Scott,
Hubby had over 200 at his funeral. Only 1 actually followed up after the funeral was over and still continues to check on me occasionally.
That drives me crazy. I agree, if people don't really want to help or won't call me, then don't bother. But it is through situations like this you learn who your true friends and family are. And who is there for you. Anyone else, I don't make the time for if they don't make time for me including blood relatives.
Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.

Scott,
Just like BFisgone said, there were over 200 people at my husband's funeral. More than 100 people told me they'd call "soon", they'd be "there" for me, They'd "check" on me. I can count on one hand how many have called. My husband's very best friend (more like a brother) calls almost every day. The others have all but disappeared, including his family members. It is what it is.
Like Diana, my husband was there for everyone. He was the one to give the shirt off his back. The one who lit up the party. The one they visited on a Friday night. The one to lend you a few dollars till payday.
Now, it's like he never lived here.
Two nights ago, during our snowstorm, my tongue started bleeding and wouldn't stop. For almost an hour, it bled. At one point I started crying, not because I was scared, or it hurt, but because I was alone with no husband to show it to and say, "Look, Baby, at all the blood. Why is it bleeding? Let's go to the ER. I'll get a towel, you drive" I felt how truly alone I really am. I really felt, like the very first days, the breadth and depth of my loss.

Scott and everyone responding to this post - I am sorry most of us are getting this treatment from friends and relatives. I am so glad we can discuss it with each other. It makes me sad to know it is happening to others but it's also helpful to know it is more common than people would like to think. I've been disappointed how some people have abandoned me but more disappointed how some treated my husband. While my husband was dying, he asked a friend of his to do some very minor things for him. Nothing that would have cost the man any money and would have required very little time but he never did them. Even after my husband's death I asked the man about doing what my husband asked and he said "I'll have to get it on the schedule.". I've never heard from him again and that's been six months. I am shocked. These are people we were always there for. We considered them very good friends and did many nice things for them and their children. I find it hard to make excuses for people who do things like this. I never care to see this person again.

I must say I've been surprised by the kindness and support of many others though. I guess the best way to put it is that we are finding out who our real friends are and we're making new friends. I'm grateful for each of you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and allowing me to share mine.

Sherry

that is the main reason i started this discussion.i had a feeling many of us where having the same thing happening to them.i just wanted to talk about something other than our three friends in this group it was fun and it made me stop thinking about my problems for a little while .but they will get theirs in the end. thank you for joining in and venting i think we need to do that from time to time.scott

Hi Scott, I am stubbornly independent, when i lost Dennis suddenly my first instinct was to protect my children(24 and 26). Figured if i coped they would cope. I think it worried them more by being this way ....I often question myself is it because of the person i am that i haven't received help from others.....my neighbour sent meals while Dennis was in hospital, bought my washing in (ironed) and popped in to check on me. One of Dennis's work mates rings me every few months. .. Apart from my girls always looking out for me that is all the help i have received....People ask how are you and few really want to know....I get sick of saying fine....All i want to say is life sucks..few want to hear that....I hope that when the time comes i am a better friend to those who are suffering the way we do....hope you find someone close to home who can be a real friend who knows when you need help or company without having to ask....thinking of you...Wendy

Yeah, I think it's a common nicety to say it but they don't really mean it. It is a lesson to us though not to wait but to call when someone else is going through a hard time. Hug, Donna

I have had the same thought about starting a post on those famous words. I found that people only mean it if it does not involve them actually having to do anything , if there is any real effort or inconvience involved then the words are holllow and meaningless. Found this out these past few weeks, in connection with a family member. He told me he'd help in any way, then left me with this and that and a bill to boot. I realize that until someone feels the pain and loss we do, offering is easy, it is the follow through that is hard. I agree with the idea of an Oprah show, I have thought about writing a book about what to say and what not to say.!

It's relatively easy to get friends and relatives to come by and help even when there is a lot of work involved, so long as it's a happy time. I think for most, this scares the bejeebers (

Not sure what happend to my post, so maybe this time it will come out right.
It's relatively easy to get friends and relatives to come by and help even when there is a lot of work involved, so long as it's a happy time. I think for most, this scares the bejeebers (never got to use that word before) out of them and tend to promise and run rather than face that this may happen in their world as well.

I am like Scott if someone would just come by to just talk to you, let you vent or cry a little, or whatever SHOW they cared somehow.

I went to local restuarant there were Rogers coffee buddies, the deacon of the church said just hi - kinda ignored me at least 4 of the 6 did strike up conversation with me -

I stayed w/a friend when I was ~32 yrs old. She was dying of cancer, her husband two small girls for a month (I had a 10 yr old/7 yrs old at home & married). She and I would talk about her dying openly. Susan always said she was so happy I would not avoid it & would just out and out talk about all of it. I would go outside & cry good alone but also with her. That experience I never forgot. He moved away right away, I never knew whatever happened to them.

Tomorrow I am going to hospital to see friend with stage 4 lung cancer, I offered to let him stay w/me, take care of him, neighbors think how could I so soon after Roger dying but I tell them Rogers dying has nothing to do w/Larry, & I can take him to chemo etc (being a bc survivor I know what its like) Larry was close friend & fellow horsemen Gave riding lessons to my young granddaughter.
The others do not get it....

In the first week or so my friends called and checked, but now no one calls and it has only been 4 1/2 months. Many say call me if you need anything or just need to talk. What about calling me to see if I need something or just need to talk. I feel like I am imposing on their time and don't call. I just sit home with my animals, Phyl