I had someone I worked with, who I thought was a friend and would be supportive, do something that was very upsetting. When I tried to talk to her about it, her response was, "I knew you did not want to be treated with kid gloves." Well, actually, that day I did need to be treated with kid gloves, and if she had been a true friend, she would have at least thought to double-check. This was someone who had cried on my shoulder for months that I had gone out of my way to help. I was hurt and upset.

So I stopped being her friend.

The great thing about being a grown-up is that you don't have to play with everybody on the playground anymore. You can choose who to be friends with. Sometimes people dropped me after I lost Cliff, and sometimes I dropped them.

When I rebuilt my life, there were a number of people who suddenly wanted back into it after they had dropped me in my time of need. Nope. I shared my healing and my newfound happiness with those that had been there for me.

Like you, I was pretty pissed off. One thing that helped me was to make sure that I showed the people that helped, those unexpected heroes in my life, that I did appreciate them and their kindness. Good people should know you appreciate their goodness, just as bad people should know that you don't roll that way.

I always found it amazing that people suddenly thought they had the right to tell you how to live your life after a loss - as though you suddenly became a 6-year old or something. I have been an uppity woman most of my life, and don't like being told what to do I guess, but even more so after Cliff died. Who are these people and what on earth makes them think that's okay??!?! Weird....

Hope today is a good day for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I'm sorry that we have to come across people like that. I have come to realize that UNLESS someone has been in our shoes, they are totally ignorant to the pain and sheer devastation that we feel. They do not have a clue. I too, have wanted to knock the crap out of people at times but I knew my wife wouldn't be very proud. We will be ok and will be the one's who truly know what deep undying love is. Bless you.

@Bandi - ( despite your non-support of my suggestion that that runner guy get rid of those cats ) I'm going to endorse violence on your part as being totally justified. I think a verbal rebuke would be socially more acceptable, but it's difficult to come up with one that does not involve curse words. 'Go f*ck yourself' comes to mind.

That is a sure way to reduce your 'friends' list. They are either not really good friends, or they are clueless in human relations, so not really much to lose.

Those kind of comments can really only come from one person and be ok. That person is you, nobody else can really say those things to you.

I would rephrase them for myself.

'You don't get to choose the random things that can happen, you just must deal with the tests that are put in your path'

( the second one I would never say, even to myself )

'You have to man up and deal with it'

Once again I say they are appropriate when you say them to yourself, there is just no way someone else can suggest that to you ( unless they are very close to you and have that kind of connection to you ).

Btw, I always tell people that I'm doing fine, it avoids a lot of useless deflections. People don't know what to say, and really I'm not interested in their two cent comments, lol.

Bob

I lost a so called good friend in this whole process. She would to tell me how I should feel and that hating being alone was cause for a psychiatrist intervention. She also had some ugly things to say about my husband that were uncalled for especially since he was dying and not in his right mind totally due to brain cancer. Like Lee, only if that have walked in our shoes do they understand. And I know people who would hardly miss a beat if their spouse died. We just had a deeper better love. And all you really need is one or two good friends. I have one and she is a godsend.

responses with no swearing

"Well, that's life; just deal with it" ... ..but the devil has an ace up his sleeve, you.

"You just have to grow up and move on" ... I am everyday, when are you going to catch up?

"You're going to have to put your big girl panties on and get over it" ... I have them on, and right now you're giving me a wedgie


"I knew you did not want to be treated with kid gloves."..after that remark, you better get teflon.

I am so glad that my keyboard offers me a chance to edit, also that if I can I stop from hitting send.

A couple of of my biggest irratants:
God only gives us what we can handle, or any variation, If they are going to quote the bible...read it.

13 There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.,

Which is also out of context, since it was a lesson to those to flee from temptation, that there will be temptation to idolize Satan and his followers... We can't run from this.

Then there is R.I.P. in letters and posts.
an abbreviation, for "rest in peace", made common for carvers of headstone, working with a chisel and rock. But with a letter or keyboard, is it so hard to write it out?
I see and read .."rip" which is how it feels to me, just a painful reminder.


Okay I need coffee.

Add a slap for me, OK? The worst people for me have been my husband's family and my daughter. They refuse to acknowledge that anything significant has happened to me requiring any assistance or support. I have only one friend by phone who has offered any emotional support at all. Makes the burden that much more intolerable and longer-lasting. So sad that we as a people are so unprepared for these life issues.

It amazes me that we have all heard the same ignorant comments and that they are so widespread. And it seems a lot of those people giving out unsolicited advice, are the same ones who disappear when you really need the support. It was an overwhelming volume of people during those first few weeks of fog and confusion. Next comes the emptiness except for a few close friends who will always be there.
I guess these ignorant people are just lucky that we can all restrain ourselves. I also answer that I'm doing okay, even if I'm not just to avoid the advice.

I hear "she's in a better place" way more than I need to. Once was too many. I return that trite crap with a question..."are you saying she would rather be dead than here with me", us?

"Deal with it" or "big girl panties"??? I think I would have decked somebody. As if I wasn't abrupt and direct enough before, I've gotten more so. Some folks think I should start a new career, or travel to town and work at Walmart. I tell them if I have trouble with my vehicle, I'll call them.

I've found that most folks cannot relate to my plight, as they've never had that close of a relationship. They may have had a partner or spouse, but they weren't a soul mate or best friend. "Oh, you just need time to readjust to being alone" they say. Quite frankly, if a hundred years, I wouldn't simply "adjust".

"I've found that most folks cannot relate to my plight, as they've never had that close of a relationship." Girldawg, I sometimes think the same thing - and I am grateful that I am not like them..... as painful as it is to lose it.....

And Jewells, you had me laughing! Especially the "when are you going to catch up?" comment. :)

MY FRIEND, I CARE

Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive,
how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
that I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for this task,
apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
that I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer,
don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,
my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
and say, "My friend, I care."

~~ Author Unknown ~~

We all agree that there re standard questions and remarks people are going to make no matter what. I know that I am guilty of cussing people out that may not deserve it, but I bet they understand me when I get through. There are some people that you gust have to break things down for them. It may well be all they will understand and will be less likely of offending in the future.

There was one time I met up with a group of people I no longer have use for and was told I needed to put on my big girl panties. I told them I couldn't because my balls were in the way. I have not heard that remark since.

I also may add that telling people to F$%& off works well in a pinch. I no longer have time to be sweet. My time is precious and I do not want to waste it on those that do not understand. I may add that I appreciate people that tell me they have no clue what I go through. I cut them some slack because they are being honest.

Go ahead and slap someone, Bandi. I promise you that you will feel refreshed.

Maggie

Jewells, Maggie and Bob - I am bowing to you all. Bandi - take note of this, these answers are right on. I've done this, too - to a friend who's "you should..." barely made it out of his mouth before I said "you should...shut up". And we're still friends, btw. The flip side of this crap is that you can say anything you want to. They may chalk it up to widda craziness, but who cares? Let 'er rip.

Applause to you all for your strength to stay out of jail!!