Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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jerseydebbie 09/11/2009

My husband passed May 22 from recurring cancer. I have discussed this fear with my counselor and hope that in time it passes toward the positive side.

I know it is because my husband is not here, and I am on my own for the first time in 31 years.

I love my home, my comfort zone. It is in a 55+, with wonderful neighbors. We watch each other's back. I have no mortgage, and can easily make the bills on my salary. I know I am fully blessed in this regard.

I sometimes have an overwhelming fear that living in my home will work against me mentally, and I will have to leave it, or not want to come home to it. It makes me cry to think of this, for that's the last thing I need to do as my home is my comfort zone and I love it. I don't want to live anywhere else, or have to give it up and move in with someone else. I don't want to be someone's dependent, or lose everything we worked so hard for all these years because I can't live alone.

I'm almost 53, and have always been confident and independent. I have made nice changes in the house that I love. Also made a list of pros and cons, and the only con I have is that my husband is not there.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it pass, and what did you do, if anything, to make some sense of it?

I have made a stance that come heck or high water, I'm not selling my home even if it kills me. It would be the worse thing I could do as I really desire to settle into peace with living solo. Thought of a roommate, but I don't want someone under my feet or to have to entertain.

Help.

deleted_user 09/11/2009

Debbie; You are barely at 3.5 months. When I was at theat stage
I thought to myself there is no way I am staying in this 4 bedroom
house by myself. I am just over 7 months now and I am like you
there is no way I will sell. My advice to you is stay put and don't
even think about taking in a roomate. These thoughts will pass.

jerseydebbie 09/11/2009

Ted, thank you so much. I find so much comfort in my home, but at times there is also pain. I thought to myself, if I wanted out of here why am I making these subtle changes and rearranging the living room? In a 55+, yes there are activities involving people so much older than myself, but I don't have to get involved. I have a car and can go visit, go shopping, go anywhere. We didn't buy the home for the senior activities. We bought the home for the quiet, the price, the security. There are so many reasons for me to stay and none to leave, other than this fear that I am going to have to in order to heal. And I don't like that feeling when it occurs and don't know how to handle it well.

deleted_user 09/11/2009

Debbie,
I think it's a good sign that you are making suble changes to your home. Readjusting to your 'new' life involves SO much change, at least you can control the furniture, huh? And it's an accomplishment! It might sound small to ppl that have not had such a loss, but I truly believe it's good for you.
Keep doing these little things for yourself, allow yourself to adjust, that's my thought...:)
Take care,
AJ

Shrn 09/11/2009

Debbie, Your fears are very normal. You don't have to leave your home. I'm also blessed enough to meet my expenses comfortablely and I too have worried about not having my independence. Try to enjoy your life today and have faith in tomarrow. I'm a little older than you, and just had surgery which frightens me even more. But we will be okay. We are smart woman who can plan and execute plans. We're also blessed with each other to support and encourage each other when we get down. Just smile and believe, the fear will disappear and reappear, but it will never own us. Hugs to you, sharon

jerseydebbie 09/11/2009

Thank you all. I'm glad to know I'm not alone with this one. Everything I have and worked for in this home. I don't belong anywhere else, that's the bottom line. I've been asked why I have this fear, and the only reason I know is because I am now on my own, like a form of isolation. The counselor said I would feel this way regardless of where I lived, or where I was. She is correct on that one.

Sharon, I've always been a smart woman and a very logical one. I hope you are right, that this is normal and it passes. I say my prayers and ask God to allow this to pass too.

cliffskat 09/11/2009

I agree with your counselor - the grief is something you carry wherever you are, wouldn't matter if you were some place else. The only thing I would add to what the others have said is that you have not even hit the one-year mark yet, and the caution is always to wait a year before making any major decisions. So I would put the issue aside for now. If you want to fret over it, do it after a year has passed, but in the meantime give yourself some time to heal. It's a question you can address later. Love and Hugs, Martha

marjoe 09/11/2009

Debbie - if I'm hearing you correctly, it's the wanting the get the hell out of Dodge. Stay. Don't do anything, except what you're doing. Your house will become your home, eventually. The panic and anxiety you feel - and yes, I felt it every morning when I went to work, will ease. No decisions have to be made except to get up every day and get through it. It's minute to minute, Debbie, and I'm still living by that. It will be ok!! Hugs, Marsha

deleted_user 09/12/2009

I agree with the others who advise you to "stay put." Is your concern that you are not yet 55 and won't legally be able to stay in your community? If this is the case, you can usually get an exemption because your late husband met the age requirement. You might need to consult with an attorney to see what the legal requirements are in your area.

Debbie, for your own sake, learn to take "just one day at a time." We can all become fearful of the future. Not everyone your age is in the financial position to be able to stay in the home you love. This is a great thing for you.

When overwhelming fear of the future comes over me -- and it's just short of a year for me -- I remind myself to just take it "one day at a time." I am okay for today. Yesterday is gone. I won't allow myself to carry forward any guilt from the past. Tomorrow will, hopefully, come for me -- but there are no guarantees. I just ask for G-d's help in dealing with what I have to do today.

Adapting this "one day at a time" attitude has helped me. It's easier this way.

Hugs and love to you.

jerseydebbie 09/12/2009

It's not the legality of the 55 age. I am exempt for I have already looked into that. I don't want to give up my home at all. It has to do with the panic that overcomes you, the fear, the anxiety, and the future. This is my home and I would not want to be anywhere else. I also don't want to take anyone in so that I am not alone. Just another headache and have them up your butt all the time. I am staying put and hope to become more comfortable as time goes on. I try to stick to the one day, and one minute at a time, but not knowing where you belong or who you are is so overwhelming.

A testament to God. After buying a better chain for the pendant my husband gave me after he was diagnosed so I wouldn't lose it, I lost it today and was devastated. Came home to see if it dropped off in the house. No. Backtracked to all the stores I went to, and don't you know, I stumbled upon it laying in a vacant parking spot where I must have parked when there previously. The pendant was laying on the asphalt, but the chain was gone. Just a bleak glimmer of hope that God is watching and answered prayer. Going to see about another chain after church tomorrow.

deleted_user 09/15/2009

For the past eight months, there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I don't worry or at least think about this. There are things I am unable to do myself, due to a chronic illness and the fact that I am getting older. I never learned to do things like bleed pipes nor did I know where they were located. I still face so many mysteries around here and wonder if somehow I will be able to stay in my home. What makes it really bad, is that I am very stubborn and hate to ask for help. It's OK, jerseydebbie, our stubborness and determination will help us to survive. But yes, it's on my mind alot!

sadheart56 09/15/2009

Most of the advice that has been given to me is not to make any major decisions for at least a year. My husband has been gone for 14 months. I just used my bedroom for the first year. I would go into the kitchen to cook but otherwise I did everything else in my room. I have a very large house also and my husband did most of the building. I started sitting in the dining room and graduated to the living room a few months ago. I am like you the longer I stay the harder it will be to leave. I am praying for God's will in any decisions that I make.
I will keep you in my prayers. Sharon I am also praying for you.

Christine

Christine

jerseydebbie 09/16/2009

Caroline, my neighbor gave me the name and number of a reputable handyman. It may be something for you to look into.

And Christine, do you have to leave your home? I don't want to leave mine. I know the issue and it is because my husband is gone and I am on my own. But with God's will, I can do this for I want to. I don't have any choices, really. My husband can't come back, and I don't want to live anywhere else.

With me, counseling, support groups, friends and prayers seem to be the answers.

deleted_user 09/17/2009

I think that you are very blessed right now where you are, you sound at peace with your dwelling place and reluctant to leave it...why should you? It's too soon to make decisions like that anyway. You are truly blessed..I had no choice but to move 6 months after I lost my husband, and I am doing well, but it would have been wonderful if I had had the opportunity to wait a bit longer to decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to live. For financial reasons, I had no choice. And despite all of that, I am grateful for my new dwelling, even though it seems temporary to me, but it is comfortable and cozy and I count my blessings. It is where I call "Home" for now. If you are able, take your time and allow yourself to get used to the new path that you are on. What a wonderful opportunity you have to spend those healing months in a place that you are comfortable and feel "at home". Not everyone has that opportunity. Hugs, Nan

deleted_user 09/17/2009

I know what you saying. I am determined to remain in the "dream home" that my wife and I built in 2003, which is out in the country surrounded by woods.

I sometimes think that I am selfish to feel this way. But I really do love my house. I suggest that you are o.k. with your desire. It all comes down to how YOU feel and if you are comfortable.

It is also wise to not make any big decisions until perhaps a year has passed, such as selling and moving. In my case the financial issues also dictate that I need to stay put. So I am.

You sound like a strong person. Don't underestimate what you can do!

jerseydebbie 09/18/2009

When I get up in the morning, I am realizing that I am all alone. It is not a very good feeling, but I do want to keep my home, but sometimes or often feel that I just can't do this. There is really no alternative, for I would be heartbroken to get rid of our possessions and my home, plus now I'm displaced. Don't know where else I would want to live, and it would be detrimental to my emotional health to live with family. I feel like I am in limbo, with no purpose. I keep telling myself it will be OK, and that I have to give this a year. I am very scared, period.

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