Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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morninggloryalone 07/25/2015

Hi all,
I've written very little in the last couple of months. I've been trying to survive. And writing about it seems to sometimes bring more pain. I guess I've been doing a lot of distracting myself with nonsense.
I sit here tonight, unable to sleep. My days and nights are upside down actually.
When I get the occasional invite out, I have to force myself to go. Once there, I am always glad I went. I may not last too many hours, but I know it's good for me. Tonight there were no call backs, and the hard truth of my loneliness is in my face.
It's been just over 17 weeks since my husband passed. Yet it often feels like a couple of days ago.
I've probably written this before, but it's still true- I truly never knew there would be a pain as intense and nearly debilitating as the pain as my husband suddenly passing.
It seems that some are at my "stage" of grief and are doing so much better. Certainly some friends think that I should be functioning better and more involved in everyday life. I am thankful that a few more friends from my past have been kind to me and included me in a few things.
Bottom line- my reality, when I'm not completely distracting myself, is that I am still in immense pain. And to be honest, I am not sure that this pain will ever get better. It may look better to the outside world, but it's kind of like I'm pretending,- like I can "turn the switch off" for just a few hours.
Thanks to anyone who reads this rambling. Thanks to anyone who might relate to what I'm trying to express.
God bless you all!

rebl3157 07/25/2015

At 17 weeks its still early, don't push your tears back. Let them flow, it cleanses you. I was in a dense fog at that point. The pain of a broken heart is excruciating! Its going to take a long time to heal. You hurt because you love so deeply. Keep taking the small steps, we're here for you
Rachel

sandeestttn 07/25/2015

I agree, still too early. I am at 2 1/2 years. I remember me at 17 weeks. I couldn't even breathe for a year. I gave myself a year to cry, sob, be mad, etc, all the stuff that goes with it. I can't even tell; you what went on between year 1 and 2. But here I am 30 months later. I survived. And am doing well. I thought the people on this site were super human to be able to get through it. They got me through it also (they had to be super to do that)...Hang in there kid. Sandee

wendimac 07/26/2015

I'm at 21 1/2 weeks...and I could have said the exact same thing..I spent the last 3 days crying...today, I just feel sad...and tired...I don't sleep at night anymore, either...

JesusisOurSaviour 07/26/2015

Hi Tracey,
I remember those first few months of distractions and putting on a mask of "I'm ok"...... It was real...I knew I was ok.....but I never showed the times of deep sadness and turmoil of emotions I was going through. The last year, since Ben's death, I have been to Britain, to see family, spent lots of amazing quality time with each every family member I could be with.....with God's Grace, tried to be there for people.........Tracey.....this journey for each one of us takes it's own time....those moments of realization of deep sadness and loneliness,
will creep through.....however, I believe and have Hope we come through...you will too....
Love and hope always......Sandra

Coop84 07/26/2015

You are still in the very early stages of grieving. Those first few months for me were so dark, painful and sad. I just wanted to die and be with Art. However, I am at 14 months now and can tell you that I am having more better days than bad. I still have to let the grief monster come out once in awhile so I let the pressure relief value go and cry my heart out. Let the tears flow as they are healing!! Baby steps for now. Take it one day at a time. We all get what you are going through. Thank God for all the amazing people on DS!!!!

mclizm 07/26/2015

You are still so early in your grief. Sadly I remember that things got worse before they started to slowly get better. But it DID get better. I know that may feel impossible right now. We all have our own individual timelines for grief. The first weeks we are blessed with a numbing fog. Then that starts to wear off and reality bites with a vengeance. Cry when you need to cry, don't hold it in. It's part of the grieving process. I was blessed with wonderful co-workers who would cover for me if I needed to go take a few moments alone. We never know when those moments are going to hit. Your at that stage where the support of friends can start to wain. Their life is continuing on as normal. I felt they had forgotten me but when I finally spoke up they were only to happy to help. Sometimes we have to be brave and ask for help. Friends don't always know what you need and think your silence means you're ok.

I'm rambling too. Don't know if any of this helps you but be comforted by the knowledge that others have passed this way too. None of us have liked this journey but we are making it to the other side together. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and lean on us. Hugs Liz.

jojo0207 07/26/2015

Hello all xx

I was given a card with these words on, I hope they will inspire your heart just a little.

"The most beautiful people that we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people just don't happen" - Elizabeth Kubler Ros

In time we will all see the truth in those words, although it will be a forever pain, the pain will ease, once the pain eases hope will take it's place. We will be nurtured by our new found hope. Unlike our grief which has imposed itself on us so selfishly, our hope will beg to be shared. xx

janpeter 07/26/2015

There is calendar time and there is heart time. Calendar time says 17 weeks, to your heart, it is about 17 minutes. You are where you need to be, focused on surviving, distraction is a part of this, it allows us to stay upright and function. Sadness and grief colour your world now and will for some considerable time, that is as it should be as you lost the most important person in the world to you and in doing so lost a huge part of your life. The pain is intense as are all the different feelings that keep coming up, sadness is our ever present companion as we get through each day. But we keep moving forward, baby step by baby step and this what you are doing. Reaching out to people is so hard but so important on this journey and you continue to do that. Breathe and take comfort in the fact that you are not only surviving but moving forward at your pace. Trust in yourself and give yourself time and space to do what you need to do for you. Love and best wishes for a better tomorrow.

ptorres 07/26/2015

I am 162 days into my grief and I am sorry for your pain. Some days are better but most of the time I am just going through the motions and praying for the strength to get through another day. There are people here who are much further into this awful journey and I am grateful for them for sharing and giving me hope that there may be some semblance of a normal life in time. Just don't see it right now. Take care ~Pete

jeanniestottpflueger 07/26/2015

It has been just 2 weeks for me and I believe just now I am co ink out of my shock and numbness phase... I felt as if I was just going through the required motions of planning a service ,visiting family and all the other things I have to do .... Almost as if I was thinking he will be back... I know that sounds crazy. Just this last day the pain is so intense so raw I feel as if I can't breathe, going out in public gives me anxiety... I don't want to run into people and explain or talk. He knew everyone and was such a kind man, almost every turn I would run into someone

mygoosey 07/26/2015

I don't comment very often but go to this site every day, I think you are all so brave, helpful and caring. I am at 26 and a bit months now and it really does get easier. The longing for them never goes away, tears come most every day still but that gut wrenching overwhelming grief does ease. I barely remember the first year, the second is hard too, you start to realize that this is your life. You are still in the very early stages, probably still very numb and you just need to get through each day and let your emotions flow. Would love to give you a hug! It will get better.

rosie3435 07/26/2015

At almost 5 months I still cry and hurt everyday...The longing for him creates great pain which I can't seem to shake...I know they say it gets easier but being alone all the time doesn't help the situation...Of course it is mostly my choice to stay alone, that way I don;t have to put on the fake happy face....Thank god for this site I come here daily to see how everyone else is doing and to find strength to get through another day...

Mgould 07/27/2015

I first came on this site over 6 years ago after my husband died. In the last couple of years now and then I read what is here, but only once every several months. When my husband died I could not imagine how I was going to live another 30 years or so like this. The mere thought of the unbearable future was so agonizing that I decided I would have to live in the present and not think of the future. Thirty more years like this - unbearable.

But now I am 6 years later. I am happy and I look forward to the future. I have different friends. I'm not interested in dating or getting married again - but I get out a lot and still work. I look forward to new things.

There is a light at the tunnel - but it is a long tunnel and you can't run through it.

kelleigh8 07/30/2015

I definitely can relate. I just reached the 5 month mark. I miss my husband more than words can express. It's an emptiness I never knew I could feel. I still see him and hear him. I put on his cologne sometimes to smell him and wear his t-shirts to sleep in or run errands. I carry him with me always. There is nothing I wouldn't do to have him alive and well. I wear my wedding ring and even sometimes wear an imprint of his finger around my neck. I love our dogs extra hard to make up for the love they are missing from him. I do have faith that I will get to love on him again but, until then, I weep, scream and ache. I've had moments of real joy but they pale to the happiness I had just being his wife. Thank God we each had someone to love and someone that loved us back. The love was so good that the loss is equally as painful.

deleted_user 07/30/2015

Wow! I'm sitting here all weepy because every word that each of you expressed is MY life!

I NEVER thought that one day we would part.....NEVER!

We loved each other so much that it hurt. It hurt when he went to work, it hurt when he went to the market, it hurt when he went fishing with his brother, it hurt when took the kids camping.....I wanted to be with him every waking moment.....Isn't that ridiculous!

Now, he's gone. I'm at 27 months and I still feel that he will walk in the door at any minute!

How could such a powerful force in life just be gone? It's not real, it can't be real.

Oh sure! I don't cry as often or as hard but I still cry every single day when I realize the reality of my life. I don't want to talk to other people, I don't want to go out with other people, I don't want to do much of anything other than go to work, go home and just veg.!

I want Morey to come back to me and be whole again.......not sick, not suffering, be whole and healthy and happy again!

Talk about rambling.......sorry!

To all of you, thank you for sharing your lives with all of us!

Roz

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