We are told so much about in the first year, don't do this or that, wait until after the first year to make big decisions etc. The first anniversary passes and we expect some marked improvement or magical moment of clarity and grief relief and it doesn't happen. What happens is that we are now 366 days in out grief, 367, 368, one year and a month and so on. We start missing our lives and our spouse that filled our days and the real loneliness sets in. Then our grief is for those days that were full as those we have now seem empty. I am six years now and look back at some of the time I wasted allowing myself to wallow. We need to experience life for ourselves, our spouses would have wanted it to be so. We should not die because they did even though they took part of who we are with them. We need to rebuild ourselves a day at a time and find what fulfills us in their memory for the life God gave us.

Hgsdms
I too have heard the 2 nd yr is worse. Only at 11 months and the last couple of weeks for me are sure pointing that direction for me already. Been on a crying fest for several days. Feeling a lot like I did in the beginning. I'm think the 2nd yr must be when we have no choice but to accept what has happened and we are no longer numb to the pain and reality of it. Friends have moved on with their lives and we feel stuck in the muck. My grief group facilitator says as the 2 nd yr progresses things do get better and with hard work you start to see peeks of sunshine. Hang in their and keep hoping for better days. Brief is not for the weak that's for sure. Big hug to you Darlene. You have friends here who care and understand. Robyn

Darlene,

The third year is less painful..

The second year reality starts to set in as you settle into the dreaded new normal I think thats why it seems worse. The grief spells arent as frequent and dont last as long but I think they are just as bad as the first year. Another thing that makes the second year seem worse is you want some sort of closure (I think they call it that), but there are still days the pain seems never ending.

I lost my wife to cancer on November 9, 2009, and still have spells so I am beginning to wonder if it ever ends completely. Recently one of her friends she knew all her life died of cancer and thats what brought back the pain of losing her. Things are better now and I do have happiness back in my life but when and how, I dont know.

I am sorry about your husband and I know you miss him, I pray you find some peace.

Hugs,
Ron

I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. For me, the second year was better, the third even more so. My grief changed over time.

The second year I encountered totally different "firsts" - it wasn't holidays and birthdays and such, it was things like car repairs on my own, and doctor appointments on my own, etc. The second anniversary of Cliff's death, I was in a serious car wreck - totaled the car, and I am lucky to be alive. That was a first I could have done without!

How well you do depends on so many things, but it is as the other oldtimers have stated; it doesn't magically disappear on Day 366. There are always going to be some days that are tough and some things that will trigger tears and melancholy. That's because our spouses died - the love didn't.

What changes is how long it takes to bounce back, among other things. I know now, after 7 years, that every death date I am going to feel like crap. However, I also know that I will usually be just fine the next day. That wasn't possible after the first anniversary, but each succeeding year it has been easier and easier. I remember the good times and the loving times more than his death now. I know that's how he would have wanted it, too.

The experts, the "they" as Ron puts it, say it takes 2-5 years to recover from the loss. That's an average. That means some only need one year, but some need many years. How you will do in the long term has more to do with your efforts and attitude than anything else.

I think the first year that we concentrate on getting through all the initial milestones - in a way, we have a "goal" to work to. But it doesn't end there, and suddenly at Year 2 we start asking, "Now what should I do??" The goals of Year 1 are already past. We thought somehow we would be done with it. But it doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Some aspects of the grief will be done and dusted and behind you, but there will be other things to work through.

Don't be discouraged. I know it can feel scary and overwhelming, but you can get through this, too. My advice is to start setting small goals for yourself - positive, constructive, and wherever possible FUN goals. It's kind of like having your house hit by a disaster. The first year you're still trying to figure out what happened and you're walking around in the rubble. The second year you need to start clearing and thinking about rebuilding. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen, and it is worth doing it.

Hope this helps...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

at 29 months here. It is better. Friday hits our 50th Anniversary date, so that might set me back, but I do feel like I am doing good. I am bored with my life, and the years seem to fly by. do miss him, here and there. But not all the time, anymore. Time to get on with my life! Sandee

Darlene: Reality sets in in the second year, but I found it let painful because I bounced back quicker and I allowed myself to enjoy my life. The third year was much better, as is the fourth. The best advice I can give is listen to Martha.
Hugs,
Val

I don't often answer these questions because everyone's journey is different, as different as their relationship and beliefs are. But after reading and passing anniversaries of losing John three times.

It hurts like crazy the first year. All those moments you hope that it was just a nightmare, then a dream of them seeps through only to make you wish you had never woken up. At the end of that year, it has sunk in that your life has lost something that controlled how you see the sun and the world. You catch yourself looking for that reassurance from your spouse that this will be okay, but there is only one shadow in the sand and you cry for the loss even harder.
Towards the one year mark you grasp at the hope that that magical date will make this easier, after all you have made it a whole year now, right? and the 366th day is still just as lonely as the 364th day, and your grieving just got a shot in the arm. You hurt again even more deeply which you didn't think possible. Then aft a few good cries where you can't possibly have any more tears, you resolve to take steps forward.
The pain is still there and feeling of loss of half of you, but if you do something for you it won't be all that is in your vision. It's when you decide that your heart is going to continue beating and you don't want to waste those beats that you start finding out who you are as a person. And try to find out what you want on your own again. After all you were great enough to be loved so you do have value. Even for those that invested so much of themselves and immersed so much of them selves in their spouse. This time is when you choose to give in or get up. If you get up, you now have the strength of the love you shared and were given as a support, not a weight. So as you move into the third year you may on occasion twirl in the sun and notice that you can feel it on your own skin.It won't be everyday but the number of days will be more frequent. Even the small moments of satisfaction with your actions help build your strength and confidence.

Like I said everyone to their own time schedule. Much of this all depends on who you have that truly support you, or who you must still support and to what degree.

This third year (4/23/12) it still hurts, I still miss him, but I am trying to make those moments of sun twirling happen. Some are scary, some are great, some are somewhere in between.

Honoring his belief and love, is not wasting those heart beats John didn't get to have. He wouldn't want me to waste the person he thought so special even when I didn't see it and loved. I try hard to keep that in mind.
Gentle hugs

I'm sorry to hear that Darlene...Thursday will be 18 weeks for me...and every day seems to be worse than the one before it...have already gone through a few 'firsts'...Easter, my birthday, his birthday...tomorrow is Canada Day...when I take my son out and see all the happy families out there, that's bound to be depressing...I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel here...I have been trying to envision getting on with my life, but it just seems so pointless without him in it. I do have my son to keep me going, who I love very much, and that helps...really don't know where I'd be without him...but it's a different dynamic...I miss my soul mate. I hope it gets better for all of us.

Very sorry to hear about this. I am at 5 months, still early of course, but I have learnt to cope, one day at a time. I have tried to develop spirituality and faith that really have given me strength and inner peace. I have no idea how the second year holds for me, and I tend not to think about that far away these days. I like what Martha said: it is the attitudes and efforts that make difference in long term. Peace, Tiger

No no no it is not worse..no!! Let's say you wake up one day in horrible pain...your arms are missing....doctors are trying to sew them back on and you have no anesthesia. ... (that's my version of year one)....your arms can't be put back but you are given 2 new mechanical ones...they are not the same...you need to learn how to use them... (that's my version of year 2...worse than the first..for me NO..but I have things I must do ...learn...so I have work to do...this is really where I am today)..now let's say year 3 brings realization that my mechanical arms can do things I never could imagine..like scratch my itchy back ...flip pancakes in the kitchen while watching TV in the living room.. (this is my hope for year 3.....)

This coming September will be 3 years since I lost my dear Donna. We were married for 40 years. The first year for me was a blur. I really don't know how I made it through. The kind people here on this site was one reason. I posted often and learned a lot. I took the week of the anniversary of her passing as a vacation week. Probably not a good idea. I had starting to feel a little more at peace but the second year was like ripping off a scab from that burry fog. Last year I took off work the day of her death as a memorial to her. To celebrate our lives together. This 3rd year has been much better but I have to say I have moments. A song, a movie, a single word can still set me off. So don't be lulled into a false sense of calm. Grief can be a frequent flyer with you. Just go with it don't fight it, that seems to have worked for me. And come here as often as you need. I still do.

Jeff

I am coming up on 16 months. The first twelve months were so extremely painful. It helped to attend a support group. Now, reality has set in that this is my life, house and all my responsibility. Slowly making a new life. It is still hard adjusting to the aloneness. He was my best friend and miss him every day. I have met other widows the last year and they seem to be moving on - traveling, lots of family activities, etc., they have dropped out of support group. Just trying to take it a day at a time and heal. He was the love of my life.

I hear you rainbow.....the lonliness is the worst. People stop calling, I mean just stop. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I do get out of the house but I have to come home to empty and quiet.

I just still can't understand the why.....

Jen

Although I've been watching this topic I decided to see how others posted before joining in. It's a subject that comes up periodically and is difficult to answer, because we are all dealing with this differently while the same.

When I was going through my second year I felt, like Darlene, that it was worse. I'm not sure if that was true looking back. It seems it was different rather than worse. I feel like jewels described. The fog was gone that protected me from the realization that this was real. Deciding what now was scary as I had no clue what I would do.

This was my 8th anniversary of his death. I find that date bothers me more than others. I still think of him often, almost daily, but it's the sweet memories that surface not the pain of loss that brings me to smile. You will progress in your special way to find you can have a new beginning. I pray that day finds you soon. Sharon

Truthfully the end of the 2 year mark was my turning point. I remember this past January I made the decision to live again and reengage in the world. Yes I had to make a conscious decision! With that decision made I opened myself up to new friends and welcomed old friends back that I pushed away during my grief. Is there still the occasional wave yes. I kind of believe they will always hit sporadically. The integration of the loss in your heart is a long process. You carry them with you everywhere's. Now I dont focus so much on the grief as the rebuilding of a life which is another complicated process. Us widow/widowers dont get a break lol. As others have said timeframes are different but I guarantee you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I stumbled in the dark for a long time and was surprised to see it myself. Wishing you gentle days. God bless.