Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have been having a really bad afternoon and night. I found some pictures on my phone (I started using my hubby's phone) and it was when he was very ill and I came to lie down beside him. His eyes are closed and I have my arm around his waist holding him and my head on his shoulder. My hubby was sitting up with lots of pillows on the hospice bed. These are probably pictures taken about 3 days before he died. I cried when I saw them as I remember that day well and my husband had stopped talking and was in pain in his chest and back and I had to take care how I tried to hold/hug him. I have my eyes closed resting on his shoulder as I knew how ill he was and didn't think he'd make it through the weekend, it was a Tuesday I'm pretty sure. And he didn't make it to the weekend. He died on Thursday night.
And now his birthday is Friday and I have a couple family members and a few friends coming over to have a small memorial in his honor for his birthday. I wrote some words down to read before anyone else wants to say anything.
It's been hard . I remember his suffering and just wish so much that he hadn't gotten cancer a second time! I thought he had really beat it the first time after 11 years cancer free. All he'd been through and now he was going to suffer yet again.
So I went outside to feed horses and it's getting much colder tonight. I couldn't stop thinking of him and feeling very badly I felt like I was light headed as though I wanted to faint. I think it was all the crying and the stress of losing him and wanting him back. It's been just over a year but the second birthday of his without him. I miss him.
I want to keep our place going because I love it here yet today as I was cleaning stalls and had the steel spreader in front of the door way, I tripped coming out and fell.Luckily onto the matted floor. I was fortunate I didn't hit the steel spreader as that could have knocked me out or broken a bone or who knows what else.
I just miss my husband. I can't have him back and it's making me so incredibly upset again. I was feeling pretty good this morning and now it's all changed. When I get very down I notice I don't pay good enough attention to what i'm doing.
Oh tell me someone that it will get better someday. Because I feel like this new life I have, altered forever without him is making me terribly unhappy. Just when I think it's better it's like a tidal wave hits me and I'm drowning again in tears.
I hope you all out there are feeling better. I need to think of something that could be worse than this so I can use my mind to remember that I am still fortunate in many ways.
It is an experience I don't want or can get a good grip on yet.
And now his birthday is Friday and I have a couple family members and a few friends coming over to have a small memorial in his honor for his birthday. I wrote some words down to read before anyone else wants to say anything.
It's been hard . I remember his suffering and just wish so much that he hadn't gotten cancer a second time! I thought he had really beat it the first time after 11 years cancer free. All he'd been through and now he was going to suffer yet again.
So I went outside to feed horses and it's getting much colder tonight. I couldn't stop thinking of him and feeling very badly I felt like I was light headed as though I wanted to faint. I think it was all the crying and the stress of losing him and wanting him back. It's been just over a year but the second birthday of his without him. I miss him.
I want to keep our place going because I love it here yet today as I was cleaning stalls and had the steel spreader in front of the door way, I tripped coming out and fell.Luckily onto the matted floor. I was fortunate I didn't hit the steel spreader as that could have knocked me out or broken a bone or who knows what else.
I just miss my husband. I can't have him back and it's making me so incredibly upset again. I was feeling pretty good this morning and now it's all changed. When I get very down I notice I don't pay good enough attention to what i'm doing.
Oh tell me someone that it will get better someday. Because I feel like this new life I have, altered forever without him is making me terribly unhappy. Just when I think it's better it's like a tidal wave hits me and I'm drowning again in tears.
I hope you all out there are feeling better. I need to think of something that could be worse than this so I can use my mind to remember that I am still fortunate in many ways.
It is an experience I don't want or can get a good grip on yet.
He passed away Aug 14th his birthday was Nov 2. The birthdays are hard. But I made it through it with many tears. Finding pictures or text of the last times we were together with our spouses is hard. It brings back the flood of emotions. I still have all the text between myself and my husband. The last text he sent is no I'm not ok come get me. I know they are there, but can't look at them.
I'm sorry your having a bad day and hope tomorrow is better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no easy way through our emotions and feelings but we somehow have to keep plodding along and it eventually will start to get better. Please try to pay extra attention to your safety when you have these bad times.
Marsha
I have a life now filled with joy. I do have problems with my father, but that's another story, so I'll stick with what it is like for me almost six years out.
I moved, brought a house, went back to work. I made new friends and am pretty busy. I'm not lonely and haven't cried over my husband in a long time. I'm a Christian and that has helped me a lot. I still see his daughter who has also lost her husband. I have two beautiful grandkids through her, but I never wanted biological children.
Life is good. I go out, joined a church, and retired from my job at the young age of 58. I retired because I wanted to experience life and I couldn't find a job good enough to replace my old one.
Like I said, life is good. But in the early days of this journey--not so good. Back then was the firsts. Everyplace I went I missed him. It was hard shopping at the grocery store without expecting to see him there. I looked for him in our restaurant. I waited for his phone call. I thought I could smell his scent. When I heard footsteps coming towards our apartment I thought it was him. He was coming home same as usual.
The nights were worse, searching for him, expecting to see him, and not ever finding him.
I almost fell and realized that he wasn't there to pick me up. I suffered a mini-stroke and he wasn't there to talk to the doctors. And at some point I felt he didn't love me because he was no longer alive. My belief in Heaven carried me through, but at times I embraced the darkness of death.
I started by telling you how people told me it would get better and that it wasn't possible as better meant having him back. But this journey brought a clarity in that regard. There will come a point when you won't look for your husband in a crowded room, will not expect him to call, or pull you into his arms. You will get used to him not being on earth with you. If you are a Christian you will take comfort in knowing that he truly is in a better place and it is we who are the unfortunate. But if you're not you'll still define your life in the new term of normalcy.
There is happiness when you reach this point because it has been re-defined. It's your new normal and although the tears may still come every now and then, they will come less frequently as you build your new life. Until then, don't try and force it. Recognize and trust your right to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you that it is time to let go. Or compare your journey to theirs. It is different for each of us here in this group.
As far as something worse, for me it was the thought of never knowing or having the love of such a wonderful husband. I have many friends who have not been as fortunate.
Warm hugs,
Linda