Rant away Michele. You spoke my feelings exactly! I too hate the word widow....makes me feel like a spider!

Warm AZ hugs to you. Darlene

Michelle,

As much as I hate to say it I had to really move backward to begin to move forward. I was forced to recognize that I had many issues I had never addressed or grieved. Starter was the death of a brother when I was about 12 years old. Repressed grief that was unresolved. A severe lack of self confidence for not attempting the more difficult classes in school and being an under achiever. An almost 10 year marriage that went south that I never emotionally worked out to resolution and came to terms. All of these issues were weighing upon me and I could not recognize that they were hindering my progress on grieving for my spouse. No instruction manual here just a very kind and intelligent friend who after getting to know me saw what I could not. As I pealed away those layers one at a time I finally came to the place I could get my emotional mind and grief over the loss of Sally in the proper place. I can now see the decline in her health over the few years before she passed and have dealt with her death and now are so were thankful for the time I had with her(31 years). I carry her spirit in my heart and work to spread her joy and kindness to others. She was a special person and touched the lives of many. I have had to work this out on my own but not without the aid of a kind and gentle spirit who has helped me focus and look for the good in life.

Michele,

You are sad and that is understandably so. The emotional journey of grief is hell but you will reach the place where you will be at peace. Short journey it is not. Easy it is not! You have so much support here and all of us understand what you are going through. I never cried so much in my life but I worked on letting the emotions flow and did not care where I was. Hugs to you Michele. There really is hope even if it is not visible now!

Dewman

Vent away girl . . . you can do some venting for me too. I'm simply tired right now. I've surrendered. I have good (well, okay) days and I have dreams for the future; but I'm not there yet. Fighting the good fight has worn me out. I'll come up for air again soon, as this is part of the process. Keeping this in mind is the only thing keeping me sane. There is hope. As long as we have hope, we can and will survive this. I know exactly how you feel. It's just so damn hard. BTW, I tried the manuals . . there are no exacts for each of us individually. We move through it at our own pace. Sending lots of healing energy your way . . xo, D

Must be something in air. The last 3 days have been tough for me too, but I'm hoping to start moving forward again tomorrow. Yesterday as I was sitting at a stop light a car came around the corner and I saw Cathy. I nearly waved. Then I caught myself. But I felt good for a split second.

Michele - you mean like "Grieving for Dummies"? Yeah, there's no handbook for this. I think grief is one of the inner circles of hell (or maybe purgatory) Dante speaks of, no kidding.

Widow is just a word, not a definition. F-ck that. You're still Michele. I remember very early on, watching Witless Protection (not my kind of movie, but it was on). I laughed until I cried, It was so stupid, but so funny. I knew I could laugh again - even though it was just that time. It will come, but it takes time, although I know that's the last thing you want to hear. With each day, change within yourself will come so slowly you won't even realize it until you look back and see it. I promise this is true. Hugs, Marsha

We have all suffered the loss of our spouses, we all know that excruciating pain. We all have that in common, along with similar experiences, thoughts, and feelings. We all must draw our own map, write our own book, make our own daily, weekly, and monthly goals. It is a slow process, much to overwhelming in the early stages especially when everything seems so surreal. Some keep everything of their spouses right where it was for years, some remove them as they are painful reminders, some relocate, some stay where they are. Only you can know what is right for you, a lot of steps you will do without even knowing it until you look back. You can, and will survive this roller coaster ride.

I hear all of you....I mirror ALL of you....and, yet, I'm still groping through the sludge! At times it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress....I've taken 5 steps forward and 10 backwards! What the heck!!!

HOPE, JOY, LAUGHTER.....I see it in front of me, I can almost touch it and then it eludes me. It's like whispers on the wind.....it moves away from me, just out of reach. I'll hear a laugh and realize that it's me. I can do it, I just CAN'T FEEL IT!

I don't want to sound like that incessant broken record...over and over again....not moving...not accomplishing anything but this feeling of loss and never ending darkness has a grip on me and until the darkness becomes only "whispers" I find myself falling backwards on occasion. Please, dear friends, bear with me!

What we have is not really contagious but so similar it almost feels like it is.... it hurts so deeply.....I feel mortally wounded and incapable of moving at times.

To have had such a love in my life makes me feel so lucky......And now I feel so fragmented to have lost the very thing that made me feel so whole!

When I can be gracious and thankful without the heart wrenching pain I know I'll be able to live again!

With Love,
Roz

Sounds like all of us.. I'm going along thinking I'm dealing with this, that my life is moving forward, then out of no where I get hit with such depression and sadness I feel like I am re-living day one all over again. We all want are old life back. I still wake up thinking this is all dream that Danny is in the kitchen getting our coffee or kissing me good morning. hopefully you venting on this site is helping. Sending love and support

Finding this site early on in my journey was the best road map for me. It is only in looking back at where I've been in the last 4 1/2 years that I can see what a life line this site has been. To know that this process is different, yet the same, for each of us, gave me the courage to live each day at my own pace, both emotionally and physically. It gave me patience to deal with the myriad of things we, who are left behind, have to deal with, including those who may mean well, but they are not walking in our shoes or dealing with our private and personal issues. I could listen to the well meaning advise of others, but the bottom line was and is, that I am the captain of my own ship and I have to steer my own course. You too, are the captain of your own ship. Do what is right for you, when it is right for you. This isn't a pleasant journey, it's pretty darned rough at times, but it does get easier as we move through what we need to. You will have hope, joy and laughter, it is there for you when you are ready. Blessings always. Sharon K

vent away Michele! I would like to read that step by step guide. After six months of grieving i feel tired and worn down by it. I feel like if i go through the motions it will become my reality. Delusion? Big hug! Patti

Keep venting all you want. I echo your post. I hate the word WIDOW and the amusement park SUCKS!! I want off. HUGE hugs coming your way

Michele, I hated the word widow at first. Now I wear it like a badge of courage. I am amazed at the strength I have gained. I agree it is one hell of a ride. I keep telling myself to believe and trust God on this journey. I have found peace and hope for the future. I still have my days where I crash but pull myself up, brush myself off and move on. Do not give up hope!!! It is the joyful expectation of something good to come. You vent on girlfriend!! Sending hugs and pray you can find some peace and comfort. Sue

I read your post before and understand what you are looking for, but had no answers to respond. As I read it today I realized that we write our own instruction manual each and every day. My suggestion is to first take a few minutes miss him before beginning the day. You can cry, write, or just remember. Then decide on one thing that you can do for you. Anything you want, large or small. Read something, writing, a special treat works. Add to the manual one thing that you want to accomplish, maybe a phone call, house tidying. Something constructive. They don't need to be in any order, but this is how we get through the day. Breaking it into pieces and trying to find an illusive peace. Hugs, Sharon

Sharon and to all, I do think I need to write my own instruction manual. With this "widows brain" I can't seem to keep much straight. ha ha
Doing weird things and the normal things seem to be such a task. Evenings are the worse for me and the more tired I become the more emotional I am and then can't sleep. So, maybe during those crying bouts I could write down a list of tasks to "try" to accomplish the next day. But also include something I want to do and not just have to do. Thank you all for being here for me. Hugs to all, Michele

This is your own story. You get to write it. We are all different, yes similar. However you heal, change or live is right for you.
It is a tough road but you will find your path. No map. No directions. Sorry. It's yours to blaze a trail!
I agree with the statement about Dante's purgatory.