Lisa, I am right there with you. I am so lost in my pain! It is coming up on one year on the 16th.

I had a very close friend, who lost her husband before me, and I walked ever step with her......she has moved on and I have not spoken to her in 4 monthis.

Because I know I make people uncomfortable with my tears, I tend to isolate myself. I can't large groups of people and I fear running into those I know.

I just can't get passed or thru this grief or pain.

Yes my address book has changed. My life is quieter and a whole lot smaller. This past year has been so difficult, but I made it through. it is difficult to talk about things other then our pain and grief because we have so little interest in those things. They seem trivial compared to the grief we feel. I tend to journal when i feel that i am consumed with feelings. Hugs Patti

after 3 years, my world has become so small, I wonder if I am even in it. I might bring up my husband in passing, but don't cry and dwell on it anymore. I am always upbeat, laughing, when ever I am around anyone. I rarely leave the house, don't meet people. Live in a tiny town. But the people at grocery store, gas station and Dollar store all now me, and call Ms Sandy. I don't know how to expand my horizons??? Sandee

Lisa, I am sorry grief rewrote your address book, it definitely rewrote mine.

I think at some point you get a feel for who you can and should talk to about your loss and who you should just bypass. A widower here gave me a good response to give to people who couldn't handle what I was going through, and which I have used many times. If they ask how you are doing, say, "I'm F.I.N.E." That stands for "F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." Or you can of course make up your own version of what that stands for - some prefer Fed-up, Insomniac, Nutty, and Emotional, etc. Whatever works for you.

Most people won't understand and can't cope with our grief.

There is a point, however, that I feel we do need to assert ourselves, and that is when people act like our late spouses should never be mentioned again. Cliff was part of my life for 30 years, that is MY LIFE. I became a widow, I did not enter the Witness Protection Program. I am not required to never ever mention Cliff again, just as it would be ridiculous to never mention my parents who are also dead. Yes, people would wince at first when I did talk about him or us, but once they saw that I wasn't going to break down in a puddle of tears everytime, then they accepted that yes I still have MY history regardless of whether my husband was still here.

I worked in a goverment law office, and some of the people I worked with were very clueless and very insensitive. Because of some of the off-the-wall stuff that was said to me, I started compartmentalizing my grief. By that I mean that I would save my tears and such for when I was on my own at home. I gave myself full permission to cry my eyes out at home, and also gave myself permission to have the best day I could knowing I had my own special time to grieve set aside in the evening. I would talk to Cliff every night and say all the things I thought I needed to say (or would burst!), and that helped.

I think sometimes we just need to get it out, get it off our chests, so to speak, but there are few people in our lives equipped to be on the receiving end of it, much less help us with it. It's one of the reasons I spent a lot of time here, and had counseling, and journaling, and all the rest of it. I was the only widow in my circle of contacts - personal, family, and work - the only one. Man, no one could cope!

I think you are doing a lot of positive things to help yourself. If you don't feel that you are where you should be emotionally, then perhaps consider a face-to-face group, counseling and/or medication. I think where you are though is fairly typical for 15 months. Friends tired of hearing about it, but still feeling pretty crappy most of the time. The time of year doesn't help either - most people get the holiday and post-holiday blues, and we tend to get it even more so.

Are you doing anything to expand your social circle? Sometimes getting involved with a new group of people can make it easier to talk about other interests and also help you see past the pain. Just a thought...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Lisa,
We certainly know when we can and can not be ourselves when someone asks, "how are you doing?"

We, who have lost our partners, have been given, by no means intentionally, a super, duper power of knowing when we're being "sloughed off!"

Meaning: When we start to talk about anything that pertains to our passed partner, the person we're talking to starts to shuffle their feet, change the subject or pretend they're listening and nod their head. Such a waste of our time!!!!!

And, those folks who have lost a spouse and give the appearance that they've "moved on", leaving us behind.....well, they should move on!!!!

I'm starting to return some of the phone calls that I past on when my grief was so raw that I knew if I just opened my mouth I'd either spew venom or just blankets of tears. Some of it is rewarding but most of it was coming from people who had so much crap in their own lives, it overwhelmed me so I truly needed, for my sanity.....to write them off!

If we can't be honest and talk about our true feelings and selves then we MUST walk away; get out our phones, our journals, wherever we keep track of people and numbers and start wiping them out!

Our partners were the center of our lives.....as you said.....and because of that they're on the forefront of our thoughts. For how long, I don't know. But, if someone doesn't allow us to share them then "bye, bye!"

I love to hear from you and your feelings,
Roz

thank you all so much for your posts. Getting different prospective from people who have gone through or who are going through this is priceless.
I consider you all very important to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have tried to expand my social circle but on a very limited basis. I went out with some co workers and did manage to hold back tears. I don't have any option for a face to face group, I live in such a small town.
When the grief and tears hit me hard I try to journal and I let the tears out if Im at home. Sometimes that's not an option and the tears just flow.

Flow-on Lisa!

Roz

Hi Lisa
I started feeling like you did.
I dont think friends and family really want to hear it. They just want to hear that we are Okay.
So I found a therapist, and I can barf all sorts of trivial hurts to her, how I feel, etc. She is getting paid to listen, and is trained to know what to say to help guide us forward.
Highly recommend. Maybe your work or late husbands work/insurance offers assistance?

Hi Lisa, Your post has made me realize the protection I have from being an introvert - Juanita (and Jesus) were my only friends for many, many years. They were all I needed, and I think for me that is just one of many reasons why I so crumbled when she died. Now, I don't want to talk to anybody, I just don't, and it is not out of character for me. In many ways, I lived vicariously through Juanita - she was the social butterfly, not me. But I would always ask - wanted all the details, what was said, what was done, give my opinions. Other than work and my interaction with our congregation, I had very little contact with others so at least that part of my grief journey came easier. We are who we are - I've always been pretty much inside my head my whole life. But changing into someone your not is very difficult. I am glad that Juani did not have to go through this grief journey because in a lot of respects, I see I've been more sheltered than someone who has always been more outgoing than myself. ~ Scott