This is in response to Angelique's (flwrgrl) recent post "He promised!" but I felt the need to post it as a separate topic. I haven't posted here for quite some time ... I feel so lost and confused and lonely ... my mind races so fast and flits from one thought/emotion to another so I haven't had the strength or ability to participate except for a comment here and there. I do, however, visit DS several times a day and read, read, read ... as with most people here, the wonderful people here have been a lifeline and one of God's many blessings to me.

I too am holding on to my faith and believing in God's promises. Until recently, I was so numb and paralyzed that I couldn't even pray ... that really disturbed me. For the past several weeks I kept feeling a strong push to go to church ... last Sunday I found myself in the car and driving to church ... I really don't remember getting dressed or in the car ... I just ended up at church ... I am sure through God's gentle push.

It is a new church that I have been wanting to go to for quite some time ... I had a number of people who would have been glad to go with me but I felt the need to go by myself. How am I going to find out who I am, my identity, my way in life if I am always depending on other people? Don't get me wrong ... I have a very strong support group of friends (and a few family members who are more helpful than hurtful) and I consider that a great blessing. But some parts of this road I must travel alone in order to find my way ... my future without my dearest Bob.

I am part of a spousal grief support group through hospice ... an 8 week program that ends next week ... and I'm in private bereavement counseling through hospice as well. I believe God led me to hospice just as suredly as he led me to DS and to church.

The church service last weekend got through to me ... heart and soul. During the beginning worship, tears streamed down my face as I sang ... not bad tears ... healing tears ... tears of overwhelming gratitude to feel such a strong presence of God's love ... for me! As the service ended, those in the congregation who felt the need were invited to meet with an elder for conversation and prayer. I wanted to ... I needed to ... but my inner voice kept saying I'm scared, I won't know what to say, I'm not ready to extend myself in this way, I'll do it next week. All of a sudden I found myself in the front of the church seeking out an elder. As I approached, I started to speak and, through uncontrollable tears, I said "I don't know if I can talk to you without crying" and he responded "That's alright, we don't mind tears here." I then said "I'm lost ... I need help ... I need prayer." It was a very exhausting experience, as I was filled with the Holy Spirit as this kind man ministered to me and prayed over me. I will definitely be back to church this coming Sunday.

I am approaching 6 months since Bob died ... the man I grew up with ... the man I spent my entire adult life with ... I have no clue who I am without him ... our relationship didn't consist of half Bob and half Lou ... we were one collective spiritual unit! He was my best friend ... my lover ... the one I could share all my secrets, my fears, my dreams with ... the one who loved me more than anyone else in the whole world and whom I loved with the same intensity ... it was truly God's unconditional love that we shared between us. I'm still having a very difficult time but I proceed now with the unwavering peace and confidence of knowing that God is walking this path I'm on with me and, although I will most assuredly stumble and fall many times along the way, in time I will eventually emerge as a whole person with God's guidance, love and grace.

Love, Hugs and God's Blessings to all of you wonderful people here in this group.