Hi Mish,

Yes. I lost Cliff when I was 50, he was 55. I married Mark/Acuriousfish at 53. Mark and I met here in this group, shortly after our losses. His late wife died unexpectedly as did Cliff, so we had a lot in common despite living thousands of miles apart. We became friends here, and eventually more than friends, and I moved to the UK and we have been married for sometime now. It was totally unexpected to find love again, and frankly, I wasn't looking. I had given up on the possibility. Sometimes love finds you instead of vice-versa.

Our situation is odd, but not an isolated one. Several couples after us met here as well. For myself, and I can only speak for myself on this, I could never have got together with someone who didn't understand what being a widow meant for me. Losing Cliff hit me on every level of my being. Any man who couldn't understand that would never have been happy with me, much less the other way round.

I always thought there was only one "soulmate" apiece. I have found my second soulmate. Cliff was the love of my former life. Mark is the love of my new life.

I know, too, that for many here the mere thought of another relationship is unthinkable, even abhorrent, and I respect that. Each of us finds our own way on this. This is what works for me and us, and I know it is what Cliff wished for me. Cliff and I had discussed the 'what ifs' question, and we had agreed that if one of us died, the other should grieve for a time but then live as full a life as possible and hopefully find love again, and someone to love our boys and help with them (my sons are both on the autism spectrum). I didn't think it was possible, but it happened. Because of me and Cliff's discussions, I feel no guilt about it, for which I am grateful. Many out there are not so fortunate and agonize over what their late partners would have thought or wanted for them.

Mark and I know that at some point one of us will go through the hell of loss again. All marriages end in death or divorce - it's unavoidable. We don't look forward to that. However, until that time, we are happy being together. Cliff and I had 30 years together. I hope I get that much with Mark, too, but I may not. Tomorrow is never guaranteed - he and I know that the hard way.

I don't fault anyone for whichever way they choose to go on this. This just happens to be our choice.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I was 56 when she died. I felt I was at an awkward age, not a young widower, expected by society to move on and rebuild my life quickly and not yet a senior citizen with the examples of my dad and all the other older men in my family that were widowed in that age bracket. For a time, much like you describe, I felt no desire to have someone in my life again. Then I got to the point that I started wondering and thought maybe. The awkwardness of my age and my situation seemed an obstacle. I tried, failed and decided that I was ok on my own. Then one day, quite by accident I made a friend on this site. We quickly became very good friends. Distance was an issue so we didn’t meet for 3-4 months. Interestingly the awkwardness I’d expected was never there. It was like we’d known each other our whole lives. People talk often about signs from there loved ones. We’ve had so many and continue too. We talk about our spouses often and can see that they must have had a hand in shaping this very different chapter of our lives. We’ve been together over two years now and it’s just so good. Not the same. Couldn’t be. But it’s just as beautiful and incredible in its own special way. Like I said, different chapter. And yes, it s possible to find that kind of love again. Maybe not for everyone but with our eyes and heart open, moving forward, it can and does happen. We’re living proof and are one of those couples Martha mentioned. Not sure but she may just be one of your friends on here. Her name is Darcie/staygolden3.
~John

Martha, your strength has always inspired me and Johnnie, your words are as beautiful as you are! Thank you...

Hey Mish... I too came here at the age of 55. The best I could do is offer you hope....so here goes...
To date or not to date hadn't even crossed my mind at six months. Frankly, I couldn't have ever imagined it. It wasn't ever on my radar nor did I want it to be on my radar. Then...I noticed that someone else from our forum seemed to be walking on my path along side of me. Someone who stood out to me more than any other, someone who was a little different for some reason that I didn't yet understand, someone that I felt a strong connection with although I didn't know why. Someone special, someone who was put on my path for a reason. Little did I know how important he would become in my life. Little did I know that by asking the simple question "Friends?" that that one word would change our lives forever. What started out as a very innocent and pure friendship, talking about just every day normal things, has turned into a beautiful love that I thank the heavens for every day. For those of you who don't know, John, tableforone is my sweet love. My second chance at love. Our next chapter.

Both of us met our first loves in our teens. We were each married for many, many years to our best friend. Both of our spouses became ill over many years and we became loving and dedicated caregivers to them never regretting one second and cherishing every little moment. Both of them died in our arms and both of our worlds shattered.

Somehow we both found our way to the DS forum. It was a place to read and talk about grief, a place to learn how to first crawl, somehow get up on your knees, and eventually learn how to walk again. It was an opportunity to meet very special people who knew this world we were now unwillingly a part of. John and I discovered that we have many things in common and we share many interests. We are both gardeners, artists, and junk pickers. Rusty junk was our first common bond and that phrase will always have a very special meaning to us. We started messaging each other on the forum which over time, led to personal emails, texts, phone calls, face time and eventually meeting in person. Johnnie traveled to see me for the first time. He let me set my own pace as I was newer on this journey than he was. I had dates and milestones that I needed to get through for my own peace of mind. He couldn't have been more patient, kind and compassionate. The 1400 miles that separates us has pushed us along this journey to get to know each other so well. Not being able to be physically together forced our mind and souls to connect far deeper than ever imagined. We have discussed everything under the sun imaginable. It has been great therapy for the both of us. We have built such a solid foundation based on friendship. That base is serving us well as we continue to build this relationship step-by-step with love, faith, hope and of course...laughter! We've been together many times since that first meeting and even though it's hard to believe...each time just gets better and better.

We speak of Capri and Ira often. We reminisce about the good times, the bad times, the fun times, and the sad times. There are no jealousies or comparisons. We are very good at keeping our two lives separate, that being our past life with them...and now, this...our new life with us. It won't ever be the same as it shouldn't...but it can and will be just as good. We have great respect for both worlds and for Capri and Ira. We also feel that they have had a hand in this union as there or too many coincidences and signs that would have us believe otherwise.I have found in Johnnie, a wonderful partner that I can grow old with.....love, cherish and laugh with until our last page. Yes, we know that one of us will have to go through the pain again of losing the other at some point in our lives. We've been down that road before and know that although it will be awful, we can handle it...however... knowing now what I know of this beautiful new love...denying it would be even worse. I ask myself, "Would I miss all of this because I'm afraid?" No way...absolutely no way!

To me, in my world, there is a big difference between living and existing. I choose living. We have a God-given chance to love again and there is no way that I will refuse that gift. We are truly twice blessed and cherish every moment that we have together. I will be leaving my home of 33 years in Pennsylvania to join John in Texas and create our new home. It was a huge decision but I know deep in my heart that it’s the right one! I found my best friend yet again. He gives me strength and he is my joy.

Blessings, love, courage and strength to all of you who walk this walk each day. You truly are stronger than you think and braver than you know. Keep your eyes open, always keep love in your heart and try greeting each morning with a smile. Pretend that sun came up just for you. Even though it's very hard at times, a positive attitude will make your life better. Love and many thanks to all of you and the many wonderful friends who came before you who were my mentors for all of the love and encouragement given to me all of these many months since I arrived here broken. I was given hope that it would get better and found the strength to hold on until it did. Thank you my friends.

Love you!

Darcie

Oh my gosh you guys and gals. These are such an inspirational hopeful stories. I think there is something to be said about finding a connection someone who's been through a loss. Thank You all for sharing. I brings me a great sense of peace. Hugs to all.

Funny that this topic keeps coming up. I just posted on Hopeful Hearts something related to this. I just find it hard to put into words, but everyone on here has somehow versed it better than I can. I think it is Spring in the air that is working on some of us to look for new growth.

I am 60 yr.old and widowed 8 years. I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life without a partner. But as you say I am set in my ways and find it hard to let someone in.
I have been spending my time working on myself. I feel like I am becoming a new person and maybe there is a soul mate out there for the new me❤️

Robin that's a great attitude to have. At this point, being just shy 2 years without my Andrew, I am okay with just me but if the universe has other plans, I'll keep my heart open. I do not do social media so, just like when I met Andrew , if it's meant to be then this person will come into my life. For now I would be content finding a few good friends to spend time with. Thank you all for the comments

I think when widowed for the fifty and the sixty year olds,, there is a great possibility of finding a new person who is the right one. Your health and energy is up for it. You may still have many years to share. I was widowed at 67 and enjoyed another seven or eight years of an active life, traveling, dancing, movies, cruises, dinner theater, etc.
I wanted to enjoy my life for as long as I could. There are many senior singles here in Florida. Music and dancing is popular and a great way to meet new people, I would dress up, go with two or three ladies and it was always a nice evening. It's true there were always more ladies than men, but there were enough. The ladies were always friendly and complimentary on each others outfits. The DJ would play a "Mixer" like in High School where the men would walk in a circle, then the ladies would walk in an opposite direction . When the music stopped there was a partner (most times). sometime s the men would slow down b/c they were waiting for someone special to come down the line. Bob and I spent many years dancing and I guess we were good at it so it seemed right to keep dancing. Line dancing was really fun. I would have wanted him to do the same. It is my wish that each person here will meet a companion if that is what they want and that you will live a happy , joyful existence.
Darcy and John, I'm rambling here but I Love your posts and will write a Personal message. Love and Hugs, Dolores

It is my birthday, and I slept in. Just before waking up I had a dream about meeting a very nice man. He just magically appeared, and I couldn't even tell you what he looked like. He was very protective of me. I'm not saying this was a "spiritual" dream, but it did encourage me. Also in the dream a lady I know said some derogatory things when she saw us together. We went to church together, and the pews were all outdoors, for some reason. In the center of the pews was a very old cemetery. I feel a touch of happiness for the first time in a while. The sun is shining, and I hope to get out of the house sometime before the day is over.

I have been trying to figure this out too. I lost my significant other 8 months ago and a long time friend lost his wife around the same time. My loss was not as tragic as his but we started "comforting" each other and it turned into more quickly. Probably too quickly. I think he was in denial in the beginning and now everything is hitting him twice as hard. It's so difficult to see someone else such intense pain and I know there are stages and hopefully this will pass? I will give it time and will always be his friend but now my heart is too invested and I want something I can't have. I guess there are no rules or crystal ball to tell when someone is ready? It's taking a toll on both of us but I can't say good bye and still crave his attention.

Happy Birthday She.!! May you have many more. I hope Mr Right comes along soon. He may be right around the corner. Hugs, Dolores

Soozee, It's not unusual to meet someone shortly after a loss. I think we are so lonely that things just happen. I've heard of people getting married three months after being widowed. Hard for me to understand but I try not to judge.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this and I hope it works out for you. Hugs, Dolores

Thank you Delores. I know he is emotionally unavailable right now and I’m lonely in our relationship. I can’t bring myself to say good bye but it’s a very weird relationship. We are also being respectful of families and haven’t gone public since emotions are so raw. That makes it harder too. I guess I hoping if I’m patient it will work out in the end?

I dated a man in the bereavement group sixteen months after. I knew it was about being lonely. but it was someone to talk to and laugh with and learn about. He was charming and we danced at the church dance a time or two. It cheered me up. It didn't last He returned north and a y.ear later he married an old acquaintance. It was a nice start, but not meant to be. He was used to being taken care of and they were a better fit. Nice to look back on though. Hugs, Dolores

The "wait a year before you make any big changes" addage covers new relationships, too. It's hard to think straight and it's hard to be fair to someone new when your loss is recent. My experience here over the years is that the guys will tend to start looking for company sooner than the ladies, and it usually ends badly. Sorry guys! I did have a friend here early on, we were widowed at the same time, and she remarried after only 4 months. It was a disaster.

I knew I was in love with Mark less than a year in, but we both waited until after I had passed the year milestone. I am glad we did, although it was terribly hard to do so. I needed my grieving time, and I would not really have been ready if I had rushed it or denied it.

Soozee, I can't say what you should do - you're in a particularly difficult situation - but my gut says you should step back. I think you are complicating things for each other. It takes time to resolve some things about your lost relationship before you are clear (in a way) to go forward in another relationship. I have also seen many people here over the years have an early relationship as almost a trial run. It can reassure you that you are still desirable and loveable - that's the upside. The downside is that because we are already hurting if it goes badly or ends or gets complicated as in your situation, then the pain goes deep and we don't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with 2 losses. I am speaking in generalities, and perhaps your friendship/relationship won't fall into this pattern, but it is a very common occurrence.

I am sorry you are having this difficulty on top of your loss.

Love and Hugs,
Martha