that could, or did go wrong.You are not responsible for anything but doing the best you could for Joe. I had even taken everything I had to a friend of mine who is an attorney. I wanted an impartial person to go over everything. so you do what you have to do. Big hugs to you: Donna

So sorry you are going through this. Most of us have read those hospital records and felt terrible ~~ after the fact. It hurts, but, you know you did all you could do and it was all in God's hands. I had to accept that God knows so much more than my feeble mind. My husband went suddenly with cardiac arrest, but, I felt I HAD to read those records ~ knowing that I could not do anything more. Guilt is part of this journey. We do have to learn to let it go though, because, it isn't going to help us and certainly won't help them. I'm sure we all did everything they could for our loved ones.
You will survive this, but, sorry that you have to feel this way now.
Hugs, Joely

I am so terribly sorry that you have this new grief to get through in addition to the grief of losing your husband. I relate to what you are saying concerning the hospital. My husband died of metastasized bladder cancer. When symptoms first appeaerd he was misdiagnosed by a Dr Pertulla , a GP where we live. For 2 years in a row Nick was told he was healthy and that he was having "bladder spasms" because he was getting close to 50 yrs old. When he showed more advanced symptoms he went to a Urologists who found very advanced cancer. He was referred to a surgeon who removed his bladder, prostrate and urethra. He was told he was cancer free and no need for chemo or radiation. He wore an ostomy bag for 4 years. Each year he was told he was cancer free. Oct 2010 he was told again he was cancer free. By November he wasn't feeling well. By December he could hardly walk. In January 2011 a different doctor had him get a CT Scan and an MRI. They found the cancer was now in his liver, his pelvic area and his bones. He died 3/28/11 after four months of living hell. Nearly all of the doctors we were involved with were uncaring, cold and never there when he was in crises.
I have been working with 2 grief counselors for months now trying to rid myself of the guilt I feel for not pushing harder for him to go to different doctors. I have felt almost uncontrollable rage towards the doctors who let him down.
I have learned that all the anger, pain and guilt I feel does not change what happened. It doesn't make the suffering he went through any less. It doesn't make the doctors any better or more caring. It doesn't restore Nick to a healthy life.
The counselors have helped me start sorting out what I could and could not have had any control over. That has helped relieve my guilt to a certain extent.
I talked with an attorney and since I cannot PROVE that Nick would have lived if the 1st doctor and not misdiagnosed him and I cannot prove that if the surgeon had referred him for either radiation or chemo that the cancer would not have returned, I cannot get an attorney here to pursue legal action.
You did nothing wrong. When we are sick we go to doctors. We trust them because they are the professionals. Your husband was in a hospital under medical care. You had every reason to believe he was in good hands.
I so hope that in time you can find a measure of peace through all of this. I also wish you the very best of luck if you pursue this legally. My very best wishes are with you.

Hugs. Even if you were there, the doctors probably would have tried to talk you out of your feelings. I got to the point where I felt like I was being harassed by the GPs that took care of my Connan. I complained bitterly to other doctors and the administration, who sympathized and agreed but was still treated the same way by the GPs.

We do everything and more for our partners. I think that just by being here you show much you love him.

You have NO REASON to beat yourself up my friend. I've been there, and done that so MANY times. you know I WAS knowledgeable, on everything about Greg's illness, and I mean EVERYTHING,. I argued with the docs, argued with the specialists, argued with EVERYONE in the medical community! Caught errors in prescripts, in daignosis. Was a real PAIN IN THE ASS!

and in the end, it did not matter. I call the medical community, now a 'practice' because that's exactly what it is. they do the best they can with what they know. I remember they did tell us that the TIPS procedure Greg had had a 50/50 chance. they were right.It just wasn't the fifty I was looking for!!! And was against it, but it was the only option in the end.

You did EVERYTHING you could with the knowledge you had, and the most important thing in all of this to remember, is that when you sweet husband was suffering, the one thing he KNEW above all else was that he was LOVED. that's EVERYTHING my friend. EVERYTHING.

HUGS and HOPES for peace

diane

I also knew that the drs. did not do their job to the best of their ability. I went to a lawyer. After much back and forth, it was decided that yes, mistakes were made but the outcome would have been the same. I have my doubts, but I tried to right the wrong, so I am at peace with that. I do tell everyone about the doctor and say to just request someone else and the reason. I don't like "hospital doctors". I want my real doctor there. I was holding Frank's hand throughout the ordeal even tho the wonderful nurses said to leave the room....after he was pronounced I laid with him and talked to him....
So, please, go to the lawyer, do all you can do ...it's all we can do now.

Annie,
I'm an RN and I have been tempted to blame myself because I should have been able to do something. When Wayne fell 10 feet off our back deck, he lay on the ground for 4 hours in 40 degree weather. I was at work and kept trying to call him for our usual noon day chat. For over 2 hours, I tried to chalk it up to just not remembering someplace he was going. When I finally got home to him, I was devastated to find him blue from hypothermia and in severe pain. What I did not realize, was he had a bleed in the brain stem that would eventually take his life. Both the doctor and I knew he had low platelets (clotting factors) but it was two days before anybody had the good sense to start giving him platelets. I will never know, if I had thought of this on the first day, whether this could have saved his life or whether it would have just allowed him to live with brain damage in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

I try not to play the "what if" game because it will drive me crazy. I was so frantic in those first few hours and days. I have to tell myself that I did the very best that I could at the time. He died, I am alone and now I have to take care of the person my husband loved with all his heart---me. I know he wants me to be happy, because almost everyday of the 24 years we shared together, he told me. I am doing my best to find some joy in life. I'm not there yet, but for Wayne's sake, I am working on it.

Good luck with your situation. I hope you can find some peace in knowing you did the very best you could. No one could ask more of you, not even yourself.

Claire

Annie, make sure you get that to a lawyer ASAP and DO NOT blame yourself for anything. My father in law -who was a lawyer- was permanently disabled after what was supposedly minor surgery...they found that the hospital records had been changed-in some cases torn out and missing. Get these to your lawyer immediately and DO NOT take blame on yourself.

If people knew everything that happened to patients in hospitals, NO ONE WOULD EVER GO TO ONE AGAIN.

And, as others have said, they would never have told you azll of it anyway...it was not your fault.

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