Anytime this subject was brought up, Ira always told everyone that if I died first that he'd be right behind me. That he couldn't and wouldn't survive with out me. This was when he was healthy too! This used to bother me at times as I couldn't understand that thought process. I mean...we have a daughter and a life...wouldn't he want to continue with that? He would flat out say no. They'll be fine So secretly in my heart I always hoped that he would go before me. Then the illness hit and I prayed that I out lived him as no one would put the love and time in taking care of him that I did. No one understood the commitment and the deep love that I had for him. At his funeral a friend of his told me that a year before when we were at a jazz concert, Ira told him that if it wasn't for me that he would walk right into that river over there and never come out. At first I was touched but then a little disturbed. I wanted him to love himself enough to want to go on living but in reality that man lived for me...from the first day we met...it was all me. I used to tease him and say that if he wasn't so sweet I'd think he was a little obsessed with me. He would laugh and say well...I am. I'm not saying we didn't have our own lives but they were so intertwined that the thought of one of us leaving was insurmountable. But it happened. He left first. He waited for me at the hospital after going through 2 cardiac arrests to see him one last time and to tell him what I needed to say. I loved him that much that I would never want him to go through the pain that I have gone through in loosing him. I'd rather it be me to suffer without him that he without me. He was a really tough guy but his heart was so tender. I'm willing to go through all of this just so he wouldn't have to.
Well! Wasn't that just an upper on this sunny Friday morning??? Lol! It is what it is and on I chug.
Hope everyone finds today full of comfort and love!
Darcie

I completely understand Darcie

I often wonder how my husband would have handled things if I were the first to go. He would have been fine financially and been able to handle our home and cars ect. I do think he would have had a lot of grief but I know my family would have helped him as much as they could have. I too wonder if he knows how much I love him and if he loves me. For my own sanity I try to tell myself yes to both of those. I lost him suddenly and with no warning.

Try to hold on to all the love you shared and know he is with you always. Hugs

Lisa

Morey would have given away all my stuff. Sold or donated the rest of our possessions; sold our home; bought a motorhome and taken off to live the life of a nomad all across the country.

He wanted me to get rid of everything, quit my job and do this years ago. This would have been his chance.

I truly believe it's what he's doing right now, without the worry of having to get rid of everything. He left that for me or the children to worry about!

I may have his ashes but his soul has been reborn and he's doing what his heart really wanted.

Go Morey Go!!!!

Roz

I remember thinking about this early on in my grief and again occasionally as my life takes turns. When I met my new love, I wondered if he understood or would he have done the same. My personal answers change throughout time. What I know now is he's happy I'm living life as best I can and his love inspired me to do that. I know he still loves me and even watches over us. I can hear him saying so quite often. Sharon

Michele,
I knew the answer to that question before Ben even got sick.
For some reason, as Ben and I got older, he would often say, he hoped God would take him first. He said life would be impossible for him, without me.
I am thankful, Ben is No longer suffering and he will never have to go through any kind of grief and suffering ever again.
For sure, your beloved still loves you,
"They that Love Beyond The World Cannot be Separated by it
Death Cannot Kill what Never Dies"
William Penn.
I love that quote.
Hugs from Sandra

I always believed that if my husband were left here, although he would mourn, he would be stronger and better able to move forward.
He was always emotionally more resilient than I.
BUT we can only guess and draw conclusions based on whatever our own thoughts & opinions are about our spouses.
There is no way to really know how another person will truly be effected by grief!
I have enough problems trying to deal with the reality I've been dealt, really can not spend my inner resources on the Great Unknowns.
I just have to let go of that question.
He is gone and I am left here.

I've thought about this so often Michele and I've decided he is better off where he is now. I wouldn't want him to go through what I am. I imagine if it was the other way around he wouldn't have the resilience that I have. I think he would go to work, come home, eat baked beans everyday and never wash his bedding. I often wished in the early months that I could have been taken instead of him but the pain I am feeling is no pain I would want him to go through. I'm glad it's not him going through this .

I debated about how to answer this one as in my heart I knew the answer but getting it in writing was the difficult part. Financially I was not contributing much to the household so in that aspect being that he was the one providing the income, he would have done o.k. , He used to do all the banking until we decided that I would stay home and only work a few hours a week and I took over (A good decision or I would have been lost) , he knew how to clean and cook so again he would have been good there. But he was a man who, took family to heart and could not handle certain things, he did not handle well the lost of his father a few years prior to his own death. He would tell me that he relied on me to be strong as he did not have it in him. When our son opted to go away to school, I found him in tears . Telling him that our son would be o.k., he quickly replied that in two years time our daughter would be leaving...This were the aspect of him that tells me the pain he would have endured. Having said all that, he would have step up to the plate and done right by his children and put his grieve aside just as I did in the beginning. In marriage we became one and when he had to go, half of me went with him...The same would have happened had I gone first. After being given time, he would have gone on forward just I am doing because there is no other option.